Rainbow Baby Update

16 Weeks

 

 

      Since we made our big announcement last week, we have been absolutely flooded with well wishes and congratulations. There are no adequate words to say thank you enough for all of your love, prayers, thoughts, support, and kindness. We feel so incredibly loved and blessed! We are thankful for the assurance that our baby is being covered in prayer by so many.

     It is with joyful hearts that we would like to update everyone on our sweet rainbow baby. We had another hopeful ultrasound last week, and we were amazed at the progress and growth that we were able to see! Our baby is looking more and more like a real baby each time we get to peek into it's cozy little home. As of last week, our baby weighed 6 oz. During this ultrasound, we were currently at 15 weeks and 6 days. The doctor gave us a wonderful report, saying that our baby has a strong heartbeat, and that everything looks just the way she would expect from a normal, healthy baby. Our little one was so active that morning, kicking and squirming all over in there. We know that we are going to have our hands full when we finally get to meet this little one in just 5 short months!

     We feel so blessed to have the opportunity to see our little one every other week. I am always so anxious and nervous before each appointment, expecting to hear the worst. Yet I stand humbled each time we see our little one, happy and content, with a strong heartbeat, and developing normally. I will never ever take that for granted again. Going through the journey we walked with our precious Caroline has taught me so much. I have lost all innocence when it comes to everything in regards to pregnancy. Yet amidst all of the anxiety, fear, nerves, and pain that has come along with this pregnancy, it has allowed me to learn once again about fully placing my trust in the Lord. Now don't get me wrong, it is not always easy. Some days it is the hardest thing for me to do. But the truth that I keep coming back to, is that there is no other way. I can look back over all that we went through with Caroline, and I can see how God was faithful. He never once allowed us to walk on our own. Even though I wished so badly that her life was in my hands, and that I had the choice of saving her, and giving her life, I know that right from the start, she belonged to the Lord. She was safely being held in His hands. Truly there is no better place to be. So we trusted in God with her life, and now we continue to do the same with this baby's life. Even though we now know all too well the painful reality of what can and does happen, we trust that God is also holding this little one in His mighty hands. We know that He is even now forming this little one in His image, and that He has a beautiful plan for this baby's life, just as He did for Caroline's life. It is not easy, but we are trusting in God's plan, and allowing Him to guide us as we go down this beautiful journey of pregnancy once again.

     Tomorrow our baby will be 17 weeks old! I am so thankful for the time that God has already given us with this sweet little one, and for allowing us the opportunity to be parents once again. I am so humbled.

     I wanted to share a very happy God given gift with all of you. Typically a pregnant mom will not start to feel those first kicks and flutters until around 16 weeks or after, with Caroline I started feeling her amazing little movements around 18 weeks. But with this little one, I think that God just knew I needed a little extra grace and reassurance. When Josh and I were down in Florida, heading into week 12, I started very clearly feeling those little tiny flutters and kicks. They were few and far in between, but they were there. I have been so thankful for the blessing of tiny baby movements! There is no greater peace of mind to a worried and anxious mommy's heart, than to feel your little one kicking away inside. I know that this is truly a God thing, because it was so early to start feeling movement. But I am just so grateful! Both Josh and I look forward to being able to feel those first movements on the outside, hopefully in the coming weeks!

    Thank you again for all of the many prayers, kind words, and support! We are just so blessed by each and every one of you. Please continue to pray for our little baby, that he or she is growing strong and healthy each and everyday. We also continue to ask for prayers for peace, and that we would be able to fully place our trust in the Lord. Our next ultrasound is on May 11, and we will be at 20 weeks. This is close to the time that we received our diagnosis for Caroline the first time. Although we have more reassurance this time, it is still going to be very scary. I know that there will be a lot of anxiety and nerves leading up to that moment. So we would greatly appreciate prayers for a good outcome, and that God would flood our hearts with His peace and His presence. Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts!

 

     "For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Romans 8:24-25

 

Baby's little face peeking out to say hello!
Its a little hard to see, but if you look closely you can see
the eyes, nose, forehead, and chin!



Dear Caroline, How Much You Are Loved.

 

 

 

     Dear Caroline,

    Happy 10 months in Heaven to my sweet little girl. As I think about the beauty and the joy that you must be experiencing in Heaven today, I just smile. I am sure you now know exactly how much we are missing here on this earth. I wish that I could picture your perfect little face, and your completely whole body, but I do not know what you look like in heaven. So I just imagine you running and playing with all of your little friends up there, singing praises and dancing in the sunlight. I just picture that day, when I will one day join you in that most beautiful place. Where there will be no more tears, and there will be no more pain or sadness or fear. I can not wait until I can scoop you up into my arms, and hold you so close. My sweet girl, there is no guarantee that your mommy will ever put you down again! But oh how my arms ache for that wonderful day, and just know that I will join you one day, when God decides it is my turn to enter into that glorious place, where we can be together forever.
     This morning I awoke at 5:15, and as I slowly watched that clock move toward the next minute, I pictured that day. The day that you were born. Your mommy and daddy knew that once it was happening, it was the right time. We could not wait to see you, to hold you, and to love on you. Even though the night was very long, and we never got a wink of sleep, it seemed like only a moment. It seemed like time stood still. Everything just felt so right when they placed your tiny, warm body into my arms. Suddenly everything around me faded, and the only thing I could see was you. I knew in that moment Caroline, that we had made the right choice, that we had given you everything that we had, and that you were the most loved little girl ever. I felt my heart grow a million sizes bigger in that moment, even though I never thought I could love you more. You were my heart, and now you were laying so peacefully in my arms. The day of your birth was absolutely beautiful, it was filled with joy, happiness, peace, and above all love. I just could not believe that you were mine, that each of those perfect little features belonged to my daughter. I never wanted to let you go. Your mommy feels so blessed Caroline, to know that you are mine. I am so proud to be your mom, and to know that I was given the gift of carrying such a special little girl.

 

 

     Those moments on the day of your birth will forever be etched into my mind, they will forever live in my heart. There is never a day that goes by when I do not wish that I could go back to that day, on June 17, and hold your 3 pound, 5 ounce body once again. I ache to feel your tiny little body in my arms, and to comb out your dark silky hair once again. I wish I could wrap my finger in yours, and kiss your soft little cheek. In so many ways, the time we had will never ever be enough. I only ever wish we had just one minute more. But I am so grateful for the time that we did have. It was such a gift. Your life was such a beautiful gift to your mommy and your daddy. Your life helped us to remember the ultimate truth, that we belong, body and soul, in life and in death, to our faithful Savior Jesus Christ. Caroline, from the moment you were first conceived, you belonged to Jesus. He knew about you, he loved you, and he created you, long before we even knew that you existed. He had a perfect plan for your life, and He knew just how many breaths you would take. As much as I know that you were ours, I was also reminded daily that you belonged to God. He loves you so much more than your mommy and daddy ever could. As much as I wish that God had plans for you here on this earth, and that I would have been given the opportunity to watch you grow up, I know that you belong to Him. I know that God had big plans for your life, and that it took you only 35 weeks to accomplish those plans, and to make your impact on the world. My prayer sweet girl, is that your story, the love that we hold for you, and the truth of God's faithfulness will be evident in my life forever. That your life will continue to impact the lives of others, even though you are no longer here with us. 

 

 

 

     Today is hard in so many ways. I feel like ten months without you is a very long time. It scares me to think that it is nearing one whole year already. I am so afraid for that day, which is looming closer and closer. A day that should be filled with joy and celebration. A day that should be a reminder of all the amazing milestones you have accomplished, and how much you have grown. A day that should be a celebration of your life. Yet I am scared to think of the pain and the hurt that will fill my heart that day, when I realize there is no celebration. When I wake up to find that you Caroline, my little girl, who should be a bright eyed and bouncy one year old, is not here with us. It scares me completely. I question even now, how will I ever make it through that day. As I think about ten months, and what it should mean for us, my heart just aches. It is so hard to see past all that we have missed. It is so hard to not wish that I could  go back to that Tuesday, the day of your birth, so that my memories of you could be refreshed. But as I face the reality today, just like I do each day, I know that it is not possible. I know that I must continue to put on a brave face, and pray that God provides me with a strong heart to keep moving forward. I know that today is just a day, a special day that reminds me even more of you my little princess. A day to remember your beauty, to thank God for your life, and to cherish your memory deep inside my heart. You will always be my heart little girl, and I will forever be thankful for all of the many ways that you have changed my life completely. I will never be the same because of you. It never ceases to amaze me at how such a tiny baby could make such an impact on my life. But you did Caroline Joy! You brought me closer to our Savior, and you helped me to realize the importance of never taking a moment for granted. Because of you, I celebrate each tiny blessing, and I find joy in even the smallest moments. I found the importance of taking time out each day to spend with the Lord, so much so that it has now become my highest priority. I have also learned the value in friendships, and I thank God for all of the beautiful people that He has placed in my life to encourage me, love me, and support me, even when I am really struggling. But most of all Caroline, you have taught me about the value of life, your life, and the life your little bother or sister. You have taught me that we must cherish each moment, and never take for granted that we have the ability and the choice to touch other peoples lives through our words and our actions. As I reflect today on all of the many things I have learned over the past ten months, I can not help but stand in awe at how far we have come. Caroline it has never been easy, and it probably never will, but I am thankful for the person that I have become, because of your life. 

     Today I cry tears of a broken heart once again, and I miss you more and more with each passing day. How I wish that I was holding you in my arms this morning, playing and snuggling with you. Celebrating the ten months we have shared together. Yet today through the tears, your mommy is going to celebrate you. Through the pain of my broken heart, I am going to celebrate the love that I have for you. I am going to honor all of our special memories, and take time to embrace all the joys of the day. I am going to tell your little brother or sister all about you, and make sure that both of you know just how much you are loved. I love you my precious Caroline, with all of my heart.

                                      Until we meet again....

 

                                             Mommy

 



 

Our Rainbow

     Josh and I are extremely excited to share some big news with everyone! Our sweet Caroline is going to be a big sister!!! We are expecting our second child, our rainbow baby. It is with very cautious hearts that we share this news with all of you, as we know the very real reality of what can and does happen. Yet we have entrusted the life of our little baby into the powerful hands of our God right from the very beginning. We know that He is holding our baby each moment, and that even now, our baby is being fearfully and wonderfully made!

     The anticipated arrival date of our baby is September 30, 2015. We have anxiously, yet excitedly, had three ultrasounds already, to get a glimpse into our baby's cozy world. We are so excited to say that as of right now, everything is looking very good! Our baby is growing healthy and strong!

     It has been really tough keeping this news a secret. But we truly feel like now is the right time to share our joyful news with everyone. We would like to ask for many prayers as we walk this new journey. We feel so incredibly blessed that God has given us another opportunity to be parents. Please pray that God fills our hearts with peace as we anxiously await the arrival of our rainbow baby. We also ask for special prayers on behalf of our precious baby, that he or she is growing healthy and strong each and every day. In addition, we have doctor appointments and ultrasounds scheduled for every two weeks. It has been a huge blessing, and it has given me so much peace of mind each time that we go for our visits. Yet it is also an anxious and scary time as well. Anytime you await test results it can be so scary, so we would like to ask for special prayers for peace and a calm heart during each of our appointments. 

     Thank you to each and every one of you who has loved us, supported us, encouraged us, and prayed for us throughout the past year. We are so incredibly thankful! It is with great excitement that we hope to continue updating you on the growth and development of our precious rainbow baby in the months to come!

     In order to more clearly describe the term "rainbow baby" I have included the picture below. I think that it does an excellent job of describing exactly what we are thinking and feeling in regards to this new, scary, and yet beyond exciting pregnancy.

 

12 Weeks
Second Trimester here we come!
We are so excited!

Exploring Florida with our baby!



6 Weeks

7 Weeks

9 Weeks

10 Weeks

Our first glimpse at our darling little baby!
It is so amazing at how God has perfectly formed
this tiny baby already! Just look at those tiny little arms!
9 weeks 6 days

Look at how much I have grown in just one week!
11 weeks 1 day



Fearfully and Wonderfully Made!
11 weeks 1 day

Little Arm

Baby was kicking and moving so much
during this ultrasound! It was incredible!
We were able to capture one photo of
a very busy leg/foot.






Two perfect little legs at our 14 week ultrasound!



12 weeks

14 weeks

 

 

We are so humbled and grateful that God has given us this precious gift! Our hope for the future is completely in God's hands. We are clinging to the promise from Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " Thank you Lord for your great and precious promises!

 

Our Only Hope

                                              Happy Easter!

    
     Today we celebrate our risen Savior! Hallelujah! This year Easter held more meaning to me than ever before. I am missing Caroline more than ever. It is so hard when I think about how she was with us at this time last year. I remember my growing belly, and feeling such joy as she was moving around inside. Although we knew that she had an awful diagnosis, and that there was a very real reality that her time here on earth was going to be short, everything appeared to be fine, it just felt so right. Today I wish so badly that she was here to dress up in a beautiful spring Easter dress. I wish that we were taking pictures of her sweet little face, and watching her enjoy each moment of the day. Yet today, I found that I was filled with only praise to God! I praise Him because of the sacrifice of His Son. A sacrifice that offers us hope, promise, love, and a beautiful future!
     The ultimate sacrifice. God sent His only Son, the Son that he loved. He sent him to this earth, knowing that it was going to be a long and painful journey to the cross. Yet He willingly sent Him, for us. He gave His Son, His only Son, for me. He gave His Son for you. He gave His Son for Caroline. It was the greatest sacrifice. What a gift.
  I think of the pain that must have entered the heart of our Father, as He watched His Son being led to the cross. I think of the anguish He must have felt, as His Son was painfully nailed to that tree. I think of the sorrow He must have felt, as He knew His Son was taking His final breath. But that was not the end. Even though it seemed hopeless, devastating, and final, it was not the end. Today we celebrate the beginning, the beginning of the hope that we have because our Lord defeated death itself! He conquered the grave, and He rose from the dead. What a victory! What a glorious day! 
     Because of His sacrifice, by willingly laying down His life for us, and because He was able to defeat death by rising again, we know for sure that we can cling to the assurance of eternal life with Him forever! There is the beautiful hope that one day, we will enter the gates of heaven for eternity.
     When we said goodbye to Caroline in June, it seemed so final. As we kissed her face for the last time, and tried to etch every memory of her in our hearts and minds, it truly felt like the end. But today as we brought flowers to her grave, it hit me that it is not the end. It is not the last time we will see her. We may never hold her earthly body in our arms again. We may never watch her grow up here in our home, but we will see her again. I will hold my daughter in my arms once again! One day, I will be able to dance with her in heaven. One day I will be able to hug her tightly, and never let her go. I look forward to that day with all of my heart, and I cannot wait for that joyful celebration in heaven!
     My daughter is alive, truly alive through Christ today and forever! What a beautiful promise. What an amazing reality. I know that my sweet little girl is experiencing what it means to be fully alive in heaven, because of the sacrifice of our Lord. Today Caroline is celebrating Easter in the loving presence of Jesus.
     Today we celebrate our risen Savior, and we celebrate the promise of the hope to come! Throughout the day this verse has replayed over and over in my head, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” This is such an incredible promise for all of us who have walked down a painful journey. We all know that there is so much sin, pain, heartbreak, and fear in this world. It is impossible to avoid. Sometimes the truth is that life just stinks. But today and everyday, we can praise God for the hope and the promise that comes through the resurrection. Although we must walk through this life knowing that there is sin and pain in the world. And although sometimes it seems like more than we can ever bear, we have the promise of a day when tears, mourning, pain, and especially death will be completely gone. They will be no more. We will instead be standing face to face with our Lord, and praising and worshiping Him forever!
     Although so often it feels like death has the final word, and that there is no end to the pain and suffering we are experiencing each day on this earth, we have the promise of being alive forever through Christ. I know that I will see my precious Caroline again in heaven one day!

     Thank you Lord for your immeasurably great sacrifice. Thank you for your amazing love for me, and for Caroline. Thank you for the hope that we have only through you. Thank you for the promise of eternal life in heaven. Hallelujah! He is Risen!

 Come as you are

Crowder

 There’s hope for the hopeless
And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

   

                                       Happy Easter in heaven to our precious little girl.

Easter Lily given in loving memory
 of Caroline Joy Mulder. Forever in our hearts,
always on our mind. Until we meet again sweet girl...

9 months in Florida

Hello Everyone!

     I apologize for not posting in such a long time. Honestly, I have not had any urge to write in the past month. My heart has just not been into writing, so I decided to not force myself to do it. However, as I was washing dishes this morning, with the sun streaming into my kitchen window, humming along to some of my favorite songs on Pandora, I felt that desire fill my heart. The words just started falling into place, and I knew that it was time to take out my trusty computer once again. My hands feel foreign on the keyboard as I type this now. Yet it feels so right! I am so glad that God is filling my heart once again with the words to type.
     This past week, Josh and I went on a vacation to Florida! It was such a blessing to both of us! After going through so much during the past year, we knew that it was important to take time for us. We needed to refocus, relax, and just enjoy being together once again. So we spent 7 beautiful days soaking up the sunshine in Florida!
     On our flight down to Florida, we saw this beautiful sight outside of our plane window. It was stunning! It was amazing to be so high above the clouds, seeing the sunshine from a new perspective. I couldn't help but think of my precious Caroline as we flew so high above the ground. In the beauty of the moment, I thought about how she now views the world. Maybe this is how she looks down at us from heaven? I will never even begin to truly guess what it is like to be in heaven, but I can tell you at that moment, I felt so very close to her.

 

     It is so hard to describe all of the thoughts and feelings that I felt throughout the week. There were so many ups and downs. Overall, it was such a joy filled and happy vacation. We embraced every moment, and enjoyed seeing the sights that are so unfamiliar to us Michigan winter people. For example...just seeing green trees and grass put a huge smile on my face! Oh how nice to know that there are still places where there is life growing and blossoming! Also, being able to wear shorts and flip flops was pretty amazing too! You don't realize how much extra time it takes to get ready in the winter with all of the layers we need to put on in order to keep warm. I was actually always ready early, which never happens for me!

        
     These are a few pictures of the beautiful sunsets that we were able to watch during our time in Florida. There is truly something so special about watching the sun set over the enormous ocean. It reminded me of God's faithfulness to us. As I reflect back over the past nine months, I realize that He has never once left us alone. Standing back and thinking about all of the really tough moments we have been through, I realized just how much I have relied on His strength. Truthfully, on my own I never would have made it this far. Yet I know that He has given me exactly what I need to get through the moment, to get through the day, to get through the month. I cannot believe that it has already been nine months since we said goodbye to our precious Caroline. I miss her more with each passing day. So much we have missed, so much I wish we could have shared. But as we sat on the beach with the sun slowly sinking into the horizon, I knew that she was watching alongside of me. I know that she was with us on our whole vacation. I know that she was enjoying the special moments along with us. I know that she was smiling as we swam in the pool, and laughing as we had a wave wash over us while we were sitting on the beach (in our clothes!). During our trip, as I cried tears of missing her, and wishing I was the mom taking my sweet little girl into the pool for the first time, I knew that she was there, that she was so close to me. During our trip, as I wished that I was the mom pushing my little girl in a stroller, and watching her explore the sand on her toes, I know that God was holding me close. He was softly whispering His promises into my ear, reminding me that I am never alone. 
     I am so incredibly thankful for God's faithfulness. As the 17th comes each month, my heart misses my daughter all the more. Yet it is also a good reminder to me, that He continues to bless us, provide for us, and love us, more than we will ever know. As much as I wish I was celebrating the nine months of milestones, love, and fun that I had been able to share with Caroline, I know that I am able to rejoice in her wholeness in heaven. I know that God is holding her close, and that He is also holding me close. It makes the 17th of each month, so incredibly bittersweet. But I am so thankful for the constant reminders of God's faithfulness to us!
    We had an amazing trip, and it was such a blessing to get away for a little while. We made so many fun memories that we will cherish forever! I am so thankful that we had this opportunity.
    I also wanted to say a huge thank you to each person who remembers Caroline on the 17th of each month. It is always a really tough day for me, and it means the world to me when I get a little text or note reminding me that our daughter is still thought of and loved. So thank you to everyone who takes the time to pray for us, and remember us and Caroline in such a special way!
       

8 months

     How could it be possible to love her more today than ever before? I am not sure, but I absolutely do!  As I spent time looking through her photo albums today, remembering, crying, and smiling, I could not help but give thanks. I give thanks for all the beautiful memories!  I give thanks for the time we shared together! I give thanks for her life! I give thanks for God's faithfulness! I give thanks for the love that I hold for her so deep in my heart! 
     Today I had moments of sadness, where I once again realized all that we have missed. Eight months of milestones, hugs, kisses, stories, snuggles, adventures, and baby blessings. Eight months since I have held my daughter, gazed at her face, and held her tiny hands. I miss her. I miss her more than I ever thought possible. The pain has not gotten any less, but now it often feels so normal, so right.  I know that I will always miss her, with every beat of my heart.
     Today I also had moments of joy! This morning in the midst of my tears, I was struck by the reality that today, and for the past eight months, Caroline has been surrounded by real, pure, true love. My precious girl has been made perfect and whole forever. She will only ever know the greatest love, warmth, and joy! For eight months she has been held in the arms of her Savior! 
   
      We love you Caroline Joy! You will forever be in our hearts. We miss you more with each passing day, yet we rejoice in the promise that we will one day hold you in our arms once again. Until we meet again sweet girl...

Happy Valentine's Day

                                               Happy Valentine's Day


     I have never been one to celebrate Valentine's Day. It has always been  more important for me to celebrate the love I hold for others each and every day of the year. But there is something special about Valentine's Day. Maybe it is the commercials on TV that bring tears to my eyes. Or the beautiful bouquets of flowers that fill the aisles at Meijer. Maybe it the thought of a day where you can eat as much chocolate as you want without feeling guilty! But regardless, there is something special about a day that is specifically set aside to show your love.
     Last year during this week, Josh and I were in a spiral of emotions, fears, devastation, heartbreak, disbelief, and shock. On February 11, we received the news that our precious baby was not going to live after birth. Looking back one year later, I can still feel every one of those raw emotions playing through my mind. I never thought it was possible to feel so many things at once. Yet during that week, I slept and I cried more than I ever thought possible. But the hard  part was that it was not just a weeks worth of grief. Instead, we had started on a journey that will last forever. Even now as I write this, tears fill my eyes as I remember Valentine's Day last year. The week before I had happy thoughts swirling through my head. On Monday we would have our ultrasound, we would see our little one moving around, we would see each little finger and each little toe, we would see the tiny eyes, ears, and a nose. It would be a whole weeks worth of celebration! We could not wait! But oh how quickly that changed. No longer did I even want to think about celebrating. My mind was completely consumed by the pain that so quickly became a forever reality. Our precious, long awaited baby was not going to live.
     Somehow in the midst of all those thoughts, feelings, and emotions, we made it through that first week, the second week, and even the months to come. I honestly stand here right now in complete awe that it has been a year since we sat shocked in that dark ultrasound room. How does time move forward when all you want is for it to stand still? The truth that I can only say because I have walked down this road, is that we move forward because God Loves Us.
    For some it may be so difficult to believe that God would still love us. To be honest there were so many, and still are, moments where I fall to my knees crying out to God. I find myself calling out "God do you still see me? Do you still love me? Do you want me to ever be happy again?" When we walk down a dark and painful journey, one that never seems to fade away, no matter how much times moves forward, we question the goodness of God. We wonder how he could still love us, if he wants us to go through so much heartbreak. Why would he place so much on our already weak and broken shoulders, and expect us to carry on? I am writing this from a place of truth and honesty, because I have been there, and I still find myself there sometimes. We know in the Bible that God promises to never give us more than we can bear, but at times we find that it just feels like too much. We wonder if anything will ever be right again. We wonder if we will ever be able to smile again.
     But today as I reflect over the past year, and how far we have come, I can see glimpses of God throughout each and every moment. Sometimes we must stumble down the darkest path, in what seems to be blinding darkness, in order to see the hand of God guiding us toward the light. For some of us the path of darkness is short, and it does not take long to reach the light. For others the path seems to go on forever, and we begin to doubt that there will ever be light again. Yet as I stumbled, and slipped, and hesitantly moved along that dark path throughout the past year, I know without a shadow of doubt, that God was holding my hand. Even though there were many moments when I questioned his love, he was right beside me, holding me up. He carried me when I could not get up on my own. He held me when I was too weak to move. He wiped my tears as they fell. He guided me when I stumbled, over and over and over again. He allowed me to question, to yell, to wrestle. Yet through my weakness, God LOVED ME. He LOVED ME! It is such a beautiful truth!
     I am so thankful that I have a God who loves me unconditionally. I have a God who truly wants the best for me, and that is why He walked beside me in the hardest times. He never meant for me to go through such pain alone. He never meant for me to face such a heavy loss on my own. I have a God who knows me, who knows what I need, and who knows how to love me even when I do not feel it. I have a God who is faithful, and who will love me in my worst moments, and in my best moments. There is no greater love than that!
     One of the many verses that I have cherished during the past year comes from Psalm 143:8, it says " Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." I cannot even begin to tell you how many moments of uncertainty I have faced in the last year. So many questions, so many decisions, so many doubts. Yet the one thing that has remained constant is the unfailing love that can only come from a God who truly cares. He has guided our path, because we put our trust in Him. We knew that in a situation like this, we could only turn to the one who knows, who understands, and who holds the entire world in his hands. We put our lives, and the life of our sweet baby in his hands right from the beginning, and we know that He has been faithful. He continues to love Josh and I in every moment, and He never fails to bring us beautiful reminders each day of his great love and faithfulness in our lives. We also know that our sweet Caroline is experiencing the greatest of love. It brings such comfort to our hearts to know that she only knew the most unconditional love. She knew love while she was growing inside of me for 35 weeks, she was born into love, and felt our love during the 19 minutes we cradled her in our arms. But even more, she knows God's love in the most beautiful way. I know that she is being held in the loving arms of her creator, and that she is experiencing real and true love today and everyday.
     About a month ago, I was walking through the dollar store, and passed by the Valentine's aisle. It hit me hard when I saw all of the pink and red and purple, because I wish so badly I could be dressing up my little princess for Valentines day this year. But suddenly I saw something that made my heart stop for a moment. It was a butterfly balloon, covered in pink hearts. Immediately it brought a smile to my face. I just knew that this was a perfect balloon for my little girl. I was hoping to bring it to Caroline's grave today. But with the weather being so incredibly cold, and me being stuck on the couch with a miserable cold, I decided to place it somewhere special where Josh and I could enjoy it as well. So all day on Valentine's Day, that little balloon brought smiles to our faces. I picture her up in heaven with Jesus, smiling down on her sick mommy, and sending us lots of kisses. As much as I wish she was in my arms today, so I could hug her and kiss her and spoil her and tell her I love her a million times over, I know that this Valentine's Day she is experiencing the incredible love of her Savior. We know that it is only through His love, that we have learned how to love. What a beautiful picture of unconditional love to celebrate on Valentine's Day! 



This morning I read this from the book Jesus Lives, a book on seeing His love in your life. I wanted to share it with you today...

     My light shines on you continually, whether you are aware of it or not. During the wee hours of the night, your thoughts are often distorted- even catastrophic. Although you may feel as if you're enveloped in darkness, remember that darkness and light are alike to me. I am with you and my love for you never fails. You need the light of my presence supremely more than you need the light of day.
     When the way before you seems dark and threatening, you can still trust me to guide you. Walking by faith is akin to using radar to discern the way you should go. Instead of trying to see through clouds of uncertainty up ahead, fix your eyes on me. I can show you a way forward where there appears to be none. Moreover, as you strive to stay in communication with me, your soul opens up to me. Even in the midst of your struggle, my loving presence can fill your soul with warm delight.