True Joy

     The past few days I have been doing so much thinking and remembering. It is very bittersweet, and I often end up shedding a few tears. But I have to say, the greatest feeling in my heart has been Joy. I continue to go back to every memory, and every moment that we had with our precious daughter. I would never trade those moments for anything. As difficult as it is to not have her here in my arms today, I know that loving her, and having her in my life for those 35 weeks was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.
     In the brief moments that I had left with Caroline in my arms at the hospital, I spent some time alone with her to say goodbye. At that time we did not know that she was a girl. But in my heart, I knew. I told her that when we found out for sure, that her name was going to be Caroline. We had a different middle name picked out for her, and I remember that before she was born, I really liked it. Yet somehow, sitting in that hospital bed, with my daughter in my arms, it just didn't seem to fit. If she truly was a girl, then I knew, we would call her Caroline Joy. Because in the midst of the sadness, the tears streaming down my face, and the intense pounding of my heart, I still felt joy. I was so thankful that she was mine, and that I had been given the gift of time to spend with her. I was so thankful for all of the memories that I knew I would cherish forever. I was so thankful that even though I was sad and heartbroken, I knew that my daughter was now safely in the arms of Jesus. Therefore, in that moment, I decided that if I was truly holding a daughter in my arms, then her name would be Caroline Joy. The name fit perfectly.
     This morning I was sitting outside on the back porch, and in the middle of some dark and heavy clouds, there was an opening. It was a fluffy white cloud, clear blue sky opening. It was beautiful! There was just a small glimmer of the sunshine that was peeking through. In that moment, as I smiled at its beauty, I thought of Caroline. I feel such joy in my heart knowing that she is safely in the arms of Jesus. I know that here on earth she would have been in such pain, and likely facing a life of surgeries and complications. But I know that up there in Heaven, she has been made completely whole. She is living in a perfect body now, where she is not feeling any pain. The only thing she has ever known is love, and that is more than I could ever ask for my children. I know that she felt such incredible love during her short time here on this earth, and now she is experiencing the greatest of love in Heaven. It is a love that is so far beyond anything we could ever imagine. This morning I pictured our heavenly Father gathering Caroline's little body into His strong arms, and holding her close. It is such a beautiful picture of His great love for us, His children.
    

      Even now, as I miss her deeply here on this earth, I thank God that she is now in a place where there is no pain, no tears, no sadness, and no hurt. It does not mean that I will ever understand why it was in God's plan for her to be taken away from us so soon, and it does not mean that the pain and the sadness is any less, or that I don't miss her every second of each day. But it does mean that God, in His great love and mercy, choose to give my daughter the very best life. A life spent in Heaven for eternity, a life of wholeness, a life of perfection, a life of love, a life of praising our Creator, a life of truth, joy, and beauty. Though her tiny body failed her here on this earth, she is now perfect and whole through Jesus. And that truth brings such peace to my heart.
     I wrote before about the dance, between joy and grief. It is a very real reality each moment of the day. In grief, you have no way of knowing from one moment to the next what thoughts and emotions are going to fill your heart and your head. But through the past year, I can say with all honesty, "it is well with my soul". In no way does it take away from the anger, the pain, the questions, the tears, and the sadness that I still experience each day. But it does mean that I am thankful. I am thankful that my daughter is experiencing fullness and wholeness in Heaven. I am thankful for the joy that she has, and continues to bring into my life. I am thankful that God has chosen to give her a beautiful and perfect life, where she knows nothing of the pain and imperfection she would have faced here on this earth. I am thankful for the gift of joy, that continues to present itself in the most amazing, thought provoking, and surprising ways. And above all, I am thankful for my daughter, Caroline Joy, who has taught me so much about myself, about God, and about living a life surrounded by love, joy, and hope.



I would like to say a very big thank you to each and every one who has taken the time to pray for us throughout the past weeks. We cannot even begin to say how much it truly means to us. We find such strength in knowing that so many are still supporting us, and lifting us up to the Lord. Thank you!

Ever closer

     It has been looming in front of me, for the past few months. I knew that it was approaching, yet I tried to forget. My focus shifted to so many things, but I never allowed the reality to truly sink in. Yet here it is, we have entered into the month of June. The month of my daughters birth. The month of hello, and the month of goodbye. The month that forever changed my life.
     Sometimes I still wonder how we made it this far. How I have managed to carry on, even though I feel like my heart is still missing. I wonder how I continue to smile, and to laugh, and to feel true joy in my heart. I wonder how I manage to get up each morning, to the silence of the house around me. I wonder how I get past the ache that I feel each day, when I realize that my arms are still empty. I wonder how my heart continues to love, when it has lost so much.
     This month should be marked with happiness, with joy, and with great celebration. A one year birthday is a really big deal. It is a day where I should be snapping pictures of my sweet little girl, as she greets the day with bright eyes, a wide smile, and those joyful baby noises. I should be decorating the house in pink, planning her birthday party, and shopping for a special birthday dress. I should be reflecting over all of the accomplishments and milestones that have occurred since the day of her birth.
     Instead, I walk into an empty room. A room that never held my precious daughter. A room that was filled with so many hopes and dreams. A room that will now forever only be, a should have been. Instead I open my carefully sealed dresser drawer, and pull out two beautiful pink dresses. Dresses that I bought many years ago, when having a baby was only a hope for the future. Dresses that are marked "one year" and would fit her perfectly during these upcoming summer months. They will forever bring tears to my eyes, and pain to my heart. I should be dressing her up, and watching her toddle through the grass in the sunshine. Instead I open up the mailbox, and find an Oriental Trading magazine. It is a "first birthday" edition, with a happy looking little girl smiling on the front. Surrounding her is a cascade of pink birthday decorations. I never receive Oriental Trading catalogs, so why now? Why this? Instead of eagerly flipping through the pages to find the perfect decorations and themes, I threw it angrily across the room. The rest of my day spent in heartbreaking tears, as I faced the awful, painful, heartbreaking reality. My daughter is not here for her birthday.
     As I look at the date today, I realize that at this time last year, we only had ten days left with Caroline. We had no way of knowing when she was going to arrive, and we prayed with all of our hearts to be given until her due date at the end of July. But God had other plans for her birth. He had her life in His powerful and mighty hands right from the very beginning, including that early Tuesday morning. He knew exactly what moment she would enter into the world, and how many breaths that she would take. He knew that we would fall in love with our sweet little baby as we marveled at her tiny features. He knew that she would fit perfectly in our arms. He knew that there would be joy as we celebrated her life, and spoke gentle loving words into her little ears. He knew that she would be loved by so many, and held with such care. He knew that the tears would fall, and He held each one in His hands. He knew that saying goodbye would be incredibly difficult (the hardest thing we have ever been asked to do), and somehow He filled our hearts with peace. He knew that the ride home would be lonely, and dark, and painful, and yet He filled us with His Presence. He knew that we would ache to hold her, touch her, and care for her, but He gave us the love and support from so many. He knew that there would be tears, screaming, anger, questions, and sadness, but He never abandoned us. He knew that the silence would be deafening, and that the time seemed to stop, but He gave us the strength to keep walking forward, one step, one moment, at a time. He knew. He was there. He provides.
     The next ten days leading up to what should be Caroline's first birthday are not going to be easy. I know that there already have, and probably will continue to be moments when it hits me very hard. Those little triggers are so unexpected, and out of my control. I know that the days will be filled with memories of one year ago, and the sadness of all that we have missed. I wish with all my heart that it could be different. I wish that she was here with me right now. But reality sinks in once again, and I have to make a choice. The same choice that I make each and every day. I choose to focus on the blessings, the joy, the memories, and also embrace the grief. I choose to take another step forward, one day at a time. I choose to remember my daughter, and to celebrate her life. I choose to focus on my blessings, and thank God for giving me joy in my heart. I choose to live life to the fullest, because I know that is what she would want. I choose to be sad, and angry, and hurt, and to just feel, because I know that it is all a part of grief. I choose to love her more and more with each day that goes by, because she will always be my heart.
     As I anticipate the arrival of June 17, I do not know what to expect. I do not know how I am going to feel, or what I am even going to be able to do. There is once again so much unknown. It is hard to prepare yourself for a day that scares you completely, that breaks your heart all over again. All I want is to have her here. I want that so badly. But knowing that she is not here, makes me want to remember her in a special way. As her mom I still feel like my job is to protect her, to take care of her, and to honor her. I know that those feelings will never go away. So on her birthday I feel like it is important to do something special for her. I do not know what that is yet, but I am praying for God's leading.
   

     I know that the days to come are going to be really tough. I have already had some really rough days leading up to the month of June. But I am so thankful for God's faithfulness to me. He has truly brought healing to my heart during the past year. Even though it has come through tiny baby steps, and sometimes I feel like I take a giant step backward before I can continue moving forward, I truly feel that there is hope in front of me. One of the greatest sources of healing has come through Caroline's little brother. Noah has brought so much joy back into my heart. As I feel his precious little kicks and movements, I thank God for the gift of his life. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with this sweet little boy, and I eagerly await the day that he is placed in my arms.
     I also feel healing in my heart when I sit outside. When I smell the lilacs, feel the gentle breeze, see the puffy white clouds in the sky, and hear the birds chirping happily. Those simple blessings bring joy to my heart, and they fill me with hope. Also, weekends with my family and husband up north by the lake, celebrating our 5 year anniversary, beautiful flowers, and of course, ice cream! These things have all become a part of my healing journey, and I will never again take them for granted. I am so thankful that God has brought all of these moments of joy into my life, as they mix with the sadness and grief. Before walking down this journey I never would have understood how you can have both at the same time. After all, when we are happy we are not suppose to be sad at the same time. Yet that is the journey of grief. It is a dance. It is a constant mix between sadness and joy. This has become my new normal, and although it is far from easy, I know that it is going to be okay. I cannot imagine my life any other way. It is because of Caroline that I can miss her so deeply it hurts every inch of my body, and yet I still smile. She has brought such joy to my heart, and I will forever be thankful for her. As I approach her birthday in just ten short days, I know that there is going to be much sadness, and much grief. I know it is going to be really hard. Yet I am thankful for the glimmers of light that continue to shine through. I am thankful for the hope that comes only from the Lord, who continues to be my strength.

 Though the Lord brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.                                              Lamentations 3:32


Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I hope in Him!"
                                                                   Lamentations 3:22-24

Dear Caroline...today is 11months

    Dear Caroline,

  Happy 11 months in Heaven my sweet girl. I miss you so much today, and every day in between.  My heart has been heavy, and my arms desperately ache for you. There is an emptiness that just never goes away.  I cannot believe you have been gone for 11 months. 
     This whole week I have truthfully been dreading this day. I have been an emotional mess leading up to today. It scares me so deeply to realize you have been gone for 11 months, and that we are nearing what should have been your much celebrated first birthday. 
     Yet tonight as I took a walk down the dimly lit street, I thought about you. I realized that this weekend has been filled with joy, despite the heartbreaking pain. One year ago today, I had no idea of what was to come in the future. There was so much uncertainty regarding your birth, and what was going to happen afterward. We were so out of control. I remember how afraid I was for the future ahead, and how I hated being out of control.  Yet it also challenged me as well. I learned that since I had no control,  I could only focus on the moment. I had no way of knowing that exactly one month later, you would be born. I had no way of knowing what was even going to happen at your birth, and even though it was incredibly difficult not knowing, I am so thankful. I now know that on this day one year ago, we only had four more precious weeks with you. Before we had to say goodbye. 
     But there will never be any regrets in my heart for the precious time we had together. I remember sitting in the sand one year ago, with the cool breeze on my face, telling you all about the beauty surrounding us. I remember singing to you, as we heard the waves crash onto the beach. I remember smiling at the birds flying above us, and enjoying the peaceful moment together with you. There was such beauty in that moment, cherishing the joy of having you inside of me. Knowing that even though I could not guarantee what was to come in the future, I could be thankful for that moment. 
     God gave us so many special moments. They were not always filled with such joy and peace and happiness, but they were always special, because they were with you. There is something about being completely out of control that allows you to stop, and to refocus. Because of you my precious girl, you mommy has learned the importance of slowing down. I have learned that I need to be thankful for each moment, and take the time to cherish all of the blessings that God has placed in my life. Before I was always rushing, keeping myself busy, busy, busy. Now that I have learned about the joy and the peace that comes from a quiet heart, I know that I will always be thankful. I will always be thankful for what you have taught me Caroline, and for all of the precious moments we shared. I will always hold them deep in my heart, and I know they will bring a smile to my face, even in the dark moments. 
     Now as we await the arrival of your little brother, your mommy once again has so many fears. Each day brings new anxiety and worry. It is a constant reminder that I am once again completely out of control. But because of you my sweet girl, I choose to embrace every moment. I choose to look for the little blessings, and to focus my eyes on the beauty of the world surrounding us. I choose to thank God for the joy that comes from a quiet heart. Even though it is so scary to once again be entrusting everything into God's hands, I know He is faithful.  He will never leave us alone. 
     Today I sat with my feet in the same sand that I did last year. My memory of the time I spent with you was so vivid in my mind.  In so many ways, I wished that I could have been back to that moment once again. Feeling your tiny body moving inside. But today I told your brother Noah all about you as we sat on that beach. It was so beautiful, just as it was a year ago! It made me miss you deeply, but it made me feel closer to you at the same time. 
     So today as I think about you, remember you, miss you, and love you, I am also so thankful for you. I am so proud to be your mommy,and know that I always will be. You will forever be my heart sweet girl. Thank you for teaching me about embracing each moment, and finding joy in the little blessings. I will always be grateful. 
     It is with tears that I sweetly whisper "I love you" tonight,  as I wish I was holding you in my arms. But know that your mommy will always love you, more deeply with each passing day.  I miss you precious Caroline, more than words will ever say.
            Until we meet again.... 

          Holding you close in my heart forever. 
                                Mommy

  

The Big Reveal

Pink or Blue?

We had the big gender reveal party on Monday night! It was a fun celebration

for our sweet little baby! Our family and close friends were all there to enjoy the very special night with us! I wanted to share the night in pictures with all of you.

Our sweet Caroline is going to be a Big Sister!

Everything was decorated so beautifully!

Our amazing friend Emily made us this beautiful cake!

40 Black Balloons ready to be popped! Pink or Blue Confetti
was hiding inside!

Everyone was asked to come wearing either a Pink shirt or a Blue shirt. Depending on their guess!

Representing Team Blue!

Representing Team Pink!

And Team Blue overwhelmingly outnumbered Team Pink!
Now to find out... Is our baby a Boy or a Girl?

Our Baby is a BOY!!!!!!!!!

We could not be more excited!!!

We are so in love with our little Boy already!

Thank you to everyone who already loves our little boy, and for all of the many prayers on behalf of him and us. We are so incredibly blessed to have such love and support from so many amazing people. We are so thankful! Monday was a special day of rejoicing and celebration, a day to thank God for the new life that He has brought into our lives, and for the good news that everything is growing "normally". We still walk a very difficult road in the months ahead, and we know that there are never any guarantees. It is still with very cautious hearts that we continue to move forward one step at a time. Yet today was a huge milestone for us, and for our little baby. We are praising God for all of the good news! Each step we walk is only through the power and strength of our mighty God, who is holding us close in the palm of His hand. We continue to choose to put our hope, our trust, and our fears in His capable hands, knowing that He is faithful.

And Now For More Big News....

     We are also so excited to announce that we have decided to name our little boy William Noah Mulder. We will be calling him Noah. The name William is very special to both Josh and I. It is a name that has been passed down in his family for many generations. In fact, for those of you who do not know, Josh's first name is William. We know that it is very special that we can pass on this name to our son. So it is with great honor that we will be giving our little boy the name William.

     The name Noah has been on my heart since the very beginning of this pregnancy. Something that I have not shared openly is that I truly believe that God told me we were going to have a boy. Even before I found out that I was pregnant, I was sitting one evening at Bible Study, and this thought suddenly popped into my mind. It was very clear to me in that moment, "You are pregnant, and you will be having a boy". Now at the time, I wondered if it was my own selfishness just wanting so desperately to be pregnant, after all, when we want something badly we can often trick our minds and hearts into thinking whatever it is we would like to hear. But that night, when I got home, I happened to turn to the story of Noah in my Bible. It is a story that has been so close to my heart during the past year, as we walked down our journey with Caroline. In this story, we hear of a man who trusted in God. In the midst of so much sin and wickedness in the world, the Lord found favor with Noah. The Bible says that "Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of that time" and then my favorite part..."and he walked with God." Even though I am sure Noah was tempted, and he was discouraged by all of the wickedness that was going on around him, he continued to stay close to God. Then God decided to put an end to the corruption that was happening on the earth, and He was going to destroy the people. Yet the Lord found favor with Noah, and amidst what I am sure was the most difficult time of Noah's life, he obeyed God. Noah trusted in God that it was not crazy to build a huge boat, and he lived on that boat with just his family, and the animals for many days and nights. It probably felt like forever to Noah at times. I am sure it was scary, uncomfortable, and discouraging on that boat as the storm surged around them. I often wonder what thoughts went through Noah's head, as they had to trust in God for their very lives. But at the end of the story, when they were finally able to leave the boat and walk safely on the dry ground once again, God placed a beautiful rainbow in the sky as a covenant, a promise, to Noah and his family. What an amazing sight that rainbow must have been to weary Noah!

  Last year we went through our own storm. It was a rough and scary storm. There were times when we felt so trapped, almost as though we were stuck on a boat with no dry land in sight. Noah chose to follow God, and obeyed His commands, even though he did not know how it was all going to turn out in the end. The only thing he could do was trust that God was in control. As I read this story again that night, I was reminded of how God has led us through the storm. We were never in control of what was happening with our daughter, no matter how much we wanted to be. The only thing we could do was trust that God was in control. It was not easy, and it has taken so much time, but I feel like we are finally taking some of those first tiny steps on dry ground once again. Looming brightly ahead of us is the beautiful rainbow, God's promise to us. We know that no matter what happens, we can trust that God is never going to let us go. Even though there is great darkness and pain in the world, we can choose to walk close beside Him, just as Noah did. We are choosing to find our hope in the Lord, and we are completely trusting Him with the life our sweet little boy. As we cautiously take those first steps on dry ground, we are walking slowly towards the rainbow of hope that God has placed before us.

     Once I finished reading this story, I just knew that the name Noah was going to be perfect if we ever had a little boy. The name Noah holds such significance and meaning to us, and it is a perfect reminder of God's promises to us, His precious children. So every time I call my son by his name, Noah, not only do I think of that beautiful rainbow of hope, but I also thank God for the storm, and how He has safely guided us through, and continues to guide us each and every moment. I thank God for the joy that He brought to us in midst of the storm, through our beautiful daughter Caroline Joy. I thank God that Caroline now has a little brother, who brings hope into our lives. I thank God for the promise of a rainbow!

     So Caroline's little brother will be named William Noah, two very special names to us. Whenever we look at him in the future, we will forever remember God's faithfulness to us.

On the same night, we were having an open house at our house. The past four weeks we have been working almost nonstop on getting our house ready to be put up for sale. It was the first night of people being able to view our house, it has only been listed since Friday night. We got a phone call shortly after the balloons popped, letting us know that we had an amazing offer on our house! We are so excited to say that we signed the offer acceptance papers at 9:30 Monday night, and are now in the process of getting that SOLD sign up soon! It was such a huge day for us. At the end of the night I was completely speechless. God is so good!

Baby's Big Ultrasound

     On Monday morning we had our 20 week ultrasound for our little baby. We were filled with peace and eager anticipation! It was such a blessing to know we had so many people who were covering us in prayer. I cannot even begin to describe the peace that filled my heart yesterday. Inside my stomach was turning, and outside my hands were shaking. But my heart was so calm. I felt as though God was holding my hand, guiding me into that all too familiar ultrasound room.
     When we heard that strong heartbeat, I felt so overwhelmed. It meant our baby was alive! Throughout the next half hour, we were able to see each and every part of our little baby! Everything was perfect! Our baby is strong, heathy, and super active. Each time we saw another body part, in the correct place, our hearts were flooded with joy, pure joy! 

The profile of our sweet little baby!

5 perfect fingers!

Just look at that tiny little foot so perfectly formed!

     The baby had a strong heart rate of 154, and already weighs 12 oz. The morning was filled with such excitement and amazement as we watched our active little baby wiggle and kick and move all over. It is amazing at how perfectly formed the baby is at only 20 weeks! I just had to stop and marvel at our amazing God, who can so beautifully knit together such delicate details. It reminded me once again of how much He is in control. As much as I would love to take the credit for this little one's growth and development, the truth is that our mighty and powerful God is even now forming this little one in His image. It is such a humbling thought. Each tiny and precious detail, such as those five fingers, five toes, and all the bones that make up the hands and feet, are so intricately placed together. I just stand in awe of our Almighty God!

     We are praising God for such a wonderful morning, and the great blessing of knowing that our baby is still doing okay. We know that this is such a gift, and we will never be able to adequately express the joy and the gratitude that fills our hearts.  Each day we fall more and more in love with our little baby!                                           Praise the Lord! 



For those of you who can discern ultrasound pictures, you
should be able to see the wide open mouth, our baby was yawning! Must
be the busy morning tired out baby too! 

Hope in Front of Me

     On Saturday afternoon I went to visit Caroline's special place. It was a little chilly with the breeze, but otherwise it was a beautiful sunny day. When I got there, I could just feel God's peace washing over me in such an incredible way. I always feel such peace when I am sitting there beside her headstone. It feels as though she is very close to me in those moments. As I started talking to her, and sharing my heart, little baby inside of my stomach started moving around. It was such a monumental moment for me. Through those kicks and wiggles it seemed as if this little one was saying "hello" to his or her big sister. I could not help but feel such joy in that moment, as I realized that I am now a mommy to two very amazing little babies.
     I knew in that moment, as the wind blew all around, and as I felt those very distinct kicks inside, that my two precious babies were right there beside me. I know that this little one knows Caroline, and that she will always be a special part of our life. I also know that Caroline is smiling down on us, watching over us from Heaven. It was a reminder that I truly needed that day, and I am so thankful that God nudged me to stop and visit her special place that afternoon. He knew I needed a little reminder of the hope that we have through Him. The hope that one day, we will all be reunited together as a family.
     I am so thankful that God used those moments, with my precious babies, to remind me that He is in control. I am thankful that He is my hope! It does not mean that everything is always going to be easy, and that all the fears and anxiety are just going to disappear. But rather I know that no matter what happens, I will be alright. Because... "there is hope in front of me, there is a light, I still see it, there's a hand still holding me, even when I don't believe it, I might be down but I'm not dead, there's better days still up ahead, even after all I've seen, there's hope in front of me." I heard the lyrics to this song on my way home that afternoon. It is amazing at how those songs can just truly speak right to your heart. The part of the song that always hits me hard is where it says, "There's a hope still burning, I can feel it rising through the night, And my world's still turning, I can feel your love here by my side." In so many ways, I am still walking down the journey of grief, and loss, and missing my Caroline more with each day. Yet as I feel this little baby move, and as I watch my belly grow, I am reminded of God's goodness. My world is still turning, and it is a crazy mixed up mess most of the time. But through God, I can feel that hope still burning! It is truly still there. I can feel the hope of being with my sweet Caroline once again in Heaven, and I can feel the hope of a happy future with this sweet little baby. But most of all, I can feel God's love. His unconditional love that surrounds me fully and completely! Through every storm in life, and at the end of every rainbow, He is there holding me in His loving arms, and because of that truth, I know that there is hope in front of me.

 

Hope in Front of Me

By Danny Gokey

I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I might be down but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind

You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I might be down but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

There's a hope still burning
I can feel it rising through the night
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side

You're my hope
You're the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I've got to believe
I still have hope
You are my hope

 

Even If The Healing Doesn't Come

      I wanted to share a song that has been close to my heart the past four months. I first heard this song on our way to our first doctor appointment and ultrasound. There was nothing that I could do to stop the tears from falling down my face as I listened to the lyrics. This song hit me in such a powerful way. Going into the office that day, there was absolutely no guarantee. I had no way of knowing what the doctor was going to tell us. There was no for sure that we would even hear a heartbeat. I was so scared. As my hands shook, my heart raced, and the tears fell, I was reminded once again of how I do not control my life.

 

I really wanted to put the actual music video to this song here on my blog for you to watch. But of course I am awful with technology, and after multiple frustrating attempts, I figured it was safer for me to just give up. I do have a very technologically awesome husband who is currently painting and can't really stop to help me right now. So if you have a moment please stop and listen to this song by clicking on this link: https://youtu.be/HqOkZiOb9u0. I pray that it touches your heart today in a special way.

 

 



Even If (The Healing Doesn't Come)

by Kutless

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You’re still the Great and Mighty One

We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come

 

 

     In that moment, the only thing that I could hold onto is what I know is true of my God. What He has proven to me faithfully over and over again. There are never any guarantees. We could be walking out of that doctor's office with tears streaming down our faces, and with broken hearts once again. We could be walking out in silence, with the shock of another scary diagnosis. It was so out of my control. I could not predict what was going to happen in that next hour. I could not tell anyone what I was going to see on that black and white ultrasound screen that morning. There was no guarantee.

     Yet through His love, as I wiped those tears from my face, I felt God draw near. There will never be words that can adequately describe the feeling of how His love surrounded me in that moment. Through that song, I could hear His gentle whisper, that even if the healing doesn't come, and we walk out in sorrow, or if we are blessed to walk out with smiles on our faces, He is going to be standing there beside us. He IS faithful!

     One of the things that I hope has come out so clearly through my writing, and through my life as well, is the resounding promise of His faithful to us. We have walked down a very painful journey, one I never dreamed we would have to face. But no matter how difficult it was, and continues to be, and no matter how out of control I have felt, God has always been there through every moment. He has walked so closely beside me, that I could not even begin to imagine doing any of this alone.

     We can cling to the reminders of God's faithfulness to us in the past, when we are facing struggles today. Sometimes those reminders are all that you have to hold onto in those very scary and uncertain moments. They become a promise for today. That even though what you are going through right now is far from easy, and those painful struggles can become all consuming, we have the hope of His promises. He will bring light to our darkness. He will bring joy back into our sorrow filled heart. He will give us strength for each moment. He will give us hope for a beautiful future. He will never leave us. Life can be so tough, but we have a good God!

     This pregnancy has been filled with fear and uncertainty, the constant worry that never leaves my mind. I want so badly to hope, to be excited, and to dream. But it is a constant battle. I am so scared to hope that we may be able to finally bring a baby home. I am so scared to picture having this little one moving in my arms. I am so scared to plan and prepare, because I have no guarantee. Oh how I want to be that innocent mother once again. I want to be happily searching out baby items online, and buying more baby clothes than I probably should. But something inside of me says NO. It will just hurt too much. There is just so much uncertainty that plagues my mind. I am always thinking the worst, and finding it is so hard to hope. Instead of wandering the baby aisles at Meijer, I still turn my head. Instead of browsing for baby items online, I find myself reading the Bible for that constant reassurance that my heart needs (which is a good thing!). It is just so scary to allow myself to believe that everything is going to work out this time.

     Yet despite the fear, worry, and anxiety that fills my heart and mind, I have found that each day I am allowing myself to love this little one more and more. Each time I feel those little flutters, it brings tears to my eyes, because I just know that he or she is growing bigger and stronger in there. Slowly I am able to learn a little bit more about this baby's personality with each day that goes by. I never thought that I would be able to love any baby as much as I love my Caroline, but I have discovered that my heart has easily grown by a million. I find that as I not only love my Caroline even more with every day that passes, I also love her little brother or sister even more with each day. My heart has just been expanded to love both of them more than I ever dreamed possible. It is the deep love of a mother's heart that allows me to keep moving forward. I am just so beyond blessed!

     But despite the love, it is a constant struggle each day as I face the unknown. Yet God has been faithful! He continues to remind me of His great love for me, and He fills my heart with peace in just the right moments. I know that despite the uncertainty of the days and months to come, He has been faithful, and He will continue to be faithful. I am thankful that He is carrying me through the tough days, where I find it difficult to trust. I am thankful that He continues to walk beside me, on the days when I feel confident in His presence. God is good! In the good and the bad, God is good!

     No matter what lies ahead on this journey of my life, I have placed my trust in God, ALWAYS! I will forever choose to praise Him, and to constantly proclaim "You're still the Great and Mighty One!"

 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. "   

                                                                                   Hebrews 12:1-3