A picture is worth a thousand words...and then some.

     This morning as I sat watching the faintest light beginning to peek through the windows, I remembered. I remembered these beautiful moments, when we laughed through the pain, and embraced every moment of our pregnancy with Caroline. In our heads, in our hearts, we knew that our time with her was going to be short, and there was so much uncertainty facing us ahead. Yet I remember feeling the upmost joy in those moments. Those moments when we could just stop, and take the time to cherish every second of her beautiful life. We knew, then and there, that she was a fighter. Continuing to face the odds, and growing bigger each and every day. We had so much love for our little baby, even though we had yet to meet face to face. Our hearts were so full for the baby who continued to fight each day, to meet us.
 These pictures were taken by my amazing cousin, at 33 weeks into our pregnancy with Caroline. Little did we know in those moments, that in just two weeks, we would be meeting her and then saying goodbye. This morning as I cried over each one, I sat in complete thankfulness. What a gift to have these beautiful pictures to remember. To remember the moments when everything just felt right. When everything felt normal. Never once at the beginning of my pregnancy did I dream that our pregnancy would be different than any other normal couple experiencing pregnancy. I envisioned us having maternity pictures, but only to celebrate a happy healthy pregnancy. But as I have learned, over and over again, our plans do not always go as expected. Instead, these pictures became a symbol, a symbol of Caroline's beautiful, but short life. I do not have the opportunity to fill up my phone, multiple times a month!, with pictures of Caroline. But I do have a few, very cherished, very special, very important pictures, that will forever help me remember her life. They will be pictures that I hold close to my heart forever. They hold a lifetime of memories for us. And this morning, I am so thankful to be able to hold them in my lap, and just allow myself to remember.

Dear Caroline,

Dear Caroline,

     Today I wanted to use pink, just to see it. The color that reminds me of you. That will always remind me of you. The color that I wish I could see around our house, and dress you in. The color that I always dreamed of using for my daughter. You see sweet girl, your mommy still has a difficult time looking at little girl clothes in the store. It is a very painful reminder of what I never was able to buy for you. I have looked a million times, and even allowed myself a few glances, dreaming of what could have been. Yet each time I am stopped by the pain that hits my heart. The reality of losing you. Oh how I wanted to buy you those precious little dresses and bows. I wish I could buy fancy shoes for you, and watch your eyes sparkle as you tried them on. I wish that I could watch your silky dark hair flow behind you as you danced around. Because now, you would almost be two. I cannot believe that I would be a mother to a two year old.  A toddler. Oh what fun we would be having right now, watching you grow up. Watching you love on your little brother. We would know your little personality. The things that you liked. The things that you didn't like. How much you loved us. We would be hearing your sweet little voice singing and talking. We would be watching you grow up and learn so many new things. It is so hard to understand why we will never experience these moments with you here on earth. Why we never had the chance to get to know you. Your mommy will forever wonder about you, and who you would become. Your mommy will always have to turn her head when she looks at those precious pink dresses, because it hurts my heart too much. Your mommy will always wish she could have just one more kiss, and one more chance to run my hands through your silky dark hair. I will always wish for what will never be.

     Today I am thinking of you precious girl, even more than I always do. Today is the day that you would turn 23 months old. Only one more month until your second birthday. I wish that we could be planning for a special birthday party, and getting excited for you to turn a whole year older. I wish we could celebrate all of your big milestones, accomplishments, and the special gift that you are to us. But instead your mommy is feeling sad, knowing that it is another year away from you. Another year of being apart. Another year where the memories that I hold so deeply in my heart, seem to fade just a little bit more. Another year of missing you with every breath I take.

     It scares me sweet girl, to think that you are being forgotten. I hear your name less and less. Sometimes I just sit with your blanket in my arms, looking through your pictures, saying your name out loud. So that I can hear it. So that I can remember. So that I can continue to imprint each memory back into my heart. I just want you to know precious girl, that I will never forget you. You will always be our first baby, my first daughter, and a member of our family. We will always be a family of four, even though on earth it seems as though we are only three. I will continue to work each day of my life to keep your memory alive, and to celebrate your life. I will continue to share your story, and do my best to reach out to those who are hurting. I will continue to speak your name, your beautiful name, because you did exist. I will continue to be so proud of you, and thank God each day for the honor of being your mommy.

     Today I also rejoice Caroline, at the celebration you must be having every day in Heaven. I rejoice in knowing that you are safe in the arms of Jesus, and that there He has made you whole, and perfect through His great love and sacrifice. I rejoice in knowing that you are constantly feeling the greatest of love, and that you are experiencing it with every breath that you take. I rejoice in knowing that you are never alone. I rejoice in knowing that you know nothing of pain, suffering, and sadness. I rejoice in knowing that one day, we will all be together again. A day that your mommy longs for with every breath I take.

      Caroline Joy, your mommy also wants you to know what a difference your life continues to make, even though you are no longer here with us. Even for the short 35 weeks that you were here, your life made more of an impact that I could have ever dreamed. I am so proud of you my sweet girl. I know that God had a plan for your life. He had a beautiful plan for your life. He continues to use your story to touch other people. It doesn't make it any easier, and your mommy wishes it were different, and yet I am so thankful. I am thankful that God is making beauty out of pain. I am glad that God is using the hurt, and sadness, and grief, to touch hearts. I am glad that your life has inspired me to be a better person, one who desires to serve others. I am thankful that my heart is forever changed, because of you. I am thankful that God continues to place opportunities in my life where I can minister to others. I never feel adequate, and yet God continues to fill me with exactly what I need to accomplish what He has called me to do. I know that God had a plan for your life, right from the first moment that you were formed. What a beautiful calling my daughter, to know that He can continue to use your life to reach out to others.

     The last few days I have been listening over and over to a song that has spoken right to my heart. A song that not only acknowledges the pain, the hurt, the sadness, and the forever grief, but also a song that shows redemption and the promise of hope.

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

     I could write a million thoughts that come to mind when your mommy hears this song, but then this letter would never end! Your mommy loves to talk! But when I hear this song I think so much of the journey that God has brought us through. From those first moments of hearing your perfect heart beating, to hearing those painful words spoken by a doctor telling us you would never survive outside of my body. From all the tears I cried in helpless frustration, knowing it was a ticking time clock with nothing I could do to fix the terrible "diagnosis", to that night filled with incredible peace, when I knew it was time to meet you. Oh how much we went through together sweet girl. Riding in that car at 1am that early Tuesday morning, so unsure of what the next hours held. To that moment, that precious, life changing moment, when I held you for the first time. How those moments changed me forever. They are forever etched in my heart. You were such a miracle, always my miracle. I would do anything to change what has happened, and I will never stop missing you, but I am so thankful that my heart is beginning to beat again. I may not be at the place where this song describes yet, I know that I still have days when my heart just does not want to beat, because it still hurts. Yet somehow I know that every heartbreak, and every scar, is truly a picture that reminds me of the One who has carried me this far. Because I know that love sees farther than I ever can, and that God continues to work everything for my good. So Caroline, your mommy promises that through God's strength, I will continue to tell my heart to beat again. I will take each step forward with hope, knowing that God will continue to hold me close. I will continue to let the shadows fall away, and step into the light of grace. I will continue to hope for the future, and walk toward the sun. Because as the song says, "your story is far from over, and your journey has just begun." Your mommy looks forward to what God has in store for the future. I know that He is working things out for our good. I know that He has a plan, a beautiful plan. Your mommy stands here, with a broken heart, that misses her little girl, but with an open heart, that is hopeful for tomorrow.

Happy 23 months in Heaven to my beautiful girl. You are loved and missed more than you will ever know. Your mommy loves you with all of her heart.

Until we meet again my Caroline Joy,

Mommy

Called. Scared. Open.

     Have you ever had that moment, when you felt God calling you to do something that made you very uncomfortable? I am sure you have experienced it. That moment when your heart races, and you cannot take it off your mind. You know what you should do, what you have to do, and yet somehow we make it seem as though it is still a choice. We play it over and over in  our mind, thinking through every possible scenario. It is usually the worst case scenario. Because that is the easiest solution when we are scared and unsure.
     Ever since we have walked down this journey of losing Caroline, I have been faced with many opportunities where I felt God calling me to be a witness for Him. It has become a much more familiar and comfortable feeling over time. I believe that when you open up your heart, and allow God to begin to work through your pain and your hurt, He is able to use it for good. I have been so blessed to be given opportunities to share Caroline's story, and to share about God's faithfulness. It has never been easy, and usually I am filled with fear, hesitation, and self doubt. But the beauty of responding to God's call, is that He gives you exactly what you need in that very moment. He doesn't call us and then leave us hanging. He calls us and also equips us to serve Him. Even when we feel inadequate, or unworthy.
     Tomorrow I have the opportunity to speak at a college, and to share Caroline's story with students who are close to graduation. I am not going to lie, I am really nervous. I am not a speaker, nor do I feel confident in myself. I am filled with so many insecurities and doubts. Yet I am so incredibly excited for this opportunity. I feel so grateful to be able to honor the life of my daughter by sharing her miraculous story. It is truly an answer to my prayers each day, that I will be able to share her life, and use her story to touch others. As her mommy, I am so proud to be able to talk about her, and to point others to the God who has never left our side. I know that it is what Caroline would want, and I also know that God has given me this opportunity for a reason. Despite my fears and insecurities, I am trusting that He will use me to lead others to Him.
     I have realized over the course of the past three years, that the more I trust in God in my weakness, the stronger I become. What may have been overwhelming and scary at one time, is now not quite so difficult. The more I put my trust in Him, and listen for His call, the more I realize this important truth, God does not call us to do something that He does not give us the power and help to accomplish. So even though I am extremely anxious and worried about tomorrow, and I am fearful at how it will all go, I find myself falling to my knees, asking for help from the One who calls. The One who called me. The One who commands us, all of us, to go out and witness for Him. I trust that through me, the Lord will speak His Truths. I trust that He will give me the words to share. I trust that He will give me the strength and confidence that I need.
     I want to ask you today, what is it that God is calling you to do? Is there something that He has laid on your heart, that constantly fills your mind? Is there something that makes you uneasy or where you feel unworthy? Have you allowed yourself to be open to the possibility that God is calling you to reach out for Him? We are called to share His love, and to spread the Good News of His saving grace with those around us. What does that look like for you? I challenge you to think about that today and through this week. Allow yourself to be open to the Lord's leading. It can be scary to be open, because you never know what He will call you to do. Never in my life would I expect to be given this opportunity for a second time, to speak to a large group of people. Yet here I am. Ready and open to the Lord's leading, but oh so nervous and scared! I am standing humbled and amazed at how He works through my life, and praying that He will speak through me. Not my words Lord, but Yours.

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."                                   2 Corinthians 9:8

Noah Update

Our precious rainbow baby is 3 months old! He is 16 weeks on Monday. Where has the time gone? My little boy is growing up so quickly. He is such a blessing to us! We are so grateful, each and every day for God's gift. Little Noah has brought so much healing into our hearts. Each smile brings us such joy. Noah is doing so well. He is always so active, and surprises us each day with his new skills! His little legs rarely stop moving, and he has even rolled over a few times. Noah loves sleeping, and he is so good to his mommy and daddy. He sleeps through the night, and wakes up with a huge smile on his little face. We just can't get enough of him! Noah is quite the talker, and he loves talking to mommy and daddy, and especially his monkey! We have just loved watching him grow. I would like to share a few pictures of our sweet little boy with all of you. I happen to think he is pretty cute, even though I am really biased. ♡

     I know that many of you have been asking why I don't post pictures of Noah on Facebook. Trust me, it isn't because I don't take pictures of him.  I have over 1,000 + pictures of his first three months of life saved on my phone! But I just wanted to share my heart with all of you. On this journey of losing our daughter, I have learned so many things. During the months following the loss of Caroline, I felt so many emotions anytime I was on social media. Anytime I saw a pregnancy announcement, a baby announcement, milestone photo, birthday photo, or just pictures of precious babies in general, I never knew how I would respond. It usually brought me to my knees, in pain, in hurt, in anger, and always in tears. It was so hard to see other people having what I had lost. It was a painful reminder of what I would not have with Caroline. So after many tear filled nights, I decided to take a break from social media. It was such a good decision. During that time I spent more time reading God's word, and praying for the many people who were hurting. It put me in a much better place emotionally, and my heart was not filled with so much jealousy, anger, and pain. That break allowed me to focus on what was most important.
After knowing what it felt like personally, and to read those status updates, when my heart was already broken, I knew that I never wanted to be the cause of more pain for anyone else. There is so much pain, and hurting in this world. I have met so many beautiful and brave women who walk through each day experiencing loss in some form or another. I know from personal experience that I want to be sensitive to those who are hurting. Seeing a picture or announcement can trigger so many emotions, wanted or unwanted. So I have chosen to personally keep any announcements, milestones, and pictures off Facebook.
I do however, want to keep updating my blog. I am so incredibly thankful for all those who have followed our journey. Thank you for standing beside us, through the good and the bad. Thank you for all of the prayers. Thank you for all of your love, encouragement, and support. We are so thankful for all of you! Sending all of my love to each of you!

I would love to share Noah's song with all of you. I listened to this song over and over as he grew inside of me. It holds so much meaning to me. Noah is my hope. Through Noah's life God has restored so much hope into my life. Each time I look into his perfect blue eyes, I feel that hope renewed. I just love this little boy so much. He is such a special blessing!


Hope In Front Of Me
Danny Gokey

I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I might be down but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind

You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I might be down but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

There's a hope still burning
I can feel it rising through the night
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side

You're my hope
You're the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I've got to believe
I still have hope
You are my hope

The Hurt and The Healing.

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it's over now

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide


- The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me


     Why? A question that plagued my mind, over and over this week. Why? Why? Why? It rang out above all other noise.
     Grief. It's a very scary thing. Sometimes it lurks silently, without any indication that it still exists. I have moments where it feels so far away, as though I experienced it in another lifetime. But then, suddenly, without warning, it knocks me to the ground. I feel like I don't know if I am standing, sitting, laying, or even breathing. How is it possible, to go from joy filled bliss, to complete and utter pain, heartbreak, sorrow, and anger?
     These past weeks have been incredibly difficult. My heart has been filled with questions, with anger, and with tears. I feel like I have been transported back, back to the summer after saying goodbye to Caroline. Back to the questions, the wondering, why?  Why did it have to be my daughter? My poor sweet daughter. Why could I, her mother, not protect her, save her? Why are all the hopes, and dreams I have held since I was a little girl, gone, disappeared in just a matter of moments? Why did this happen to us? I don't think I will ever not ask these questions.
     The past 19 months have been filled with healing. Even though I didn't always feel like I was healing. The journey has been so tough, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have learned that grieving is a full time job. It is incredibly  exhausting to grieve. Some days it leaves you on the floor, gasping for breath. But I have also learned that you continue to breathe, even though it's hard. I am still alive. Each and every moment, I have been held, cradled, in the arms of the Lord. Slowly, the healing did take place. Slowly, my heart was pieced back together. Slowly, the tears fell less often. Slowly, I felt the joy return into my life. Slowly, I began to see glimmers of hope, until one day it was shining bright in front of me. Slowly, I felt less pain, and more peace, as I remembered my little girl. Slowly, the pain got easier to handle, and the anger and guilt faded. Slowly, I smiled more, a real heartfelt smile. I owe it, all of it, to the Great Healer. At one time, I wondered if I would ever feel "normal" again. I wondered if life would be the same. The truth is that now,after a year and a half, I haven't gotten back to normal, my life is not the same. But that is just fine with me. I don't want it to be the same. I am changed. Forever different because of Caroline. I am thankful.
     But I did find a "normal", a new normal. I know I have written many times about my new normal. The many ways that Caroline has changed my life. All of those things are different than I ever planned for my life, I never dreamed I would be in this place, right here, right now. But this was God's plan for my life, and I am so thankful for the healing that has taken place.
    So why, why, did I fall backward this week? Why did I take huge steps backward? I had been feeling better, more confident, and happy than I had in a really long time. But now all of those dark feelings that had become as close as a best friend, were there again. Staring at me with a smirk on their faces. They felt normal, yet foreign at the same time. It brought me back to those months of darkness. I realized something, especially this weekend, that grief will never go away. It will forever be a part of my life. It may be less than it was before, and I may know how to handle it better than before, but it will always be there. I never know when that trigger may arise, which allows the grief to flood my heart. This week, as I listened to the radio station I always listen to in the car, I heard over and over the advertisement for a Father Daughter Dance. At one time, this would have brought a smile to my face, as I dreamed of my precious daughter getting dressed up so beautifully, and her daddy smiling from ear to ear as they walked out the door together, for a special night together. Now it brings tears, painful hurting tears, into my eyes. It hurts so much. Josh will never be able to take Caroline on a special date. They will never share those special memories together. That breaks my heart. The grief hits hard in those moments. I turn down the sound, because it hurts too much. Those reminders of what we have lost, will forever be there. I never know what they will do to my fragile emotions.
    This week I heard the song The Hurt and The Healer on the radio. With tears streaming down my face I thanked God. There is so much hurt. There will always be pain. Especially when the grief resurfaces once again. But He is the Healer. In the song it says "here I am, what's left of me, where glory meets my suffering, I'm alive, even though a part of me has died, you take my heart and breathe it back to life, I'll fall into Your arms open wide, when the hurt and the healer collide. As I faced the emotions once again, the disappointment, the anger, and the tears, I know that the hurt and the Healer are going to collide. I know that although I have felt so far from God these weeks, and at times, I even felt mad for the way everything happened, He has been here. A part of me has died, a part that will forever be missing until we are reunited in Heaven. But I know that He has, and will continue to breathe life back into my heart. Each and every day. Even when the bitterness fills my heart, and He feels so far away. I know His arms are open wide, ready for me, waiting for me. What a beautiful promise.
     Tonight has been really tough, the questions are continually filling my head. It really just stinks, feeling like I have taken some huge steps back, even after I have worked so hard to get this far. I feel defeated. I feel exhausted. I miss her. I really truly just miss her. I want so badly to know her, to really know her. I want to know her personality, her smile, her giggles and wiggles. Why? Why? Why?
     So in my pain, and in my hurt, I will be angry,  because it is okay. I will be frustrated, because that is okay too. I will cry, and I will scream, because through it I will heal. I will miss my daughter, my heart. I will miss what could have been, what should have been. And after it all, I will go running into the arms of my Father. The One who has healed me, who continues to heal me. Tonight I pray, "Jesus come and break my fear, awake my heart and take my tears, find Your glory even here, when the hurt and the healer collide."

Thank you Jesus for your forever faithfulness and wide open arms, even when I pull away, and allow the bitterness and pain to fill my heart. Thank you for holding each tear that I cry,  and help me to seek your healing, the only true healing for my broken heart.

   

Loved.

Dear Caroline,
     Today is the day that you would have been a year and a half. 18 months since I last held you in my arms, stared at your beautiful face, and wrapped my finger in your tiny palm. 18 months since we said hello, and goodbye, in nearly the same breath. Oh how that special day lives in your mommy's heart. A day that still stands out so vividly in my mind. It was a day filled with such love, joy, heartbreak, and loss. We knew in our hearts how much we had lost, and yet we rejoiced in all we had been given. That early June morning, we were given the most amazing gift, the cherished moments of meeting our long awaited, much loved baby. Your mommy still remembers whispering into your little ear, as your warm body filled my arms. I remember kissing your soft cheeks. It was a perfect moment, one I had waited for, hoped for, prayed for.
     This morning it hit me, as I sat wide awake in the darkness, that you would be a whole year and a half old today. What that means is very hazy in my mind. You see my sweet girl, you will forever be my baby. That tiny little bundle wrapped so lovingly in your blanket. I cannot picture you running around the Christmas tree, singing and dancing as the lights sparkle in your eyes. I cannot picture you on Christmas morning, unwrapping your gifts with chubby little fingers. I cannot picture you being swept up for a giant welcome hug when your daddy gets home from work. But I do wonder, I wonder every single day. Would you have bright blue eyes like your little brother?  Would your hair still be so dark and curly? Would you love reading books, or dancing around?  Would you have a sweet little smile, that touched everyone you would meet?  My precious girl, your mommy wonders just what you would be like right now, as a one and a half year old. I wish I knew, I wish I could picture it in my head, and feel it in my heart. But instead, I found myself clinging to the hope, to the promise, that you are experiencing life to the fullest right now. My baby, you are no longer in pain, and you know nothing of suffering. You have been made whole, and perfect in the arms of our Savior. You are dancing with your friends, in the beauty of Heaven. You are experiencing love, true and real love, from the very author of love.
As your mommy, I wish that I could care for all of your earthly needs. It is a instinct that will never go away. I wish that I could shower you with kisses each morning, comb through your beautiful hair, dress you the most adorable dresses, and read to you ten books before I tuck you into bed. I wish I could hold you when you cry, and soothe away any anxious fears. I wish I could teach you everything I know, and help you to learn new things everyday. I wish I watch you grow up, and see you become a woman of God.  I wish I could have experienced each and every milestone with you throughout the past year and a half.
But as your mommy thought about you this morning,  I realized my tears were not as painful. My heart hurt just a little less. Slowly God had been healing your mommy. He is restoring hope, and light, back into my heart. It feels right to be sad, and especially to miss you. Because my sweet girl, your mommy will forever miss you. I will always have a missing piece of my heart. Yet I know that it is getting easier, one day, one step at a time. God has led me through the last 18 months, and He has helped me walk through each step of grief. Now I can say that I have a genuine smile on my face, because of you. I enjoy each moment of this precious life, because of you. I hold everyone I love a little tighter, because of you. I am a better parent to your brother, because of you. I have a trust and a deeper, more real,relationship with the Lord, because of you. I am different now, in so many ways,  because of you.  Thank you my sweet girl, for teaching me so much. Even today, 18 months after I said goodbye,  you are still teaching me. You are still helping me, and showing me what it means to live life to the fullest. To embrace every moment, and to stand close to the God who never leaves my side.
You are always in my heart, and forever on my mind. I love you so much beautiful girl. Happy 18 months in Heaven. You mommy misses you so deeply, and longs for the day we will be together once again.
I love you my precious Caroline Joy,
Until we meet again,

Mommy

"Our Christian hope is that we're going to love with Christ in a new earth, where there is not only no more death, but where life is what it was always meant to be."
                                                                                                                               -Timothy Keller

"Listen, I tell you a mystery: we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed."         1  Corinthians 15:51-52          

Our Rainbow, Our Gift

It is almost time to meet

our little Noah!

     It is with the greatest joy that we announce the arrival of our rainbow baby, William Noah Mulder! Our hearts are completely full. He has already brought so much joy and healing into our hearts! Noah was born at exactly 5pm on Monday, September 21. We welcomed him into our world with tears, smiles, laughter, and so much love. He weighed 6 lbs. 2 oz. 19.5 inches long. We are so in love!

Every good and perfect GIFT is from above, coming down from the Father.

                                                                                     James 1:17

A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravage of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides the counterbalance of color, energy, and hope.

   
     We are so incredibly thankful for the precious gift that God has given to us. There is not a moment that goes by where I do not stop and ask myself if this is real. I just cannot believe that he is ours, and that we have the blessing and the joy of being able to raise this sweet little boy! We are so blessed!
     I cannot say thank you enough to each and every person who has been praying for us along our journey. We have felt such amazing love and support each step of the way. It has been a difficult journey, and we have not always felt strong or brave. Yet we are so thankful for the love of family and friends, the constant prayers, and above all, the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father. It is only through His strength that we continue to walk one day at a time, one step at a time. As we now walk down a new path, and begin this exciting adventure, we do so with eager and hopeful hearts. We know that God is holding our hands, and guarding our hearts. We continue to take each step forward, trusting in His mighty plan.
     We are so excited to introduce you to our little rainbow baby, Noah! He is already so loved, and so spoiled! We are enjoying each and every moment of being his parents, and we look forward to all the fun that is yet to come.
     We know that his big sister Caroline is watching down over him from Heaven. We can just picture her beautiful smile as we tell her little brother all about her life. She is the best big sister!

     I am sorry that I have been so bad about updating on the blog recently. As we approached Noah's due date life got really busy! But I will continue to post on the blog, so stay tuned! Thank you for taking the time to share in our life! We are truly thankful for each and every one of you.