Noah Update

Our precious rainbow baby is 3 months old! He is 16 weeks on Monday. Where has the time gone? My little boy is growing up so quickly. He is such a blessing to us! We are so grateful, each and every day for God's gift. Little Noah has brought so much healing into our hearts. Each smile brings us such joy. Noah is doing so well. He is always so active, and surprises us each day with his new skills! His little legs rarely stop moving, and he has even rolled over a few times. Noah loves sleeping, and he is so good to his mommy and daddy. He sleeps through the night, and wakes up with a huge smile on his little face. We just can't get enough of him! Noah is quite the talker, and he loves talking to mommy and daddy, and especially his monkey! We have just loved watching him grow. I would like to share a few pictures of our sweet little boy with all of you. I happen to think he is pretty cute, even though I am really biased. ♡

     I know that many of you have been asking why I don't post pictures of Noah on Facebook. Trust me, it isn't because I don't take pictures of him.  I have over 1,000 + pictures of his first three months of life saved on my phone! But I just wanted to share my heart with all of you. On this journey of losing our daughter, I have learned so many things. During the months following the loss of Caroline, I felt so many emotions anytime I was on social media. Anytime I saw a pregnancy announcement, a baby announcement, milestone photo, birthday photo, or just pictures of precious babies in general, I never knew how I would respond. It usually brought me to my knees, in pain, in hurt, in anger, and always in tears. It was so hard to see other people having what I had lost. It was a painful reminder of what I would not have with Caroline. So after many tear filled nights, I decided to take a break from social media. It was such a good decision. During that time I spent more time reading God's word, and praying for the many people who were hurting. It put me in a much better place emotionally, and my heart was not filled with so much jealousy, anger, and pain. That break allowed me to focus on what was most important.
After knowing what it felt like personally, and to read those status updates, when my heart was already broken, I knew that I never wanted to be the cause of more pain for anyone else. There is so much pain, and hurting in this world. I have met so many beautiful and brave women who walk through each day experiencing loss in some form or another. I know from personal experience that I want to be sensitive to those who are hurting. Seeing a picture or announcement can trigger so many emotions, wanted or unwanted. So I have chosen to personally keep any announcements, milestones, and pictures off Facebook.
I do however, want to keep updating my blog. I am so incredibly thankful for all those who have followed our journey. Thank you for standing beside us, through the good and the bad. Thank you for all of the prayers. Thank you for all of your love, encouragement, and support. We are so thankful for all of you! Sending all of my love to each of you!

I would love to share Noah's song with all of you. I listened to this song over and over as he grew inside of me. It holds so much meaning to me. Noah is my hope. Through Noah's life God has restored so much hope into my life. Each time I look into his perfect blue eyes, I feel that hope renewed. I just love this little boy so much. He is such a special blessing!


Hope In Front Of Me
Danny Gokey

I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I might be down but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind

You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I might be down but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

There's a hope still burning
I can feel it rising through the night
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side

You're my hope
You're the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I've got to believe
I still have hope
You are my hope

The Hurt and The Healing.

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it's over now

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide


- The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me


     Why? A question that plagued my mind, over and over this week. Why? Why? Why? It rang out above all other noise.
     Grief. It's a very scary thing. Sometimes it lurks silently, without any indication that it still exists. I have moments where it feels so far away, as though I experienced it in another lifetime. But then, suddenly, without warning, it knocks me to the ground. I feel like I don't know if I am standing, sitting, laying, or even breathing. How is it possible, to go from joy filled bliss, to complete and utter pain, heartbreak, sorrow, and anger?
     These past weeks have been incredibly difficult. My heart has been filled with questions, with anger, and with tears. I feel like I have been transported back, back to the summer after saying goodbye to Caroline. Back to the questions, the wondering, why?  Why did it have to be my daughter? My poor sweet daughter. Why could I, her mother, not protect her, save her? Why are all the hopes, and dreams I have held since I was a little girl, gone, disappeared in just a matter of moments? Why did this happen to us? I don't think I will ever not ask these questions.
     The past 19 months have been filled with healing. Even though I didn't always feel like I was healing. The journey has been so tough, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have learned that grieving is a full time job. It is incredibly  exhausting to grieve. Some days it leaves you on the floor, gasping for breath. But I have also learned that you continue to breathe, even though it's hard. I am still alive. Each and every moment, I have been held, cradled, in the arms of the Lord. Slowly, the healing did take place. Slowly, my heart was pieced back together. Slowly, the tears fell less often. Slowly, I felt the joy return into my life. Slowly, I began to see glimmers of hope, until one day it was shining bright in front of me. Slowly, I felt less pain, and more peace, as I remembered my little girl. Slowly, the pain got easier to handle, and the anger and guilt faded. Slowly, I smiled more, a real heartfelt smile. I owe it, all of it, to the Great Healer. At one time, I wondered if I would ever feel "normal" again. I wondered if life would be the same. The truth is that now,after a year and a half, I haven't gotten back to normal, my life is not the same. But that is just fine with me. I don't want it to be the same. I am changed. Forever different because of Caroline. I am thankful.
     But I did find a "normal", a new normal. I know I have written many times about my new normal. The many ways that Caroline has changed my life. All of those things are different than I ever planned for my life, I never dreamed I would be in this place, right here, right now. But this was God's plan for my life, and I am so thankful for the healing that has taken place.
    So why, why, did I fall backward this week? Why did I take huge steps backward? I had been feeling better, more confident, and happy than I had in a really long time. But now all of those dark feelings that had become as close as a best friend, were there again. Staring at me with a smirk on their faces. They felt normal, yet foreign at the same time. It brought me back to those months of darkness. I realized something, especially this weekend, that grief will never go away. It will forever be a part of my life. It may be less than it was before, and I may know how to handle it better than before, but it will always be there. I never know when that trigger may arise, which allows the grief to flood my heart. This week, as I listened to the radio station I always listen to in the car, I heard over and over the advertisement for a Father Daughter Dance. At one time, this would have brought a smile to my face, as I dreamed of my precious daughter getting dressed up so beautifully, and her daddy smiling from ear to ear as they walked out the door together, for a special night together. Now it brings tears, painful hurting tears, into my eyes. It hurts so much. Josh will never be able to take Caroline on a special date. They will never share those special memories together. That breaks my heart. The grief hits hard in those moments. I turn down the sound, because it hurts too much. Those reminders of what we have lost, will forever be there. I never know what they will do to my fragile emotions.
    This week I heard the song The Hurt and The Healer on the radio. With tears streaming down my face I thanked God. There is so much hurt. There will always be pain. Especially when the grief resurfaces once again. But He is the Healer. In the song it says "here I am, what's left of me, where glory meets my suffering, I'm alive, even though a part of me has died, you take my heart and breathe it back to life, I'll fall into Your arms open wide, when the hurt and the healer collide. As I faced the emotions once again, the disappointment, the anger, and the tears, I know that the hurt and the Healer are going to collide. I know that although I have felt so far from God these weeks, and at times, I even felt mad for the way everything happened, He has been here. A part of me has died, a part that will forever be missing until we are reunited in Heaven. But I know that He has, and will continue to breathe life back into my heart. Each and every day. Even when the bitterness fills my heart, and He feels so far away. I know His arms are open wide, ready for me, waiting for me. What a beautiful promise.
     Tonight has been really tough, the questions are continually filling my head. It really just stinks, feeling like I have taken some huge steps back, even after I have worked so hard to get this far. I feel defeated. I feel exhausted. I miss her. I really truly just miss her. I want so badly to know her, to really know her. I want to know her personality, her smile, her giggles and wiggles. Why? Why? Why?
     So in my pain, and in my hurt, I will be angry,  because it is okay. I will be frustrated, because that is okay too. I will cry, and I will scream, because through it I will heal. I will miss my daughter, my heart. I will miss what could have been, what should have been. And after it all, I will go running into the arms of my Father. The One who has healed me, who continues to heal me. Tonight I pray, "Jesus come and break my fear, awake my heart and take my tears, find Your glory even here, when the hurt and the healer collide."

Thank you Jesus for your forever faithfulness and wide open arms, even when I pull away, and allow the bitterness and pain to fill my heart. Thank you for holding each tear that I cry,  and help me to seek your healing, the only true healing for my broken heart.

   

Loved.

Dear Caroline,
     Today is the day that you would have been a year and a half. 18 months since I last held you in my arms, stared at your beautiful face, and wrapped my finger in your tiny palm. 18 months since we said hello, and goodbye, in nearly the same breath. Oh how that special day lives in your mommy's heart. A day that still stands out so vividly in my mind. It was a day filled with such love, joy, heartbreak, and loss. We knew in our hearts how much we had lost, and yet we rejoiced in all we had been given. That early June morning, we were given the most amazing gift, the cherished moments of meeting our long awaited, much loved baby. Your mommy still remembers whispering into your little ear, as your warm body filled my arms. I remember kissing your soft cheeks. It was a perfect moment, one I had waited for, hoped for, prayed for.
     This morning it hit me, as I sat wide awake in the darkness, that you would be a whole year and a half old today. What that means is very hazy in my mind. You see my sweet girl, you will forever be my baby. That tiny little bundle wrapped so lovingly in your blanket. I cannot picture you running around the Christmas tree, singing and dancing as the lights sparkle in your eyes. I cannot picture you on Christmas morning, unwrapping your gifts with chubby little fingers. I cannot picture you being swept up for a giant welcome hug when your daddy gets home from work. But I do wonder, I wonder every single day. Would you have bright blue eyes like your little brother?  Would your hair still be so dark and curly? Would you love reading books, or dancing around?  Would you have a sweet little smile, that touched everyone you would meet?  My precious girl, your mommy wonders just what you would be like right now, as a one and a half year old. I wish I knew, I wish I could picture it in my head, and feel it in my heart. But instead, I found myself clinging to the hope, to the promise, that you are experiencing life to the fullest right now. My baby, you are no longer in pain, and you know nothing of suffering. You have been made whole, and perfect in the arms of our Savior. You are dancing with your friends, in the beauty of Heaven. You are experiencing love, true and real love, from the very author of love.
As your mommy, I wish that I could care for all of your earthly needs. It is a instinct that will never go away. I wish that I could shower you with kisses each morning, comb through your beautiful hair, dress you the most adorable dresses, and read to you ten books before I tuck you into bed. I wish I could hold you when you cry, and soothe away any anxious fears. I wish I could teach you everything I know, and help you to learn new things everyday. I wish I watch you grow up, and see you become a woman of God.  I wish I could have experienced each and every milestone with you throughout the past year and a half.
But as your mommy thought about you this morning,  I realized my tears were not as painful. My heart hurt just a little less. Slowly God had been healing your mommy. He is restoring hope, and light, back into my heart. It feels right to be sad, and especially to miss you. Because my sweet girl, your mommy will forever miss you. I will always have a missing piece of my heart. Yet I know that it is getting easier, one day, one step at a time. God has led me through the last 18 months, and He has helped me walk through each step of grief. Now I can say that I have a genuine smile on my face, because of you. I enjoy each moment of this precious life, because of you. I hold everyone I love a little tighter, because of you. I am a better parent to your brother, because of you. I have a trust and a deeper, more real,relationship with the Lord, because of you. I am different now, in so many ways,  because of you.  Thank you my sweet girl, for teaching me so much. Even today, 18 months after I said goodbye,  you are still teaching me. You are still helping me, and showing me what it means to live life to the fullest. To embrace every moment, and to stand close to the God who never leaves my side.
You are always in my heart, and forever on my mind. I love you so much beautiful girl. Happy 18 months in Heaven. You mommy misses you so deeply, and longs for the day we will be together once again.
I love you my precious Caroline Joy,
Until we meet again,

Mommy

"Our Christian hope is that we're going to love with Christ in a new earth, where there is not only no more death, but where life is what it was always meant to be."
                                                                                                                               -Timothy Keller

"Listen, I tell you a mystery: we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed."         1  Corinthians 15:51-52          

Our Rainbow, Our Gift

It is almost time to meet

our little Noah!

     It is with the greatest joy that we announce the arrival of our rainbow baby, William Noah Mulder! Our hearts are completely full. He has already brought so much joy and healing into our hearts! Noah was born at exactly 5pm on Monday, September 21. We welcomed him into our world with tears, smiles, laughter, and so much love. He weighed 6 lbs. 2 oz. 19.5 inches long. We are so in love!

Every good and perfect GIFT is from above, coming down from the Father.

                                                                                     James 1:17

A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravage of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides the counterbalance of color, energy, and hope.

   
     We are so incredibly thankful for the precious gift that God has given to us. There is not a moment that goes by where I do not stop and ask myself if this is real. I just cannot believe that he is ours, and that we have the blessing and the joy of being able to raise this sweet little boy! We are so blessed!
     I cannot say thank you enough to each and every person who has been praying for us along our journey. We have felt such amazing love and support each step of the way. It has been a difficult journey, and we have not always felt strong or brave. Yet we are so thankful for the love of family and friends, the constant prayers, and above all, the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father. It is only through His strength that we continue to walk one day at a time, one step at a time. As we now walk down a new path, and begin this exciting adventure, we do so with eager and hopeful hearts. We know that God is holding our hands, and guarding our hearts. We continue to take each step forward, trusting in His mighty plan.
     We are so excited to introduce you to our little rainbow baby, Noah! He is already so loved, and so spoiled! We are enjoying each and every moment of being his parents, and we look forward to all the fun that is yet to come.
     We know that his big sister Caroline is watching down over him from Heaven. We can just picture her beautiful smile as we tell her little brother all about her life. She is the best big sister!

     I am sorry that I have been so bad about updating on the blog recently. As we approached Noah's due date life got really busy! But I will continue to post on the blog, so stay tuned! Thank you for taking the time to share in our life! We are truly thankful for each and every one of you.
    

Noah News- 34 Weeks

34 Weeks

He didn't want to turn his head for us!

Our first glimpse of some hair growing on his little head! 

Cannot wait to see if he has dark hair like his big sister!

     Hello Everyone!

      I apologize for taking such a long time to post an update. Our life has been so busy the last few months. We moved into a new place after selling our house back in June, so we have been busy with moving and settling into a new house. We have also been busy with preparing ourselves for the coming arrival of our sweet little Noah! On top of that, we have been trying to enjoy the beautiful summer that God has given to us! It is amazing at how quickly the time just flies by. I cannot believe that it is almost time to flip the calendar to September already. Where did the summer go? I hope that each and every one of you had a blessed summer! We still have a few more weeks left to enjoy, and hopefully a nice warm and sunny fall!

     I thought that it would be a great time to update everyone on how everything is going with my pregnancy. We are so excited to announce that Noah is still growing healthy and strong with each passing day! It brings such joy to my heart to be able to share that news with everyone. I am so incredibly thankful! Noah is going to be 35 weeks old this coming Wednesday, which also happens to be my birthday! I cannot believe that our little boy is already going to be 35 weeks old, he is going to be here before we know it.

     We had an ultrasound to check on how Noah is growing last Monday, and everything is still looking great. Noah measured about 4 lbs 4 oz. at the ultrasound, and had a very strong heartbeat! I just love hearing that sound! We did notice that he is in the breech position right now, which may pose complications to the possibility of having a VBAC. So we are going to be watching his position closely in the next weeks to see if he has moved at all. My hope is that he will turn so we can still attempt a VBAC, but our ultimate goal is to have Noah born safe and healthy into our arms. So we will choose whatever is best for him. But I am praying that his little body decides to turn in the next couple of weeks, so that we can attempt to birth him naturally. 

     One of the most amazing parts of the ultrasound was when the tech showed us the hair growing on his little head. It is so incredible that an ultrasound can pick that up. But we could clearly see the hair, and now it makes me so excited to find out what he looks like! I cannot wait to see if he has a head full of dark hair just like his big sister Caroline.

     In the past few weeks I have been so blessed with baby showers, to celebrate little Noah! My heart is so full when I think about all of the love and support that is shown to us by so many wonderful people. When I first thought about having a baby shower, it truly scared me. It scared me to prepare and get excited for the arrival of a baby, when there are no guarantees. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to come home to a fully prepared nursery, without a baby in my arms. Yet when I think of this active growing boy inside of me, I realize that he deserves this. I know that as his mom, I want to give him the very best of myself always, and he deserves to have everyone celebrate his precious life! So although it has taken time, and an adjustment in thinking for me, I have felt my heart fill with so much hope as we plan and prepare our house for his arrival! Being able to have a baby shower is such a gift. One that I would have taken for granted before. But now I realize, fully and completely, just how special and wonderful it is to be able to celebrate new life! Here are some pictures of our fun celebrations!

     As we quickly approach the date of Noah's birth, I realize just how much I need to continue to embrace this pregnancy. It is really easy to get caught up in all the preparations for his birth. But I love being pregnant! I love feeling my active little boy moving around all the time! It is the greatest feeling ever! I absolutely love the thought that Noah comes everywhere with me. He is always so close, safe and warm, to my heart. Each time I feel his precious body move, I thank God for the gift of his life. I love spending time each day reading to him, singing to him, and telling him all about the activities of my day. I am trying my best to cherish each and every moment that I have with him so close. One of my favorite things to do each evening, as it starts getting dark outside, is to sit in the glider in Noah's nursery, and read children's books. I imagine my sweet little Caroline looking down from heaven, and my active little Noah listening attentively as I read them stories. It just feels right, and my heart feel full. Both of my babies enjoying quiet time with me at night, moments I will forever cherish. 

     I am also so incredibly excited about meeting this little guy. I am anxiously awaiting the moment when he decides that it is time to make his big entrance into the world! I cannot wait to hold him in my arms, kiss his precious face, and touch every part of his perfect little body. That day is coming so quickly. It truly could come at any moment. Although we are hoping that little Noah decides to continue growing for at least a few more weeks though.
     A huge thank you to everyone who continues to show us such love and support. This road has been far from easy, and filled with so many ups and downs. But we are so thankful for our faithful God, and the wonderful people who continue to surround us in so many prayers. We can truly feel the love and prayers each and every day. Thank you for your thoughts, well wishes, and questions of concern. It all means so much to us! We are so grateful. 
I look forward to sharing more news of our growing little rainbow baby soon!

     Here are a few pictures of my growing belly from the past few weeks! 

  

26 Weeks

26 Weeks

27 Weeks

29 Weeks

30 Weeks

32 Weeks

34 Weeks

Our Gift

     What an incredible gift! This week, I have felt my heart fill once again with deep gratitude. As we enter into our 29th week of this amazing pregnancy, I feel like I need to pinch myself, over and over again. Is this really happening? Are we truly entering into the third and final trimester? Is it really possible that in less than 10 weeks, I could be holding my son in my arms? Can I really keep him, and take him home? It all seems way to good to be true. It seems so close, and yet so far beyond my reach. I want it so badly, I am hoping for it with everything that I have. It is so close I can almost feel him in my arms. And yet I just cannot wrap my arms around it.
     I know I have written this before, but I have always wanted to be a mom. I have dreamed about being a mom since I was a little girl. I would play "house" with my sisters and friends all the time, always with a pretend baby in my arms. Growing up it was always my greatest desire, to have my own children. I just knew that I was going to be a mom someday! When we found out in November of 2013 that we were pregnant with our first child, everything seemed right. I was finally going to become a mom! For those of you who have followed our story, and who know about the journey we have walked since that day, you know that we were not able to take our beloved daughter home. (if you haven't taken the time to read our story please feel free to go back to the posts from the winter of 2014 to read about our precious miracle baby Caroline Joy). Ever since that Tuesday morning in June, being a mom felt so far beyond my reach. I did become a mom that day, the moment I held her tiny body in my arms. I was her mom. I know that I will always be Caroline's mom, and it is such a beautiful gift that I will cherish forever. I am so proud to be her mommy! Yet being a mom to a baby in Heaven is so much different than being a mom to a baby here on earth. All last summer (and every day since), I not only grieved the loss of my precious girl, but I grieved the loss of all those motherly instincts. I wanted desperately, felt every urge and need, to care for my daughter, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But there was nothing that I could do. There was no crying baby who needed her mommy to pick her up and soothe her tears. There was no sleepy smiles to enjoy, no diapers to be changed, and no milk to be fed. It was just me. Only me. I still to this very day, have every desire and need to care for my daughter, those instincts do not disappear. But I have slowly learned over time, that there are other ways that I can fulfill those needs. By honoring my daughter's life, talking about her, sharing her story, donating baby blankets to hospitals, and reaching out to others who are also experiencing the loss of a baby, have all been very healing ways of working through the grief and pain of not being able to mother my daughter here on earth. I am so thankful for all of the ways that these ministries have blessed my life! I truly feel like honoring Caroline's name, and sharing her story, is my calling as her mom. I am so proud to be able to talk about her, to be able to share her life with others, and to be able to bless others because of her life. All of these things have given me a purpose once again, a reason to continue moving forward.
     As I sit here typing these words, I am feeling my sweet little boy kicking and squirming inside. It is the most amazing and wonderful feeling in the whole world! I am reminded once again that I have a sweet, healthy, strong, and rapidly growing little boy inside. What a precious gift! I just stand completely amazed at how I can be the mom to two amazing little babies. I have a beautiful daughter and a sweet son, who have made me into the person that I am today. I am so blessed! There are no words that can adequately express the gratitude that I feel in my heart. This is never how I dreamed that our story would play out, and I would give anything to be able to have Caroline here in my arms today. But I can say with every ounce of my being, that I am so thankful for the precious gifts that God has placed into my life.
     As I anticipate the big date of Noah's arrival in the months to come, it seems so completely surreal. My body and my mind are completely in preparation mode. I have been reading, researching, and planning for bringing him into our home, and having him become a part of our life. Yet my heart is having a very difficult time processing this reality. In so many ways it feels way to good to be true. I do not know what I have ever done to deserve such a gift? I feel so unworthy. Do I really get to take him home? Will I be able to take care of him, like my motherly instincts require? Can I snuggle him, hold him, sing to him, play with him, teach him,  and watch him grow? Will I truly be able to be his mother here on earth? It just seems way too good to be true. So far from my reach.
     Every inch of my heart screams "no", do not let yourself hope, do not prepare, do not get excited. It is a daily struggle. Yet the love that I have for this precious little baby extends far beyond any fears and worries that threaten to hold me back. Even from the first moment when I found out that we were expecting Noah, way back in January, I cherished the gift. I felt so unworthy of being given another chance at becoming a mother. Why would God choose me, why would he allow me to be given the gift of carrying the life of another precious child? Yet even though I felt so undeserving, it led me to be even more grateful. I would fall to my knees daily, in thanks to our God, who had given me the desire of my heart. He chose me to carry this little boy for a reason, and I will live each and every day working hard to be the very best mom that I can be to him. I am grateful beyond words that God has given me this opportunity to be pregnant, to carry this little baby, and to hopefully take him home to love forever. After going through such a great loss, I know that I will never ever take these gifts for granted again. I have and will continue to cherish each and every moment of being pregnant, of being a mom, because it truly is a gift. I am going to live a life of gratitude and thankfulness, praising God for all of His blessings. I am going to love even more deeply, and treasure both of my precious babies forever.
     As the weeks continue to move forward, I am praying for clarity, and that reality will begin to sink in. I am praying that I will begin to allow my heart to wrap around the reality that I may just be able to bring this little guy home. I want so desperately to allow myself to hope, but I know that there are still no guarantees, and that fear continues to hold a strong grip on my heart. But I have slowly been taking steps in the right direction. I am clinging to the hope, the excitement, and the anticipation that continues to grow as the weeks progress. I love the thought of snuggling with this little guy, and seeing what he will look like. I love thinking about bringing him home, and being able to watch him grow. I can just picture Josh holding his tiny perfect body as he sleeps, and me playing with his wiggly body on the floor. I love the thought of us taking him for walks in the stroller, and staying up late into the night just watching him sleep. I am so in love with our precious little Noah already, and because of how much I love him, I just know that I am going to allow myself to continue hoping, to continue growing more and more excited, and to allow myself to dream about the future. Because love is so incredibly powerful. I am so thankful for that love, and that my friends, is truly a great gift from our Heavenly Father.
     Thank you Lord for your precious gifts to us!

I found this quote online and found it really encouraging and helpful.
God truly is faithful, and we can cling to that promise, even when the future
is scary and unclear. When there is uncertainty lurking in the road ahead, we can trust
that our God who has always been faithful, with never let us down.  He will make all things clear
in His perfect time. It is never easy to trust, especially when you have felt heartbreak and pain,
but when we step back and look at all of God's blessings in our lives,we will be able to see His
goodness, graciousness, love, and control in every aspect of our lives.

    


     Here is a little update on our sweet little boy! We had an ultrasound last week to see how everything is progressing. Noah was such a happy little guy in there! He was moving and kicking and squirming around, and he has certainly grown bigger since our last appointment. Last week he weighed 2 pounds, 8 oz. Everything is looking perfect! We were able to see all of his body parts, organs, and even a very well formed spine. The most amazing part is his chubby little cheeks! I am so in love with our little Noah! I cannot wait to hold him in my arms, memorize every perfect detail, and kiss those chubby cheeks. We are praising God for His good and perfect gift to us!

Here is a picture of his little face. Can you see his cubby cheeks?

Look at that perfect foot! I just love feeling those feet kick me often!

If you look closely, you can see his arm and hand in this picture.
He loves to have his hands by his face.