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Friday, December 18, 2015

Loved.

Dear Caroline,
     Today is the day that you would have been a year and a half. 18 months since I last held you in my arms, stared at your beautiful face, and wrapped my finger in your tiny palm. 18 months since we said hello, and goodbye, in nearly the same breath. Oh how that special day lives in your mommy's heart. A day that still stands out so vividly in my mind. It was a day filled with such love, joy, heartbreak, and loss. We knew in our hearts how much we had lost, and yet we rejoiced in all we had been given. That early June morning, we were given the most amazing gift, the cherished moments of meeting our long awaited, much loved baby. Your mommy still remembers whispering into your little ear, as your warm body filled my arms. I remember kissing your soft cheeks. It was a perfect moment, one I had waited for, hoped for, prayed for.
     This morning it hit me, as I sat wide awake in the darkness, that you would be a whole year and a half old today. What that means is very hazy in my mind. You see my sweet girl, you will forever be my baby. That tiny little bundle wrapped so lovingly in your blanket. I cannot picture you running around the Christmas tree, singing and dancing as the lights sparkle in your eyes. I cannot picture you on Christmas morning, unwrapping your gifts with chubby little fingers. I cannot picture you being swept up for a giant welcome hug when your daddy gets home from work. But I do wonder, I wonder every single day. Would you have bright blue eyes like your little brother?  Would your hair still be so dark and curly? Would you love reading books, or dancing around?  Would you have a sweet little smile, that touched everyone you would meet?  My precious girl, your mommy wonders just what you would be like right now, as a one and a half year old. I wish I knew, I wish I could picture it in my head, and feel it in my heart. But instead, I found myself clinging to the hope, to the promise, that you are experiencing life to the fullest right now. My baby, you are no longer in pain, and you know nothing of suffering. You have been made whole, and perfect in the arms of our Savior. You are dancing with your friends, in the beauty of Heaven. You are experiencing love, true and real love, from the very author of love.
As your mommy, I wish that I could care for all of your earthly needs. It is a instinct that will never go away. I wish that I could shower you with kisses each morning, comb through your beautiful hair, dress you the most adorable dresses, and read to you ten books before I tuck you into bed. I wish I could hold you when you cry, and soothe away any anxious fears. I wish I could teach you everything I know, and help you to learn new things everyday. I wish I watch you grow up, and see you become a woman of God.  I wish I could have experienced each and every milestone with you throughout the past year and a half.
But as your mommy thought about you this morning,  I realized my tears were not as painful. My heart hurt just a little less. Slowly God had been healing your mommy. He is restoring hope, and light, back into my heart. It feels right to be sad, and especially to miss you. Because my sweet girl, your mommy will forever miss you. I will always have a missing piece of my heart. Yet I know that it is getting easier, one day, one step at a time. God has led me through the last 18 months, and He has helped me walk through each step of grief. Now I can say that I have a genuine smile on my face, because of you. I enjoy each moment of this precious life, because of you. I hold everyone I love a little tighter, because of you. I am a better parent to your brother, because of you. I have a trust and a deeper, more real,relationship with the Lord, because of you. I am different now, in so many ways,  because of you.  Thank you my sweet girl, for teaching me so much. Even today, 18 months after I said goodbye,  you are still teaching me. You are still helping me, and showing me what it means to live life to the fullest. To embrace every moment, and to stand close to the God who never leaves my side.
You are always in my heart, and forever on my mind. I love you so much beautiful girl. Happy 18 months in Heaven. You mommy misses you so deeply, and longs for the day we will be together once again.
I love you my precious Caroline Joy,
Until we meet again,

Mommy



"Our Christian hope is that we're going to love with Christ in a new earth, where there is not only no more death, but where life is what it was always meant to be."
                                                                                                                               -Timothy Keller

"Listen, I tell you a mystery: we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed."         1  Corinthians 15:51-52