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Monday, June 30, 2014

Silence



                                                          "Be still and know that I am God."
                                                                                       Psalm 46:10


     Quiet. Silent. Hushed. Still. All different words, but all have the same meaning. 
This morning as I walked down the stairs, it laughed at me. The silence was deafening. The only noise I could hear was quiet. So naturally I turned on the TV. I had no intention of watching. In fact, 30 minutes later and I still can not tell you what show is on right now. Because the truth is that I don't even like the morning shows. But I need the noise. I need to have other voices. I need to know I am not the only one alive.  
     We live in a noisy world. A world where we listen to music, watch TV, and talk on our phones almost constantly. We don't like the silence. We avoid it at all costs. Because silence causes us to think, to reflect, to face ourselves. 
     This morning the silence hurt. It reminded me of what I have lost. I would give anything for the sound of my baby's cry. I would do anything to hear that soft breathing sound while my baby sleeps. I would give anything to hear a tiny giggle, or the rhythmic sound of baby hiccups. Noise. Those precious sounds that are music to a mommy's ears. The sounds that remind you of the miracle of life, and  the joy of a happy (or not so happy) little baby. 
     But this morning my house was only quiet. It was a painful reminder yet again. My baby is no longer here on this earth. My baby will never cry, or laugh, or hiccup. My ears will never hear the sweet sound of giggles, or of my baby's first words. There will only be silence. Not even the sound of a morning show TV host can drown out that reality.
     But through the silence, God is teaching me. He is teaching me to cling to His voice. When all else is gone, when I feel like there is nothing left to hold on to, it is His voice that calls out to me through the silence. He reminds me that it is okay to be still. It is okay to sit in the quiet, no matter how painful it may be. Because it is in those moments that He can really speak to us. He speaks to me through my pain and through my heartbreak. He reminds me that He is GOD. I know that He understands my hurt, He knows my pain and my sorrow and my heartbreak. 
     I found this poem last night and it brought tears to my eyes. It wasn't until this morning that I truly realized the truth behind it. So often I have questioned. I have cried out to God and asked why. I don't understand why He would choose me to be the one to hurt and to suffer loss. I hate that I have to go through this, I just want to be normal and happy. I just wanted to carry my baby out of the hospital and into our life forever. But even as I question and wonder why, God comes right next to me and holds me close. He doesn't expect me to go through this alone. He knows just what I am going through, because He too gave up His only son. God knows.

AND GOD SAID
I said, "God, I hurt." 
And God said, "I know." 
I said, "God, I cry a lot." 
And God said,"That is why I gave you tears." 
I said, "God, I am so depressed." 
And God said,"That is why I gave you sunshine." 
I said, "God, life is so hard." 
And God said,"That is why I gave you loved ones." 
I said, "God, my loved one died." 
And God said,"So did mine." 
I said, "God, it is such a loss." 
And God said,"I saw my son nailed to a cross." 
I said, "God, your loved one lives." 
And God said,"So does yours." 
I said, "God, where are they now?" 
And God said,"Mine is on My right and yours is in the Light." 
I said, "God, I hurt." 
And God said,"I know." 

Author: K.C. and Myke Kuzmic



       



Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Broken



     One week ago. It's hard to believe how quickly time moves forward. Most of the time, it is okay, but this week it was completely against my will. I wanted time to stop. I hate it when the sun goes down, because it means another day has past. Another day farther away from my heart. How could it have been seven whole days ago since my little one was tucked safely in my arms? How could it have been seven whole days ago since I was able to kiss my baby's little face? How could it have been seven whole days ago since I combed that soft dark hair for the very last time?
     My heart is completely broken. Nothing feels right. As the days move forward, my arms feel more empty. It was my biggest fear, the pain of empty arms. The place where my baby fit so perfectly for those blessed 30 hours, is now just a memory. I cannot believe my baby is gone.The only thing left to hold in its place is a blanket. A blanket that still reminds me of those two precious little hands that curled up so perfectly. A blanket that reminds me of the beautiful little face which was snuggled up so peacefully. A blanket that still holds the smells of a newborn baby. A blanket that reminds me of the wholeness and the brokeness that made this child mine.
     I would give my life to have those moments back. Just to have one more moment. But that is not how time works. It keeps marching forward, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. Life keeps on going.
     But today I choose to wait. I choose to hold on to each perfect memory. I choose to relive the joys, and embrace the sorrow. I choose to hold that blanket tight as the tears fall. I choose to love my family even more than I ever thought possible. I choose to open my eyes wide for the smallest miracles, those that remind me of my greatest miracle. I choose to cling to the God who is holding my tears, and draws close to the brokenhearted. I choose to stop, ignore the ever moving arms on the clock, and hold on to the beauty and pain that have found the deepest place of my heart. Today I choose to wait.


The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
                                                                                                 Psalm 34:18

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.


I am crying and grieving the loss of my baby, my heart. But it is not without hope.



Sunday, June 22, 2014

With Love




To our dear, sweet baby,

     Words cannot even begin to express the love that your mommy and daddy hold for you in our hearts. Right from the very beginning of your life, we felt such deep love for you. It was a love that held such beautiful hopes and dreams. We couldn't wait to meet you, to see your tiny face, to hold your precious little hands, and to see your eyes gaze up at us in wonder. As the days went by we began to prepare for our new family, a family that would so joyfully include you. We talked about what you would look like and the sound of your cry, we imagined your first smile, your first steps, your first tooth, your first birthday, your first day of school, and your wedding day, and of course all of the great milestones in between. We were filled with such love, such joy, and most of all such excitement to plan for a future with you in our arms.
     Our precious child, you have always been such a miracle to us. Even when the doctor's told us it was hopeless, and that you would not be able to survive, your mommy and your daddy knew there was only one way. We knew that we would love you. We would enjoy each and every moment that we were given with you. And we did. I would sing to you each and every morning as we went to work, I even knew which songs were your favorites by how you would move!  Your mommy taught you how to pump gas, bake cookies, wash dishes, fold laundry, and push a grocery cart. We would talk and sing together while cooking dinner, running errands, and sitting outside on the deck. Every night your daddy would sit right next to me and just hold his hand on my belly and wait for you to move around. We would both smile together as we pictured you wiggling around in there. And Each night we would lay together, just the three of us, and we would read a Bible story. We read to you about Noah, and Jonah, King David, Daniel and the Lions den, and about Jesus feeding the five thousand. Those moments together as a family were the best part of our day.
     My dear baby, even though our time together was too short, I thank God every day for the gift of 35 perfect weeks. During that time you taught me so much. I learned that every moment is special, and that we must cherish even the smallest miracles in life. You taught me how to smile from the bottom of my heart. My baby, you will never know just how much joy you brought to your mommy's life. Each and every day I couldn't help but smile through the tears, just knowing you were so close to my heart.
Most of all my little one, you taught me how to be brave. Your mommy is not strong. In fact, so often I felt so very weak. But just knowing that you were there, so close to me, and fighting each and every day, it made me strong. I needed to fight for you, because you were fighting to meet us. Even into the unknown moments right before you entered into this world, your mommy felt brave because of you. It was your life, the way you fought each and every day to prove to us that you truly are a beautiful miracle, that made your mommy strong.
     That moment your mommy and daddy met you for the first time brings tears to my eyes. You were so perfect. You were so beautiful. You were and will always be our greatest miracle. I remember saying to you in those brief moments"your mommy loves you so much." And I have never meant that more. It is so hard to walk alone now, with empty arms. But my sweet baby I want you to know just how much you were loved. Not only by your mommy and daddy, but by your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and great grandparents and so many more. We are all so very proud of you, and so thankful for the time we spent together. I want you to know the deep love that we have for you here on earth, but most of all I want you to know the love that God has for you. Because he gave you to us as a beautiful gift. And he loves you even more than we can. You my sweet angel are in a beautiful place. Safely wrapped in the arms of Jesus. As much as I ache to hold you close once again, I know that you are held safely in heaven. As much as I would love to kiss your little cheeks just once more, I know that God has placed a loving kiss upon you when he called you home. As much as I would love to see you smile, just once,  I know that you will forever be smiling down on us. My precious baby, I know that I will one day be close to you again. I know that I will once again be able to hold your hand. I know that I will once again be able to kiss your tiny little face. And I know this because one day, your mommy and your daddy will also be called home to heaven. And we look forward to that day with all of our hearts.
     But today and forever, we will thank God for the gift that you are to us. For the strength that you showed each day. For the joy that you brought to our lives. For the tiny movements, and our big smiles. You truly were our greatest miracle. Your mommy and daddy will love you forever. We will cherish each moment that we were given.  And most of all, we will thank God for giving us you, our beautiful gift from above.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Our most precious miracle






     Josh and I are so incredibly honored to introduce you to our sweet baby, who arrived into the world on June 17, 2014. Baby was born at 5:16 am. Josh and I were given the gift of 19 minutes to spend with our baby alive, before he or she was wrapped safely into the arms of Jesus. Our little one was 3 lbs. 5oz. and 10 inches long. Baby was absolutely beautiful, and completely loved on by mom, dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles. It was an incredible blessing to be completely surrounded by our amazing family. We also felt the loving hands of God upon us throughout the entire day, as we were filled with his strength, peace, and love. Josh and I got our perfect miracle early Tuesday morning, and we are so in love with our sweet little baby. Our tiny angel will be loved forever, and will always hold the most precious place in our hearts. 

" In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
                                                                                                                            Romans 8:37-39

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Strength

     Some days a song just speaks straight to the heart. I truly believe that God knows exactly what you need to hear at the perfect moment. I have found that so often, when I am at my weakest, God is able to speak right to me through the words of a song.  
     This afternoon a song started playing on the radio, and of course I turned it up to sing along. I am sure many of you have heard this song already. It has gotten me through some very difficult times already, by lifting my spirits, and reminding me of the sovereignty of God. 

Cornerstone by Hillsong

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord,
Lord of all

When Darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veil

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all
He is Lord
Lord of all

Christ alone
Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,

Faultless stand before the throne.

     These words remind me that my hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' s blood and righteousness.  There is no way that I would be able to walk through life without having a hope that is built upon the sacrifice of our Lord. He gave His life for me. He gave His life for you. God loves us so much that He was willing to allow His only Son to suffer and then die on a cross, in order to give us the hope of eternal life in heaven with Him. God loves us just that much, and so much more! That hope can fill us with the greatest peace, joy, and comfort. If we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we can be assured that we will live forever with Him. 
     In the midst of a world that is filled with chaos, darkness,  and sin, we can be assured of the hope we have in Christ. One day our pain and suffering will go away. One day God will wipe every tear from our eyes. One day we will be reunited with our loved ones who have gone ahead of us. There will be no more sadness. There will be no more crying. There will be no more darkness and sorrow. We will be basking in the glory of God, and praising Him forever! It is such a beautiful hope that we have to look forward to. It is such a beautiful promise. It is such a beautiful reason to keep pressing on in this life. 
     We have no guarantees that we will always be strong. In fact, I have learned now more than ever that it is okay to be weak. Because it is through our weakness that God makes us strong. He can use our weakness to help us rely on Him. He can use our weakness to testify to others of His power and strength! He has already used my life, and the life of my baby to testify to others. But let it be known forever, It is only through His strength that I am made strong. 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Overcomer




     This song has been such an inspiration to me! Not only does it give me the motivation to continue pressing on, but this song seems to also speak directly to my heart. Honestly, my baby has been the greatest overcomer. Every time I hear this song I just turn up the radio and sing it loudly and proudly for my baby. Despite all odds, my baby has continued to fight. Each and every day that my little baby continues to grow, is such a testimony to me of the great power of our God, and the miracle of life. 
     The words to this song are so true....

Overcomer by Mandisa

Staring at a stop sign
Watching people drive by
T Mac on the radio
Got so much on your mind
Nothing's really going right
Looking for a ray of hope

Whatever it is you may be going through
I know He's not gonna let it get the best of you

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight ‘til the final round
You're not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when He reminds You
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer

Everybody's been down
Hit the bottom, hit the ground
Oh, you're not alone
Just take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises
He wants You to know

The same Man, the Great I am
The one who overcame death
Is living inside of You
So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There's nothing He can't do
He's telling You

     I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I drive each morning with my heart heavy, and my mind full. I cannot stop thinking. I cannot shut off my mind. And most of all, I cannot stop the tears from falling. As much as I find hope, peace, and joy in the everyday moments, there are so many times when I am looking for that "ray of hope".  Everything just seems so dark sometimes. I think about all the pain, sorrow, and brokeness that is to come in the future. I think about how I will never be the same person again. I think about all of the hopes and dreams that I have let go. And most of all, I am scared to death of having empty arms. So more often than not, I find myself praying, searching, and crying out for that ray of hope.
     Where else can I turn, but to my Heavenly Father. No matter what I am going through, he is not going to let it get the best of me. No matter how dark, painful, and hopeless it may feel at the moment. The truth behind that statement is that I can be an overcomer, because of my God! Even when I feel like I cannot go on, and I do not want to even get out of bed, my God gives me the strength to search for the hope to keep pressing on. In the deepest and darkest of my moments, I feel an overwhelming sense of His presence. He gives me the strength to keep fighting. He gives me the strength to carry on each day with a smile on my face. He gives me the strength to love deeply, when I feel only heartbreak. He gives me the strength to dry my tears and walk forward into the day.
     This song is not just for me. It can speak to anyone who is going through difficult situations. Everyone has experienced pain, struggles, and sorrow. It is a part of life. It is a reality we all face. But the words to this song can remind us that we are never alone. Let me encourage you to find others to share your pain and sorrow with. We do not have to go through life alone. We can cling to each other. We can cling to a God who is always there. A God who knows what we are feeling, what we are thinking, and how hopeless our situation may seem. No matter how awful life gets, we have a beautiful hope in the promises that God gives to us in His Word.
     This song also reminds me so much of my little fighter. My baby has overcome so many huge obstacles already. No matter what happens in the future, I know that my baby has been fighting to meet me! I know that love can overcome so many hurdles. We have loved this little one since before we even knew he or she was alive.  We have prayed for this little one before we even knew he or she was alive. And I truly believe that real love makes the biggest impact. I pray each and every day that God gives my baby the strength to just keep fighting.
     It is my baby's strength that helps me to continue to press on. This baby has made me stronger. This baby has helped teach me how to love. This baby has given me a reason to smile, despite the pain. This baby has helped me overcome my fear. It is amazing at how such a little life, that I have not even met yet, has the ability to impact my life in a forever way. This baby has changed my life forever.
     Tonight on my way home, as the tears fell down my face, I realized just how grateful I am to be the mommy of this little baby. Ultimately this precious baby belongs to God. It is just a gift to Josh and I. We have already been so blessed with the gift of 8 months to have this baby in our life. As much as I want to hold my baby for the next 80 years,  I know that my baby ultimately belongs to God. The life of my baby is in His capable and mighty hands.
      It kills me to think of the short time we have left. It hurts me so deeply. I don't want the time to be over. I am not ready to meet my baby yet. I want my baby to be safe inside forever. But the end is inevitable. The baby is going to be ready to come out at some point. I wish there was some way I could prepare myself. But I feel so unprepared, and most of all not ready. Most moms at this point are so ready for the pregnancy part to be over. They eagerly anticipate the day they will finally meet their little one. At one time, months ago, that was me. I could not wait for summer to arrive. I had plans to take my baby to the park, to buy a little pool for our backyard, and to take our baby to the cottage. I could hardly wait to begin this new adventure. But now I have to be honest when I ask myself,  how do I get excited about the birth of my baby, when it will likely be the same day my baby dies? How do you ever prepare for the birth and the death of your baby all in the same day? I just don't know. I don't have the answers. I don't think that I ever will.  But that time will come. I must face the reality. And most of all I know that I must cling to God...  
       
                                     The same Man, the Great I am

                                     The one who overcame death

                                      Is living inside of You

                                      So just hold tight, fix your eyes

                                      On the one who holds your life

                                      There's nothing He can't do

                                      He's telling You




Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Blessed Beyond Words




     Four years ago, I was so blessed to be able to walk down the aisle to this man. It is amazing at how quickly the time has gone. We had a beautiful day for our wedding, and I still remember every detail as though it was just yesterday. Everything about our wedding was amazing! On that day we both said our vows to each other, in front of God, our family, and our friends. Those vows are some of the most important words we have ever spoken.   
     Josh and I have not had an easy road, we have learned so much over the past 4 years. We have learned so much about ourselves, and we have also learned so much about each other. Even though it has not been easy, I have been blessed to have such an amazing man to spend the rest of my life with. He had been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my biggest supporter, and most of all my best friend. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband to come home to each night. 
     At our wedding the verse that we chose came from Song of Songs 8:6-7.
 "Place me like a seal over your heart,
    like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
    its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
    like a mighty flame.
 Many waters cannot quench love;
    rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
    all the wealth of one’s house for love,
    it would be utterly scorned."
     Four years ago I never would have thought we would be in this place. I guess I was hoping that by now, or close to now, we would be parents. That we would have a baby to share our love and our life with. But God has shown us again and again that His plans are different from our own plans. He has chosen a different road for us. We know that our lives will never be the same. 
     But reading this verse again today has made me think. How could I have ever known that so early in our marriage, Josh and I would be facing death? It is so very real. It has become even more real for us in the past months. I think everyone knows that death is a reality. At some point we must all face death. It is just a part of life.  But it does not make it any easier. Death is a harsh reality. 
     But this verse that we used on our wedding day is a beautiful reminder that love is stronger than death. Our Lord was able to conquer death forever when he died on the cross, and then rose again 3 days later. His deep and unyielding love for us is so much stronger than the reality of death. Instead we can have the assurance of a life spent forever in the presence of our Heavenly Father. What a promise we can hope for in the shadow of death. 
     We will never be able to fully comprehend the love that God has for his children. It is so deep, so pure, and so true. He loves us unconditionally. Josh and I have experienced this love so closely throughout the past months. God has not only flooded our lives with His love, but He had given us the ability to love each other and to love our baby in the same way. 
     It is amazing at how fast the time has gone, and yet so much has changed since that special day four years ago. I know that my love for Josh had grown so much deeper and stronger. And now here we are very close to becoming parents for the first time, just not in the way that we had ever dreamed. But God has a plan for our marriage and for our family. Right now we will cling to the love that is stronger than death.  We will hold on to each other. We will love our baby with everything we have. And we will thank God each and every day for the love that He has for us.

Happy Anniversary to my amazing husband!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Loved Forever





     My beautiful cousin met with Josh and I on Sunday afternoon to take some amazing maternity pictures for us. I like to call them "love" pictures! I truly believe that Ashleigh was able to capture the pure love that Josh and I have for our little baby. These pictures will be treasured by us forever.  I love the name that she chose for her photography business. "In His Image Photography." What a great reminder that all of us have been created in the image of our Creator God! Even the smallest of babies who have yet to be born. We are all made in the image of God.
     This journey has been so difficult. This journey has brought me through more pain and heartbreak than I ever thought possible.  This journey has been so dark and sad. I have cried so many tears that come straight from a broken heart. But this journey has also filled me with such joy. This journey has filled me with peace that passes all understanding. This journey has filled me with the deepest form of love that I could ever hold for such a small little baby. I cannot even begin to explain the depth of my love for this little baby. I just feel so blessed to be the mommy of such a beautiful miracle!
     God has filled Josh and I with such a great amount of peace and strength.  He has given us a deeper love for each other, and a deeper love for Him. In the midst of such pain and heartbreak, we feel such an incredible amount of love. We are so thankful to have a God who is able to break through absolute darkness, and instead fill that space with joy and love!

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because he first loved us."                                                                                         1 John 4:18-19

 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.                                    John 13:34-35