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Sunday, April 27, 2014

Uncertainty


     I want to stop time. I want to stop the days from coming and going. I want to freeze this moment forever.
     On Tuesday we have made it to 28 weeks. Everything I read tells me that by this point, a baby is able to survive outside of the womb. It will need special medical care, but every part of its body has been formed so beautifully that it is able to live and breathe in the outside world. Normally this news would give such comfort and peace to a mother. Knowing that the precious little life inside is going to be okay. But for me it only makes things harder. I know that the gift of time that I have with my little one is slowly fading away.
     I love being pregnant! It has been everything I had ever dreamed of and more. If I had the opportunity I would love to stay pregnant with this baby forever. To be able to hold it safe and warm inside. While this little baby is inside of me I know that I can help it fight, I can protect it. I can talk to it, read to it, sing to it, feel it move, and just smile knowing that it is growing. I want to protect it forever.
     I do look forward to meeting my baby though. It is just in such a different way than before. I am eager to hold it's tiny fingers, stroke it's silky hair, and kiss it's little face. My arms are more than ready to hold my precious baby. These are the moments I am looking forward to with all of my heart. To watch Josh hold our baby for the first time. To finally discover if we have a son or a daughter. To spend those first moments together as a real family. These are the moments I am looking forward to with all of my heart. 
     But for the time being I am just filled with such anxiety. There is so much unknown about the future. I know that at any moment this little one can decide that it is ready to enter the world. And although I know that all babies make their entrance into the world whenever they are ready, I do not know what that entrance will mean for our baby. I still pray each and every day for God's will to be done in the life of our baby. This could mean that He will perform a miracle, or that we will be given precious moments to spend with our baby alive. I do not know what the future holds, and it is difficult to walk that path of uncertainty. But I still hold onto the hope that no matter what is to come, God is in control. I know that he already has the future set in place, and he knows what we are going to go through. My God has supplied my needs each and every day, and I know that he will continue to provide exactly what we need in the future. Resting in his embrace is the only thing that brings me true comfort as I think about what the future holds.
     When the time comes to meet this little one in the outside world I know that it will be very bittersweet. I will rejoice in the beauty of the precious life God has given to us. I will rejoice in whatever time we are given together. But I am sure there will be other feelings as well. It is all a part of the uncertainty that comes with the future.
     As I have written and said many times, it is easiest to focus on the present. I will not dwell on tomorrow, because today is enough for me. I want to live in the moment. I want to enjoy being pregnant, spending time with my family, spending time with my friends, and looking forward to the warmer weather! In the midst of great uncertainty, God gives me many moments of certainty.  Those wonderful and amazing moments where I am filled with pure joy, knowing they will be memories to hold onto forever.
     
     

Saturday, April 26, 2014

He is Risen!

       This Easter held so much meaning for me. I have realized more deeply than ever that without the resurrection of Jesus, there would be no hope. Because the Lord defeated the grave, we are able to have the hope of a beautiful future in heaven! 
     This year as we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death it  has become very real. It would be very easy to get stuck in the finality of death. But thanks be to God that we can have hope for more than just a final ending. We have a Lord who conquered death once and for all!



Now as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside and said to them,  "We are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death  and will turn him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified. On the third day he will be raised to life!"                                               
                                                                                                                Matthew 20:17-19




Wonderful Adventure


     Last weekend we went on an adventure. We went to Chicago! It was a girls weekend away, and we had a fantastic time. I was able to go with my amazing mom, and my three beautiful sisters. It was so good to get away for a little while and just enjoy life. There has been so much on my mind and heart throughout the past months. It can start to really weigh a person down emotionally and physically. This weekend gave me an opportunity to breathe in the fresh air (or as much fresh air that can be found in Chicago) and just relax with my family. I believe that God wants us to take opportunities to clear our heads, and see things from a new perspective.



     God blessed us with a beautiful day on Saturday to walk around Chicago. And walking is what we did! Together we visited Millennium Park, and even got some fun pictures by The Bean. 


   




 Then we were able to walk by Lake Michigan and see it from a different side. This was the first time I was able to take baby to see Lake Michigan! Although we didn't really hear any waves, baby was for sure able to hear the seagulls. 


    
     There was even a sailboat training class going on for us to watch!



     As we continued our walk we reached Navy Pier. This brought back memories for me because Josh and I went to visit Navy Pier for the day back when we were still dating. It made me realize just how quickly life goes. That day he and I spent there together did not seem very long ago. But in reality it was over 5 years ago! It is amazing to see where God has brought us since then. But I never would have dreamed it back then.

     We had a very crazy cab ride that took us to the zoo. I love going to the zoo, and I was excited to be able to baby there for the first time. I am sure that between all the chatting going on with us girls the baby was able to get the full zoo experience!!!




     As we started our walk back that evening I thanked God for a wonderful day away from what has become my new normal. I have prayed for the strength to remain positive and strong throughout the past months. God has answered by giving me his abounding love, peace, and strength. No matter what he has supplied my needs each day. But sometimes it just gets hard. Some days I just do not want to do anything but cry. Some days it takes every ounce of my strength just to get out of bed. But as time marches on I realize that life is such a gift. This past weekend was such a blessing to me and to baby. We were able to just be normal! Nobody around us knew our situation. We could just enjoy the beautiful day, the wonderful company, and the new sights and sounds around us. I realized that it was really nice for life to be normal for the day. 
            Thank you to my mom and my sisters for taking me and                            baby on a wonderful adventure!


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Thank You!



Thank you!
 
 
     The past couple of months have been so full of ups and downs. I cannot believe we have already made it through 2 months of knowing the path we must walk. This is a journey that we never expected to be walking. But yet I believe with all of my heart that God has led us to this moment. He already knows the past, the present, and the future. God holds everything in his hands. I know that I have made it this far only through his grace. He has kept me safe in his arms, and has given me the strength to continue to press on. I am so grateful for the faith that I have in my Lord, and knowing that he is in control. There is no way that I would be able to go through this journey alone. He has been a constant in the midst of darkness and sorrow. My God has never left me, and I know that as I walk this path into the future, he will continue to hold me and my baby close.
     I also know that I could never go through this journey without the love and support from all of my family and my friends. Today I was filled with such thankfulness, for all of the wonderful people that God has placed in my life. I wish that I could name each and every one of you. Because you have meant the world to me. Please know that everything you do makes each day that much better for me.
     I would like to thank each and every person who has sent us a card. Josh and I have a whole table set up in our living room that is filled with the beautiful cards that have been given to us. Every time that I begin to feel sad and alone, all I have to do is open up one of those cards, and I know that the message is going to speak to my heart. It gives me reassurance that there are so many people thinking about us and praying for us. What a blessing those cards have been to us in the past couple of months. There have been days when I am just feeling really sad, but then I have looked in the mailbox and found a card. Each and every card we have received has spoken to my heart and soul at just the right moment when I needed it the most.
     I would like to thank each and every person who has been reading my blog. Your kind words and comments have inspired me to continue writing. It gives me so much peace to know that my baby's story is being read by so many amazing people. I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful that I am for the time each of you takes to stop and read my posts. To each person who has personally told me how much they love my blog, "Thank you!" I could not continue to update and post without all of the love and support that I have had from all of those who continue to faithfully read each week.
     I would like to thank each and every person who has stopped to ask me how I am doing. I would like to thank each and every person who has given me a hug. I would like to thank each and every person who has given me a phone call, left a message, or sent a text. Every small gesture shows just how much you care about me and my baby. It honestly lifts my spirit! I especially want to thank those who mention my baby, and who ask about how everything is going with the pregnancy. Just hearing those words is such an affirmation of my baby's life. I am always very willing to share our story, and to share how everything is going. I love my baby and I want his or her life to be valued. Thank you to each and every person who has just simply taken the time to show me that they are thinking about me.
     I would like to thank each and every person who has cried with me, listened to me, and prayed with me. Those moments will never be forgotten.
      I would like to thank all of the people who just do the simple things that make such a huge difference. Sometimes all it takes is a warm smile, a comforting hug, or touching my growing belly. Those moments can easily change my day from sad to happy. Just knowing that someone is willing to take a moment to show me that they care is enough.
     I would like to thank each and every person who has shared a song, book, or Bible verse with me. It is amazing at how God is able to work through something that we have read or heard in order to touch the life of another.
     If I could change our situation I would do it in a heartbeat. But I have learned so many valuable lessons already. Going through something like this really makes me see just how many amazing people we have in our lives. There are even people that I do not know who have been praying for us. Please know that all of your prayers make such a difference in our every day life. We can feel the love and support from everyone. It is because of all of you that I feel encouraged and inspired to continue moving forward.
     I would like to end this post by thanking all of the people who have shared our journey with other people. Many of you have been sharing the link to my blog on Facebook, or passing it on to friends and family members by word of mouth. I would like to thank all of you for sharing our story. I know with such confidence that the life of our baby is going to make a difference in many lives. I hope that our journey has already passed on the message that LIFE is valuable. That even the life of a tiny baby has a purpose. Although the future may not always look bright, there is a reason for everything. God has a plan for our miracle baby. Our baby may not have a long life to live here on earth, but I pray that the legacy of our baby will last a lifetime.
     Thank you for all of your prayers, support, love, and encouragement! We will always be so grateful for each and every one of you. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue on this journey.
 
 
The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.
                                                                                                         Numbers 6:24-26
 
 


Saturday, April 12, 2014

Hurt




"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you my victorious right hand."                                                    Isaiah 41:10

     Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day! I am so thankful for the warmer weather and sunshine. I took my class to the park for a little field trip. It was such a nice day that of course a whole bunch of other people were there as well. Mostly parents who were enjoying the day with their children. There were a few little ones who are right now at the same age my baby would be next year at this time. It was fun to watch their joy and happiness while they explored so many fun, new things at the park. Observing this was so bittersweet for me.
     I have always dreamed of being able to take my own children to the park someday. I have such wonderful memories of playing at the park as a young child. This year I was very excited to think that my dream would finally come true. However, yesterday at the park I realized that it may never come true now. I may just be the one watching other people take their children to the park forever. It hurts. 
     Later throughout the day, Josh and I enjoyed so many good memories together. As we were enjoying the sunshine outside it hit me once again to think of what a wonderful life we could have given to our baby. We both have so much to give. We both have hearts so full of love. We both have heads filled with dreams of the things we could all do together. It is so hard to give those up. It hurts.
     I cannot even begin to understand why the future will not hold our dreams. Instead we must learn to let them go. We must give up our dreams of taking this baby to the park. We must give up our dreams of teaching our baby to swim in the lake at our cottage. We must give up our dreams of watching our baby explore the backyard. We must give up our dreams of kissing our baby goodnight. We must give up so many dreams. It hurts.
     In the midst of facing this reality, I have begun to realize that it is okay to be sad and unhappy about the future. Right now it holds so much pain, uncertainty, and darkness. It is very hard to find happiness when I try to envision the future. It feels like we have a very very long journey ahead of us. I do not like to think about the future. I do not want to meet my baby, because it means I will have to also say goodbye. Right now that seems like more than I can bear. It hurts.
     I know that God will bring us happiness in the future. The truth is that I look forward to those brighter days. But I also know that nothing will be the same again. We will never have our first born baby to keep.There will always be a part of my heart that will be missing. I honestly believe that the future will bring a different feeling of happiness to us, because of what we are going through.Experiencing this journey has changed me forever. It hurts.
     Yesterday was such a bittersweet day. I know that my baby loved being at the park, and spending time with daddy at night. Baby was moving and wiggling around all day. It is absolutely impossible to feel sad when my little baby brings me such joy through the tiniest of movements. It gives me so much to be thankful for! I love each of these moments I have with my baby, and the moments we have together as a family. It fills my heart with joy!
     I have learned that I need to focus on each and every moment that I have right now. I cannot fear the future and what it holds. All I can do is enjoy each of the special moments that I am blessed to have with my baby. It fills my heart with joy! 
     Baby and I have experienced so much together already. We have taken many walks together, we have sung songs, read books, played with our dogs, gone grocery shopping, visited baby's grandmas and grandpas, driven through awful snowstorms, gone out for dinner, and even bought a new car with daddy! Each experience becomes more and more important to me as the days pass by. I know that I cannot and will not regret any of the moment that I have been given with my baby. We are making the most of the time that God has given to us. It fills my heart with joy!
     In the midst of all the feelings of sadness and pain, I know that God is filling my heart with joy each day. It seems like even on the worst of days, God is able to break through the darkness with a small glimmer of hope. I know that no matter how difficult and painful this journey is, God has blessed me with the opportunity to be a mom to a beautiful little baby. It is such a gift. It gives me such hope to know that I serve a God who loves me so deeply. He has never left me alone. He has never left me without a glimmer of hope. He always knows exactly what I need to bring back the joy in my heart. 
     I have learned that life hurts. It hurts more than I could have ever dreamed possible. But life is also full of joy and beauty!  We just need to be willing to look for the good moments. We need to be willing to allow ourselves to look for the beauty in the midst of pain. When we are able to look for those things, God will bring them into our lives. Sometimes we will have an abundance of good and beautiful things in our life, and other times it is just enough to keep us going. God knows exactly what we need in each moment. That truth fills my heart with joy!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

What It Means To Be Loved



25 Weeks
 
     It is crazy at how fast the days fly by. When I look back it seems like only days ago when we began this journey. Now we are already past the 6 month point in this pregnancy. Somehow it feels like I have known my baby forever already. It is hard to look back and remember a time when this baby was not such a huge part of my life. Now I cannot go one moment with thinking about the beautiful little baby that is growing bigger each day. I wish that I was able to know if it was a boy or a girl. Honestly, at the very beginning of the pregnancy there was no doubt in my mind that it was a girl. I never doubted that my baby was a girl. But now as we continue along throughout this journey, I cannot honestly say that anymore. Some days I think it is still a little girl, but other days I feel like it may be a little boy. For now we will leave that in the Lord's hands, knowing that it will be in his time that we will find out.
     On Saturday Josh and I were outside doing some yard work. While we were outside we were listening to the radio. One of the songs that was played was a song by Mark Shultz. It is absolutely amazing at how God chooses to play a certain song at just the right moment. Before we began this journey I never would have thought twice about this song. Of course it is a beautiful song, with a wonderful message. But now this song holds so much meaning to me as I think about the life of our precious baby. Here is the link to his song. Mark Shultz- What It Means To Be Loved  Please take a moment to listen to this song, it is worth the time! But just a warning, it will probably bring tears to your eyes.
      This song captures my heart in such a beautiful way. There was never any choice for Josh and I when we found out the news about our baby. We just knew that we were given a gift, and that our baby was a miracle from God. This song causes tears to run down my face, because I know that it is absolutely true. I want to give my baby the world, I want to hold my baby's hand, I want to be my baby's mom for as long as I can, and I want to live every moment until that day comes, I want to show my baby what it means to be loved. This is my prayer each and every day. I do not know how long I will have with my baby. The story in this song is a little bit different than our story. But the message remains true. I will not have a lifetime to show my baby love. I will not be able to hold my baby's hand forever. I will not be able to watch my baby grow up. Everything has changed now that we know we will not have a forever. But from the very first minute that I knew my baby was growing inside, I knew that I would live every moment to show my tiny baby just how much it is loved. And I know that this baby will be loved and remembered forever in our hearts. No matter what the future holds, we will live every moment to show this baby what it means to be loved.
 
What It Means To Be Loved
Mark Shultz
 
For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Getting ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
and could you come in soon
then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
the tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
then turnin' to my wife and he said "what do you wanna do?"
and she said...
I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
and I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved
so we spent each day, watchin' every minute
and prayin' for our baby girl
and I will not forget the way I felt that moment
when she came into this world
but they took her from the room just as soon as she was born
and watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
when a voice inside me said...
I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad
I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
and I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved
And ever since the day
we got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
and there's a boy at the front door waiting just to take her to her high school prom...
and he wants to give her the world
wants to hold her hand
and someday she may get a wedding band
but she's gonna live every moment until that day comes
and we're gonna show her what it means to be loved
Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)
show her what it means to be loved
what it means to be loved

For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Gettin' ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
And could you come in soon
Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

So we spent each day, watchin' every minute
And prayin' for our baby girl
And I will not forget the way I felt that moment
When she came into this world
But they took her from the room just
as soon as she was born
And watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
When a voice inside me said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad
I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I said everyday
we've got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
Oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
And there's a boy at the front door
waiting just to take her to her high
school prom...

And he wants to give her the world
Wants to hold her hand
And someday she may get a wedding band
But she's gunna live every moment until that day comes
And we're gunna show her what it means to be loved

Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)

Show her what it means to be loved
What it means to be loved
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/what-it-means-to-be-loved-lyrics-mark-schultz.html#PDtEESTcoTYT3OiA.99

For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Gettin' ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
And could you come in soon
Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

So we spent each day, watchin' every minute
And prayin' for our baby girl
And I will not forget the way I felt that moment
When she came into this world
But they took her from the room just
as soon as she was born
And watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
When a voice inside me said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad
I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I said everyday
we've got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
Oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
And there's a boy at the front door
waiting just to take her to her high
school prom...

And he wants to give her the world
Wants to hold her hand
And someday she may get a wedding band
But she's gunna live every moment until that day comes
And we're gunna show her what it means to be loved

Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)

Show her what it means to be loved
What it means to be loved
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/what-it-means-to-be-loved-lyrics-mark-schultz.html#PDtEESTcoTYT3OiA.99
For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Gettin' ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
And could you come in soon
Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

So we spent each day, watchin' every minute
And prayin' for our baby girl
And I will not forget the way I felt that moment
When she came into this world
But they took her from the room just
as soon as she was born
And watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
When a voice inside me said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad
I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I said everyday
we've got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
Oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
And there's a boy at the front door
waiting just to take her to her high
school prom...

And he wants to give her the world
Wants to hold her hand
And someday she may get a wedding band
But she's gunna live every moment until that day comes
And we're gunna show her what it means to be loved

Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)

Show her what it means to be loved
What it means to be loved
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/what-it-means-to-be-loved-lyrics-mark-schultz.html#PDtEESTcoTYT3OiA.99
For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Gettin' ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
And could you come in soon
Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

So we spent each day, watchin' every minute
And prayin' for our baby girl
And I will not forget the way I felt that moment
When she came into this world
But they took her from the room just
as soon as she was born
And watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
When a voice inside me said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad
I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I said everyday
we've got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
Oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
And there's a boy at the front door
waiting just to take her to her high
school prom...

And he wants to give her the world
Wants to hold her hand
And someday she may get a wedding band
But she's gunna live every moment until that day comes
And we're gunna show her what it means to be loved

Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)

Show her what it means to be loved
What it means to be loved
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/what-it-means-to-be-loved-lyrics-mark-schultz.html#PDtEESTcoTYT3OiA.99
For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Gettin' ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
And could you come in soon
Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

So we spent each day, watchin' every minute
And prayin' for our baby girl
And I will not forget the way I felt that moment
When she came into this world
But they took her from the room just
as soon as she was born
And watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
When a voice inside me said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad
I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I said everyday
we've got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
Oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
And there's a boy at the front door
waiting just to take her to her high
school prom...

And he wants to give her the world
Wants to hold her hand
And someday she may get a wedding band
But she's gunna live every moment until that day comes
And we're gunna show her what it means to be loved

Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)

Show her what it means to be loved
What it means to be loved
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/what-it-means-to-be-loved-lyrics-mark-schultz.html#PDtEESTcoTYT3OiA.99

For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Gettin' ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
And could you come in soon
Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

So we spent each day, watchin' every minute
And prayin' for our baby girl
And I will not forget the way I felt that moment
When she came into this world
But they took her from the room just
as soon as she was born
And watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
When a voice inside me said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad
I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I said everyday
we've got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
Oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
And there's a boy at the front door
waiting just to take her to her high
school prom...

And he wants to give her the world
Wants to hold her hand
And someday she may get a wedding band
But she's gunna live every moment until that day comes
And we're gunna show her what it means to be loved

Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)

Show her what it means to be loved
What it means to be loved
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/what-it-means-to-be-loved-lyrics-mark-schultz.html#PDtEESTcoTYT3OiA.99
For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Gettin' ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
And could you come in soon
Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

So we spent each day, watchin' every minute
And prayin' for our baby girl
And I will not forget the way I felt that moment
When she came into this world
But they took her from the room just
as soon as she was born
And watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
When a voice inside me said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad
I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I said everyday
we've got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
Oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
And there's a boy at the front door
waiting just to take her to her high
school prom...

And he wants to give her the world
Wants to hold her hand
And someday she may get a wedding band
But she's gunna live every moment until that day comes
And we're gunna show her what it means to be loved

Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)

Show her what it means to be loved
What it means to be loved
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/what-it-means-to-be-loved-lyrics-mark-schultz.html#PDtEESTcoTYT3OiA.99
    

 
 



Saturday, April 5, 2014

Sunshine


     It is amazing to me at how much the sunshine is able to change the whole way that we view the world. Yesterday, despite the fact that it was Friday, was such a sad and gloomy day. I felt exhausted. Not just emotionally exhausted, but physically exhausted as well. It was hard to get myself out of bed and moving. It is easy to focus on the difficult parts of life when you just feel no energy or motivation. I found my smile was lacking yesterday as well. It is hard to be happy when you feel sad on the inside, and the weather completely matches your mood.
     But today is a new day. I woke up with a smile on my face when I saw the sun streaming into my window. Although it did wake me up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning! It is hard to feel sad when the sun streams light back into my life. This morning was a beautiful reminder  of the way God is able to breathe life into our darkness. There are days where I honestly do not want to wake up. There are days when the pain is just too real. There are days when all I want is to go back to the moment before that doctors appointment. There are days when I wonder if I will ever have the strength to carry on. There are days I just want to stop thinking, feeling, and grieving. There are days when I wonder if the sun will ever shine again. There are days when I wonder if I will ever feel normal again. But those days come, and those days go. Somewhere in the midst of all the hurt and darkness, God provides me with just the right amount of strength to get through.
     Strength is an amazing thing. My baby has honestly taught me that I can be strong. My baby has also taught me that it is okay to be weak sometimes too. I do not think that I could be strong without also knowing the truth about my weakness. On my own I am weak. I know that going through a journey like this is not something that I could ever handle on my own. Instead I find my strength in the beauty of the life growing inside of me. Each and every move I feel from my baby gives me the strength I need to smile, laugh, and find joy. My growing belly gives me the strength to know that we made the right decision to continue carrying our baby. My wonderful and amazing husband gives me the strength to keep moving forward. The love and support from both of our families gives me strength to continue on day by day. The prayers from so many people who have absolutely surrounded us in love gives me so much strength. And ultimately, the God who knows exactly what I am going through each day gives me the strength that I need in the midst of my weakness. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 it says " my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This verse has been so significant to me in the past month. I cannot honestly say that my strength comes from myself. I know that I am weak, this journey has taken away so much from who I once was. I know that on my own I could never walk this journey in the same way. But God is able to supply me with the strength that I need.
     Even in the midst of a very sad and dark journey, the sun does shine. I continue to learn that grief and joy walk hand in hand. If I do not allow myself to cry and to grieve and to face the darkness, I would not be able to find joy. It does not mean that I have joy in our situation. If I could change the diagnosis of my baby I would. I would do absolutely anything to take this future away. But I do know that I have found true love and true joy in the life of my baby. I will not regret a moment of the time that I have been given. I will  continue to look for the sun to shine on those dark moments.

     When Jesus spoke to the people he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."        
                                                                                                                             John 8:12

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

24 Weeks!


 
     I am so excited to announce that our baby has officially made it to 24 weeks! It is truly a miracle when I wake up each morning, and know that I have another day to spend with my precious baby. During the past couple of weeks I have noticed that my belly is growing, which means that the baby is also growing bigger each day. The baby's movements from the inside have also started to grow stronger, which brings me so much joy! I am praying that very soon Josh will have the opportunity to feel the baby move from the outside. Each time I feel the baby move I think about the miracle of life. The doctors told us that we probably wouldn't feel the baby move at all. They told us that our baby's legs were unable to move, and therefore we would never be able to feel the baby kicking. But every time I feel those tiny movements I know that our baby is still in there fighting. This baby has been a fighter right from the very start, and continues to prove the doctor's wrong every day that it's little heart continues to beat. Our baby is proving to me each and every day that life is valuable, and that life has a purpose. This baby is such a miraculous gift from God to us!
 
     Today I was reading from the book of Psalms. In the verses I have written out below we see David's prayer to God as an old man. He is looking back over his life and realizes how God has been faithful to him through the good times and the bad times. These verses really spoke to me today as I look back through my life as well. God as always been faithful to me, during the good times and the bad times. David reminds us that life is not easy. Just because we decide to follow Christ does not mean that we will be free from suffering. But in verse 20, David reminds us that we will be restored to life again, and be lifted up from the depths of the earth. What an amazing promise! The final verses bring me such hope in the midst of pain and suffering. Every day I question and wonder why I have been asked to walk this journey. I question why I must give up so many hopes and so many dreams. I question why God is going to take my baby away before I even have an opportunity to get to know him or her. But when I read these verses I am reminded that God is in control. He will restore me to even greater honor, and he will comfort me once again. In verses 22-23 it even says that I will be able to sing once again. I know that right now I feel so much darkness when I think about what is to come. I also know that there is going to be so much heart break, pain, and darkness in the months to come. I am incredibly scared for the future. But I love the beautiful promise that David was once again able to sing praises to God, even after experiencing great suffering and hardship. I am going to cling to this promise as well. I know that one day, I will be able to sing with joy in my heart again. I will be able to proclaim the faithfulness of God through the good times and the bad times. What a testimony it will be.
 
 

Psalms 71
15 I will tell everyone about your righteousness. All day long I will proclaim your saving power, for I am overwhelmed by how much you have done for me. 16 I will praise your mighty deeds, O Sovereign LORD. I will tell everyone that you alone are just and good. 17 O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood, and I have constantly told others about the wonderful things you do. 18 Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, your mighty miracles to all who come after me. 19 Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens. You have done such wonderful things. Who can compare with you, O God? 20 You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. 21 You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again. 22 Then I will praise you with music on the harp, because you are faithful to your promises, O God. I will sing for you with a lyre, O Holy One of Israel. 23 I will shout for joy and sing your praises, for you have redeemed me. 24 I will tell about your righteous deeds all day long, for everyone who tried to hurt me has been shamed and humiliated.