It is amazing to me at how much the sunshine is able to change the whole way that we view the world. Yesterday, despite the fact that it was Friday, was such a sad and gloomy day. I felt exhausted. Not just emotionally exhausted, but physically exhausted as well. It was hard to get myself out of bed and moving. It is easy to focus on the difficult parts of life when you just feel no energy or motivation. I found my smile was lacking yesterday as well. It is hard to be happy when you feel sad on the inside, and the weather completely matches your mood.
But today is a new day. I woke up with a smile on my face when I saw the sun streaming into my window. Although it did wake me up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning! It is hard to feel sad when the sun streams light back into my life. This morning was a beautiful reminder of the way God is able to breathe life into our darkness. There are days where I honestly do not want to wake up. There are days when the pain is just too real. There are days when all I want is to go back to the moment before that doctors appointment. There are days when I wonder if I will ever have the strength to carry on. There are days I just want to stop thinking, feeling, and grieving. There are days when I wonder if the sun will ever shine again. There are days when I wonder if I will ever feel normal again. But those days come, and those days go. Somewhere in the midst of all the hurt and darkness, God provides me with just the right amount of strength to get through.
Strength is an amazing thing. My baby has honestly taught me that I can be strong. My baby has also taught me that it is okay to be weak sometimes too. I do not think that I could be strong without also knowing the truth about my weakness. On my own I am weak. I know that going through a journey like this is not something that I could ever handle on my own. Instead I find my strength in the beauty of the life growing inside of me. Each and every move I feel from my baby gives me the strength I need to smile, laugh, and find joy. My growing belly gives me the strength to know that we made the right decision to continue carrying our baby. My wonderful and amazing husband gives me the strength to keep moving forward. The love and support from both of our families gives me strength to continue on day by day. The prayers from so many people who have absolutely surrounded us in love gives me so much strength. And ultimately, the God who knows exactly what I am going through each day gives me the strength that I need in the midst of my weakness. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 it says " my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This verse has been so significant to me in the past month. I cannot honestly say that my strength comes from myself. I know that I am weak, this journey has taken away so much from who I once was. I know that on my own I could never walk this journey in the same way. But God is able to supply me with the strength that I need.
Even in the midst of a very sad and dark journey, the sun does shine. I continue to learn that grief and joy walk hand in hand. If I do not allow myself to cry and to grieve and to face the darkness, I would not be able to find joy. It does not mean that I have joy in our situation. If I could change the diagnosis of my baby I would. I would do absolutely anything to take this future away. But I do know that I have found true love and true joy in the life of my baby. I will not regret a moment of the time that I have been given. I will continue to look for the sun to shine on those dark moments.
When Jesus spoke to the people he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
John 8:12
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