Hurt

"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you my victorious right hand."                                                    Isaiah 41:10

     Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day! I am so thankful for the warmer weather and sunshine. I took my class to the park for a little field trip. It was such a nice day that of course a whole bunch of other people were there as well. Mostly parents who were enjoying the day with their children. There were a few little ones who are right now at the same age my baby would be next year at this time. It was fun to watch their joy and happiness while they explored so many fun, new things at the park. Observing this was so bittersweet for me.
     I have always dreamed of being able to take my own children to the park someday. I have such wonderful memories of playing at the park as a young child. This year I was very excited to think that my dream would finally come true. However, yesterday at the park I realized that it may never come true now. I may just be the one watching other people take their children to the park forever. It hurts. 
     Later throughout the day, Josh and I enjoyed so many good memories together. As we were enjoying the sunshine outside it hit me once again to think of what a wonderful life we could have given to our baby. We both have so much to give. We both have hearts so full of love. We both have heads filled with dreams of the things we could all do together. It is so hard to give those up. It hurts.
     I cannot even begin to understand why the future will not hold our dreams. Instead we must learn to let them go. We must give up our dreams of taking this baby to the park. We must give up our dreams of teaching our baby to swim in the lake at our cottage. We must give up our dreams of watching our baby explore the backyard. We must give up our dreams of kissing our baby goodnight. We must give up so many dreams. It hurts.
     In the midst of facing this reality, I have begun to realize that it is okay to be sad and unhappy about the future. Right now it holds so much pain, uncertainty, and darkness. It is very hard to find happiness when I try to envision the future. It feels like we have a very very long journey ahead of us. I do not like to think about the future. I do not want to meet my baby, because it means I will have to also say goodbye. Right now that seems like more than I can bear. It hurts.
     I know that God will bring us happiness in the future. The truth is that I look forward to those brighter days. But I also know that nothing will be the same again. We will never have our first born baby to keep.There will always be a part of my heart that will be missing. I honestly believe that the future will bring a different feeling of happiness to us, because of what we are going through.Experiencing this journey has changed me forever. It hurts.
     Yesterday was such a bittersweet day. I know that my baby loved being at the park, and spending time with daddy at night. Baby was moving and wiggling around all day. It is absolutely impossible to feel sad when my little baby brings me such joy through the tiniest of movements. It gives me so much to be thankful for! I love each of these moments I have with my baby, and the moments we have together as a family. It fills my heart with joy!
     I have learned that I need to focus on each and every moment that I have right now. I cannot fear the future and what it holds. All I can do is enjoy each of the special moments that I am blessed to have with my baby. It fills my heart with joy! 
     Baby and I have experienced so much together already. We have taken many walks together, we have sung songs, read books, played with our dogs, gone grocery shopping, visited baby's grandmas and grandpas, driven through awful snowstorms, gone out for dinner, and even bought a new car with daddy! Each experience becomes more and more important to me as the days pass by. I know that I cannot and will not regret any of the moment that I have been given with my baby. We are making the most of the time that God has given to us. It fills my heart with joy!
     In the midst of all the feelings of sadness and pain, I know that God is filling my heart with joy each day. It seems like even on the worst of days, God is able to break through the darkness with a small glimmer of hope. I know that no matter how difficult and painful this journey is, God has blessed me with the opportunity to be a mom to a beautiful little baby. It is such a gift. It gives me such hope to know that I serve a God who loves me so deeply. He has never left me alone. He has never left me without a glimmer of hope. He always knows exactly what I need to bring back the joy in my heart. 
     I have learned that life hurts. It hurts more than I could have ever dreamed possible. But life is also full of joy and beauty!  We just need to be willing to look for the good moments. We need to be willing to allow ourselves to look for the beauty in the midst of pain. When we are able to look for those things, God will bring them into our lives. Sometimes we will have an abundance of good and beautiful things in our life, and other times it is just enough to keep us going. God knows exactly what we need in each moment. That truth fills my heart with joy!