Sunday, April 27, 2014
I want to stop time. I want to stop the days from coming and going. I want to freeze this moment forever.
On Tuesday we have made it to 28 weeks. Everything I read tells me that by this point, a baby is able to survive outside of the womb. It will need special medical care, but every part of its body has been formed so beautifully that it is able to live and breathe in the outside world. Normally this news would give such comfort and peace to a mother. Knowing that the precious little life inside is going to be okay. But for me it only makes things harder. I know that the gift of time that I have with my little one is slowly fading away.
I love being pregnant! It has been everything I had ever dreamed of and more. If I had the opportunity I would love to stay pregnant with this baby forever. To be able to hold it safe and warm inside. While this little baby is inside of me I know that I can help it fight, I can protect it. I can talk to it, read to it, sing to it, feel it move, and just smile knowing that it is growing. I want to protect it forever.
I do look forward to meeting my baby though. It is just in such a different way than before. I am eager to hold it's tiny fingers, stroke it's silky hair, and kiss it's little face. My arms are more than ready to hold my precious baby. These are the moments I am looking forward to with all of my heart. To watch Josh hold our baby for the first time. To finally discover if we have a son or a daughter. To spend those first moments together as a real family. These are the moments I am looking forward to with all of my heart.
But for the time being I am just filled with such anxiety. There is so much unknown about the future. I know that at any moment this little one can decide that it is ready to enter the world. And although I know that all babies make their entrance into the world whenever they are ready, I do not know what that entrance will mean for our baby. I still pray each and every day for God's will to be done in the life of our baby. This could mean that He will perform a miracle, or that we will be given precious moments to spend with our baby alive. I do not know what the future holds, and it is difficult to walk that path of uncertainty. But I still hold onto the hope that no matter what is to come, God is in control. I know that he already has the future set in place, and he knows what we are going to go through. My God has supplied my needs each and every day, and I know that he will continue to provide exactly what we need in the future. Resting in his embrace is the only thing that brings me true comfort as I think about what the future holds.
When the time comes to meet this little one in the outside world I know that it will be very bittersweet. I will rejoice in the beauty of the precious life God has given to us. I will rejoice in whatever time we are given together. But I am sure there will be other feelings as well. It is all a part of the uncertainty that comes with the future.
As I have written and said many times, it is easiest to focus on the present. I will not dwell on tomorrow, because today is enough for me. I want to live in the moment. I want to enjoy being pregnant, spending time with my family, spending time with my friends, and looking forward to the warmer weather! In the midst of great uncertainty, God gives me many moments of certainty. Those wonderful and amazing moments where I am filled with pure joy, knowing they will be memories to hold onto forever.