Tuesday, June 24, 2014
One week ago. It's hard to believe how quickly time moves forward. Most of the time, it is okay, but this week it was completely against my will. I wanted time to stop. I hate it when the sun goes down, because it means another day has past. Another day farther away from my heart. How could it have been seven whole days ago since my little one was tucked safely in my arms? How could it have been seven whole days ago since I was able to kiss my baby's little face? How could it have been seven whole days ago since I combed that soft dark hair for the very last time?
My heart is completely broken. Nothing feels right. As the days move forward, my arms feel more empty. It was my biggest fear, the pain of empty arms. The place where my baby fit so perfectly for those blessed 30 hours, is now just a memory. I cannot believe my baby is gone.The only thing left to hold in its place is a blanket. A blanket that still reminds me of those two precious little hands that curled up so perfectly. A blanket that reminds me of the beautiful little face which was snuggled up so peacefully. A blanket that still holds the smells of a newborn baby. A blanket that reminds me of the wholeness and the brokeness that made this child mine.
I would give my life to have those moments back. Just to have one more moment. But that is not how time works. It keeps marching forward, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. Life keeps on going.
But today I choose to wait. I choose to hold on to each perfect memory. I choose to relive the joys, and embrace the sorrow. I choose to hold that blanket tight as the tears fall. I choose to love my family even more than I ever thought possible. I choose to open my eyes wide for the smallest miracles, those that remind me of my greatest miracle. I choose to cling to the God who is holding my tears, and draws close to the brokenhearted. I choose to stop, ignore the ever moving arms on the clock, and hold on to the beauty and pain that have found the deepest place of my heart. Today I choose to wait.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
An Angel Never Dies
Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.
Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
I am crying and grieving the loss of my baby, my heart. But it is not without hope.