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Monday, June 30, 2014

Silence



                                                          "Be still and know that I am God."
                                                                                       Psalm 46:10


     Quiet. Silent. Hushed. Still. All different words, but all have the same meaning. 
This morning as I walked down the stairs, it laughed at me. The silence was deafening. The only noise I could hear was quiet. So naturally I turned on the TV. I had no intention of watching. In fact, 30 minutes later and I still can not tell you what show is on right now. Because the truth is that I don't even like the morning shows. But I need the noise. I need to have other voices. I need to know I am not the only one alive.  
     We live in a noisy world. A world where we listen to music, watch TV, and talk on our phones almost constantly. We don't like the silence. We avoid it at all costs. Because silence causes us to think, to reflect, to face ourselves. 
     This morning the silence hurt. It reminded me of what I have lost. I would give anything for the sound of my baby's cry. I would do anything to hear that soft breathing sound while my baby sleeps. I would give anything to hear a tiny giggle, or the rhythmic sound of baby hiccups. Noise. Those precious sounds that are music to a mommy's ears. The sounds that remind you of the miracle of life, and  the joy of a happy (or not so happy) little baby. 
     But this morning my house was only quiet. It was a painful reminder yet again. My baby is no longer here on this earth. My baby will never cry, or laugh, or hiccup. My ears will never hear the sweet sound of giggles, or of my baby's first words. There will only be silence. Not even the sound of a morning show TV host can drown out that reality.
     But through the silence, God is teaching me. He is teaching me to cling to His voice. When all else is gone, when I feel like there is nothing left to hold on to, it is His voice that calls out to me through the silence. He reminds me that it is okay to be still. It is okay to sit in the quiet, no matter how painful it may be. Because it is in those moments that He can really speak to us. He speaks to me through my pain and through my heartbreak. He reminds me that He is GOD. I know that He understands my hurt, He knows my pain and my sorrow and my heartbreak. 
     I found this poem last night and it brought tears to my eyes. It wasn't until this morning that I truly realized the truth behind it. So often I have questioned. I have cried out to God and asked why. I don't understand why He would choose me to be the one to hurt and to suffer loss. I hate that I have to go through this, I just want to be normal and happy. I just wanted to carry my baby out of the hospital and into our life forever. But even as I question and wonder why, God comes right next to me and holds me close. He doesn't expect me to go through this alone. He knows just what I am going through, because He too gave up His only son. God knows.

AND GOD SAID
I said, "God, I hurt." 
And God said, "I know." 
I said, "God, I cry a lot." 
And God said,"That is why I gave you tears." 
I said, "God, I am so depressed." 
And God said,"That is why I gave you sunshine." 
I said, "God, life is so hard." 
And God said,"That is why I gave you loved ones." 
I said, "God, my loved one died." 
And God said,"So did mine." 
I said, "God, it is such a loss." 
And God said,"I saw my son nailed to a cross." 
I said, "God, your loved one lives." 
And God said,"So does yours." 
I said, "God, where are they now?" 
And God said,"Mine is on My right and yours is in the Light." 
I said, "God, I hurt." 
And God said,"I know." 

Author: K.C. and Myke Kuzmic



       



2 comments:

  1. Praying for you both, Amalia. Thankful that you are leaning on Jesus during this time ... I know he is present with you at every moment. Thank you for sharing your story so it can be a blessing to others. *hug*

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  2. Praying for you always <3 Thanks for sharing your heart!

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