Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it's over now
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I'll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
- The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me
Why? A question that plagued my mind, over and over this week. Why? Why? Why? It rang out above all other noise.
Grief. It's a very scary thing. Sometimes it lurks silently, without any indication that it still exists. I have moments where it feels so far away, as though I experienced it in another lifetime. But then, suddenly, without warning, it knocks me to the ground. I feel like I don't know if I am standing, sitting, laying, or even breathing. How is it possible, to go from joy filled bliss, to complete and utter pain, heartbreak, sorrow, and anger?
These past weeks have been incredibly difficult. My heart has been filled with questions, with anger, and with tears. I feel like I have been transported back, back to the summer after saying goodbye to Caroline. Back to the questions, the wondering, why? Why did it have to be my daughter? My poor sweet daughter. Why could I, her mother, not protect her, save her? Why are all the hopes, and dreams I have held since I was a little girl, gone, disappeared in just a matter of moments? Why did this happen to us? I don't think I will ever not ask these questions.
The past 19 months have been filled with healing. Even though I didn't always feel like I was healing. The journey has been so tough, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have learned that grieving is a full time job. It is incredibly exhausting to grieve. Some days it leaves you on the floor, gasping for breath. But I have also learned that you continue to breathe, even though it's hard. I am still alive. Each and every moment, I have been held, cradled, in the arms of the Lord. Slowly, the healing did take place. Slowly, my heart was pieced back together. Slowly, the tears fell less often. Slowly, I felt the joy return into my life. Slowly, I began to see glimmers of hope, until one day it was shining bright in front of me. Slowly, I felt less pain, and more peace, as I remembered my little girl. Slowly, the pain got easier to handle, and the anger and guilt faded. Slowly, I smiled more, a real heartfelt smile. I owe it, all of it, to the Great Healer. At one time, I wondered if I would ever feel "normal" again. I wondered if life would be the same. The truth is that now,after a year and a half, I haven't gotten back to normal, my life is not the same. But that is just fine with me. I don't want it to be the same. I am changed. Forever different because of Caroline. I am thankful.
But I did find a "normal", a new normal. I know I have written many times about my new normal. The many ways that Caroline has changed my life. All of those things are different than I ever planned for my life, I never dreamed I would be in this place, right here, right now. But this was God's plan for my life, and I am so thankful for the healing that has taken place.
So why, why, did I fall backward this week? Why did I take huge steps backward? I had been feeling better, more confident, and happy than I had in a really long time. But now all of those dark feelings that had become as close as a best friend, were there again. Staring at me with a smirk on their faces. They felt normal, yet foreign at the same time. It brought me back to those months of darkness. I realized something, especially this weekend, that grief will never go away. It will forever be a part of my life. It may be less than it was before, and I may know how to handle it better than before, but it will always be there. I never know when that trigger may arise, which allows the grief to flood my heart. This week, as I listened to the radio station I always listen to in the car, I heard over and over the advertisement for a Father Daughter Dance. At one time, this would have brought a smile to my face, as I dreamed of my precious daughter getting dressed up so beautifully, and her daddy smiling from ear to ear as they walked out the door together, for a special night together. Now it brings tears, painful hurting tears, into my eyes. It hurts so much. Josh will never be able to take Caroline on a special date. They will never share those special memories together. That breaks my heart. The grief hits hard in those moments. I turn down the sound, because it hurts too much. Those reminders of what we have lost, will forever be there. I never know what they will do to my fragile emotions.
This week I heard the song The Hurt and The Healer on the radio. With tears streaming down my face I thanked God. There is so much hurt. There will always be pain. Especially when the grief resurfaces once again. But He is the Healer. In the song it says "here I am, what's left of me, where glory meets my suffering, I'm alive, even though a part of me has died, you take my heart and breathe it back to life, I'll fall into Your arms open wide, when the hurt and the healer collide. As I faced the emotions once again, the disappointment, the anger, and the tears, I know that the hurt and the Healer are going to collide. I know that although I have felt so far from God these weeks, and at times, I even felt mad for the way everything happened, He has been here. A part of me has died, a part that will forever be missing until we are reunited in Heaven. But I know that He has, and will continue to breathe life back into my heart. Each and every day. Even when the bitterness fills my heart, and He feels so far away. I know His arms are open wide, ready for me, waiting for me. What a beautiful promise.
Tonight has been really tough, the questions are continually filling my head. It really just stinks, feeling like I have taken some huge steps back, even after I have worked so hard to get this far. I feel defeated. I feel exhausted. I miss her. I really truly just miss her. I want so badly to know her, to really know her. I want to know her personality, her smile, her giggles and wiggles. Why? Why? Why?
So in my pain, and in my hurt, I will be angry, because it is okay. I will be frustrated, because that is okay too. I will cry, and I will scream, because through it I will heal. I will miss my daughter, my heart. I will miss what could have been, what should have been. And after it all, I will go running into the arms of my Father. The One who has healed me, who continues to heal me. Tonight I pray, "Jesus come and break my fear, awake my heart and take my tears, find Your glory even here, when the hurt and the healer collide."
Thank you Jesus for your forever faithfulness and wide open arms, even when I pull away, and allow the bitterness and pain to fill my heart. Thank you for holding each tear that I cry, and help me to seek your healing, the only true healing for my broken heart.
