Happy 4th Birthday Caroline Joy

June 17, 2014
5:16am

Happy 4th Birthday my beautiful Caroline Joy!

Today is the day of your birth. The day that we prayed for, and hoped for, yet dreaded so deeply as well. The day of so many many unknowns. I was suppose to have another month with you, safely inside of me. Nothing could have prepared me for that night, when my body betrayed me. When I could feel that it was time. The fear that gripped my heart in that moment was piercing. I will never forget that night. 
 Yet as I look back on that night, 4 years ago, I know that it was right. It was the exact time that God had planned for you. 
In the months before, I had so many questions in my mind. There was so much that we did not know. So much surrounding the day of your birth that was a mystery. Being a planner, it was so very hard for me. I wanted it all to make sense, I wanted to know exactly what to expect. I wanted to know how to prepare my heart, my mind, my body, for what was going to happen. 
As I reflect back this early morning, of that early morning 4 years ago, I wish so much that I could go back to that day. As difficult and painful as it was, I would go through it all over again, a million times, just to see you once again. I would give anything to hold you one more time. I want to feel your soft, baby hair, and feel your little fingers curl around mine. I want to imprint those memories of you on my heart once again. As the time goes on, everything becomes a little less clear. I cling desperately to what I can remember, and I try with all of my might to hold tight to each precious memory, each tiny and perfect feature. But it hurts. Because slowly those memories fade as time marches on. No matter how hard I try and remember. Yet one thing remains my beautiful girl, and that is your mommy's fierce love for you. There in not a moment in the day, when you are not on my heart and mind. You are always a part of me, everywhere that I go. Your birthday, your life, your story, it is all a part of who I am today. You made me a mommy Caroline Joy, on that early Tuesday morning. The love that I felt for you in those moments, has only grown deeper, stronger, more vibrant as the years have come and gone. So much time has gone by, and so much has changed. But my love for you will never, ever, fade. You are my daughter, the one who made me a mom. You changed my life sweet girl, and I am forever grateful.
     
Today is the day you entered into the arms of Jesus. Only 17 minutes after we said hello, it was time for the tears of goodbye. We knew when the doctor placed your perfect, brand new, warm body into my arms, that it was going to be short. We knew that your little body was struggling here on earth. But you held on. You fought for us. You fought for me. You gave your mommy the moment that she had been praying for. The chance to whisper in your ear, that I love you. The chance to tell you how much I wanted you, wished for you, prayed for you. The chance to hold you close, and kiss that sweet cheek. The chance to pray over you. 
And then you could not fight anymore, and it was time. My heart sank as the doctor listened to your heart, and gently told us that you had gone. But in that moment, we felt a peace beyond all understanding. As I held your body in my arms, I knew that our time with you on earth was already over. How quickly it had come and gone. But most of all, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that you were being celebrated and welcomed into Heaven at that exact moment. As much as we celebrated your birth in those moments Caroline Joy, we know that you were celebrated beyond our deepest understanding as you entered into Heaven! Your mommy felt so much peace. You were safe. You were perfect. You were whole. 
Not a day goes by when I do not stop to wonder. To imagine just what Heaven is like. I picture you dancing in fields of fragrant flowers, chasing brilliant colored butterflies, and smiling with dimples that never fade. I picture you wearing a flowing white dress, with long dark curls bouncing along behind you. I picture your tiny chubby hands raised in praise, and your precious face glowing in the Presence of our Savior. 
Your mommy can only imagine sweet girl, what it must be like up there. I can only create pictures in my mind, using my very limited knowledge of what Heaven is truly like. Because I know, that it is so much more. I cannot wait for that day, when the pictures in my head finally become a reality. The day when I will know exactly what it has been like for you over these past four years. I know that the reunion we will have in Heaven, will make all these years of hurting, of longing, and of missing you so very very worth it. That day when all my tears will forever be wiped away. The day when I will no longer feel as though a part of my heart is missing. The day when our family will finally be together again! I so look forward to worshiping and praising our Creator forever with you Caroline Joy! Know that your mommy will be there, with my arms outstretched, ready to give you the biggest of hugs, and then never let you go. 

Happy 4th Birthday Caroline Joy! You are so loved. You are so missed. You are so celebrated. We thank God for you each and every day. Your life has given us so much to live for here on this earth. I thank you for making me into the mommy that I am today. Thank you for teaching me so much, and continuing to teach me each and every day. We celebrate your birthday today with so much love, longing, joy, and tears. We wish you were here. It just does not seem fair, to celebrate without you. But I cling to the hope, to the promise that we have, knowing that you are safe,  you are whole, and you are so loved. Knowing that one day we will celebrate together. For that day, I await with eager anticipation! 

We love you beautiful girl, Happy Birthday!

Until we meet again,

you are loved forever,  Mommy

Joyful Hearts, Eager Anticipation

     It is with the greatest joy in our hearts, that we announce the precious gift of a new life that is promised to our family in this coming year. We are filled with gratitude to our Heavenly Father, for blessing us with a new hope! Lord willing, our 3rd baby will make an entrance into the world at the end of March. 
     This pregnancy has been a precious gift, right from the very start. After waiting patiently, and sometimes impatiently, we were beyond excited to discover a positive pregnancy test in May. Unfortunately, with great sadness and broken hearts, we said good bye only a few days later. Although it was very early in the pregnancy, and we had little time to even process the reality of what it was going to mean for our family, it still hurt. The following weeks were really hard, as I worked through the bitterness and disappointment of that loss. The reality of what I had always taken for granted (the sureness of a positive pregnancy test) was now called into question. I doubted myself, and the ability of my body to be able to carry another pregnancy. It took time, but the healing came. Thanks to my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful that He did not leave my side during those tough days. He gave me strength, when I did not want to be strong. He gave me will power, to continue to be present for my family.  He gave me tears, when I just needed to cry and be sad. He gave me peace, as I put away the "big brother" t-shirt that I had bought for Noah. He gave me restored hope, when I just wanted to give up.
     In the wake of that early loss, I initially gave up the hope of having another pregnancy. It felt so out of my reach. Instead, I prayed that God would help me to put my focus on Him. I found that slowly, I was able to give up the desperate desire to be pregnant again, and to just enjoy the little moments. My heart soaked up those moments, and it was so healing. God taught me so much during that time. I walked through it with much more understanding (for those who have had to say good bye too early), much more gratitude (for the true gift that it is to be able to carry a full term pregnancy), and with a content heart for exactly where God had placed me at that time. 
     It was with much excitement and incredible joy that I once again discovered a positive pregnancy test a couple of months later. I was so scared to let my heart get attached. This time around, I did not allow myself to hope too much right away, I was scared of disappointment once again. Yet, I did begin to pray, immediately, I fell to my knees in prayer for the glimmer of hope that may be the promise of new life. 
     5 days later, 5 pregnancy tests later, I finally allowed myself to believe it may be real. As a family, we rejoiced! I had blood tests, and everything looked great. I praised the Lord with such a grateful heart. I had an ultrasound, at just over 6 weeks, and I saw that perfect, strong heartbeat. There was a baby in there, and it was so tiny,  but it was real, and it was living, and it was beautiful, and it brought me to tears. My heart was so full of thanks. How do I deserve such a great gift?

     
    This pregnancy has been far from easy. In fact, I took for granted just how amazing my first two pregnancies had been. During the first 21 weeks, I suffered from extreme nausea, vomiting, and just plain exhaustion that left me laying on the floor whenever I was at home. Keeping up with a two year old was really tough! There were times I was just so miserable, that I would lay on the floor in tears, wondering if I would ever feel "normal" again. It gave me such a new insight into my body, and just how amazing it truly is, to be able to continue to try and "function", all the while being so incredibly weak that just taking a few steps felt like running a marathon. I am so thankful that God gave me the strength to get through those days, to continue working, to continue caring for my family, and to try and still enjoy the final weeks of summer with my favorite little boy. 
     I am now feeling much much better, compared to those first 21 weeks, as I now have more energy, and can finally eat once again! Wow, you never realize how great it is to be able to eat real food! But this pregnancy is certainly stretching me in ways I never thought possible. My body is certainly not tolerating this pregnancy as well as the first two. But amidst all the body aches, migraines, occasional nausea, and exhaustion, I have never felt more grateful. I love this sweet growing baby more than I ever thought possible. I savor every single kick, and move, and flutter that I am so blessed to feel. I thank God that this little baby is so incredibly active, as it brings so much peace to my heart. God's grace to me through this pregnancy has been such a blessing, as there have been so many reassurances of a healthy and active growing baby. There was a few moments that I never thought that another pregnancy was going to be possible, so I am trying hard to just enjoy each and every moment, with a grateful heart. We are so thankful that so far, our precious baby is growing healthy and strong. Each day, I pray that God will continue to hold and mold this sweet child in His hands. 
     Today we celebrate 27 weeks! We have almost reached the third trimester, and I cannot believe how fast the time is going. Noah is so excited to be a big brother, although I do not think he fully understands what is coming in a few months. But I do know that he is going to be such a great big brother.  I also know that our sweet Caroline is watching over this new little one as well. We are so looking forward to the next few months, of planning and preparing for this little one to arrive into our arms. There are so many prayers being said over this little one already, and we know that he or she is even now, being fearfully and wonderfully formed by our Creator. 

12 Weeks

16 Weeks

20 Weeks

  Our hearts are so full! Even in the midst of darkness, pain, and loss, God has walked beside us. Our journey to becoming parents, having a family, has been far from easy. It has been so much more difficult than I ever could have imagined. My eyes have been opened to a world filled with hopeful hearts, eager anticipation, long and painful waiting, disappointing negatives, devastating loss, heartbreaking diagnosis, and tearful goodbyes. This is a journey that I wish no mother should ever have to walk. But I do know, that God does have a plan. Even in the darkest moments, when you wonder what that plan could ever be. Even in the moments where you wonder if it will ever happen for you. Even in the moments where you could scream so loud it hurts, because you do not want to say that good bye, or accept that reality. Even in the never ending tears. Even in the numbness. Even in the broken moments, when hope feels completely and utterly out of your reach. God Is There. God still loves you. God Is Holding YOU. Do not ever forget that. Cling to Him, even when it feels beyond your grasp. Because He will NEVER let go of YOU, His precious child.