5:16am
Happy 4th Birthday my beautiful Caroline Joy!
Today is the day of your birth. The day that we prayed for, and hoped for, yet dreaded so deeply as well. The day of so many many unknowns. I was suppose to have another month with you, safely inside of me. Nothing could have prepared me for that night, when my body betrayed me. When I could feel that it was time. The fear that gripped my heart in that moment was piercing. I will never forget that night.
Yet as I look back on that night, 4 years ago, I know that it was right. It was the exact time that God had planned for you.
In the months before, I had so many questions in my mind. There was so much that we did not know. So much surrounding the day of your birth that was a mystery. Being a planner, it was so very hard for me. I wanted it all to make sense, I wanted to know exactly what to expect. I wanted to know how to prepare my heart, my mind, my body, for what was going to happen.
As I reflect back this early morning, of that early morning 4 years ago, I wish so much that I could go back to that day. As difficult and painful as it was, I would go through it all over again, a million times, just to see you once again. I would give anything to hold you one more time. I want to feel your soft, baby hair, and feel your little fingers curl around mine. I want to imprint those memories of you on my heart once again. As the time goes on, everything becomes a little less clear. I cling desperately to what I can remember, and I try with all of my might to hold tight to each precious memory, each tiny and perfect feature. But it hurts. Because slowly those memories fade as time marches on. No matter how hard I try and remember. Yet one thing remains my beautiful girl, and that is your mommy's fierce love for you. There in not a moment in the day, when you are not on my heart and mind. You are always a part of me, everywhere that I go. Your birthday, your life, your story, it is all a part of who I am today. You made me a mommy Caroline Joy, on that early Tuesday morning. The love that I felt for you in those moments, has only grown deeper, stronger, more vibrant as the years have come and gone. So much time has gone by, and so much has changed. But my love for you will never, ever, fade. You are my daughter, the one who made me a mom. You changed my life sweet girl, and I am forever grateful.
Today is the day you entered into the arms of Jesus. Only 17 minutes after we said hello, it was time for the tears of goodbye. We knew when the doctor placed your perfect, brand new, warm body into my arms, that it was going to be short. We knew that your little body was struggling here on earth. But you held on. You fought for us. You fought for me. You gave your mommy the moment that she had been praying for. The chance to whisper in your ear, that I love you. The chance to tell you how much I wanted you, wished for you, prayed for you. The chance to hold you close, and kiss that sweet cheek. The chance to pray over you.
And then you could not fight anymore, and it was time. My heart sank as the doctor listened to your heart, and gently told us that you had gone. But in that moment, we felt a peace beyond all understanding. As I held your body in my arms, I knew that our time with you on earth was already over. How quickly it had come and gone. But most of all, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that you were being celebrated and welcomed into Heaven at that exact moment. As much as we celebrated your birth in those moments Caroline Joy, we know that you were celebrated beyond our deepest understanding as you entered into Heaven! Your mommy felt so much peace. You were safe. You were perfect. You were whole. Not a day goes by when I do not stop to wonder. To imagine just what Heaven is like. I picture you dancing in fields of fragrant flowers, chasing brilliant colored butterflies, and smiling with dimples that never fade. I picture you wearing a flowing white dress, with long dark curls bouncing along behind you. I picture your tiny chubby hands raised in praise, and your precious face glowing in the Presence of our Savior.
Your mommy can only imagine sweet girl, what it must be like up there. I can only create pictures in my mind, using my very limited knowledge of what Heaven is truly like. Because I know, that it is so much more. I cannot wait for that day, when the pictures in my head finally become a reality. The day when I will know exactly what it has been like for you over these past four years. I know that the reunion we will have in Heaven, will make all these years of hurting, of longing, and of missing you so very very worth it. That day when all my tears will forever be wiped away. The day when I will no longer feel as though a part of my heart is missing. The day when our family will finally be together again! I so look forward to worshiping and praising our Creator forever with you Caroline Joy! Know that your mommy will be there, with my arms outstretched, ready to give you the biggest of hugs, and then never let you go.
Happy 4th Birthday Caroline Joy! You are so loved. You are so missed. You are so celebrated. We thank God for you each and every day. Your life has given us so much to live for here on this earth. I thank you for making me into the mommy that I am today. Thank you for teaching me so much, and continuing to teach me each and every day. We celebrate your birthday today with so much love, longing, joy, and tears. We wish you were here. It just does not seem fair, to celebrate without you. But I cling to the hope, to the promise that we have, knowing that you are safe, you are whole, and you are so loved. Knowing that one day we will celebrate together. For that day, I await with eager anticipation!
We love you beautiful girl, Happy Birthday!
Until we meet again,
you are loved forever, Mommy
