Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Love So Deep
It still amazes me at how the world moves forward each day. Without fail, people get up, get ready, and begin to accomplish the tasks at hand. People drive to work, kids ride the bus to school, and people move about their daily lives. Yesterday on my way home from work, I had a moment of clarity. These moments are few and far in between lately, so I was sure to take some time to reflect on it.
It is hard to believe that people move forward with their lives. When Caroline took her final breath, in so many ways I felt like it was my final breath as well. My life changed the moment I realized that I would not be able to share life with my daughter here on this earth. In so many ways, my life stopped.
But yet as I lay here in bed, the minutes continue to tick forward on my alarm clock. Without fail the numbers continue to count us forward through the day. As much as I just want time to stop, and to be able to lay in the darkness for just one minute longer, I know that I too must continue to move forward.
I knew in my heart that this road would not be easy. I knew that it would be terribly difficult. But nothing, and I truly mean nothing, could have prepared me for the heartbreaking pain that I feel in each moment of the day. The pain that keeps me up at night. The pain that keeps my eyes wide open in the early mornings. The pain that brings tears to my eyes as I try and get myself ready for the day. How am I going to move forward without my daughter? She was everything to me, and now she is gone. All I have left are the precious memories, and a broken heart.
But deep inside I know that I have more. I have a heart that can still love. I have a heart that beats with the deepest of love for a baby who changed my life. I never knew that it was possible to love someone so deeply and so purely. That is why it hurts so much. That is why I cry more than I ever thought possible. That is why I struggle to breathe. That is why I feel so lost. But that is also why I keep moving forward.
No matter how much pain I feel in these moments, she is worth it. I would willingly suffer through the heartbreaking pain each day, because I was able to know her. When I feel so sad, and when it hurts more than I can stand, I think about why it hurts in the first place. It is because I chose to love. I love my little Caroline with everything I have, and then some. I would never trade that love for all the world.
So here we are back to the swiftly ticking clock. The flashing red numbers are telling me to get up, it is time to start the day. But just because my feet hit the floor, does not mean she leaves my mind. In fact, I carry her memory and love deep inside my heart and mind at each moment of the day. My love for her only grows stronger, the longer we are apart. Even though ten weeks have gone by since I said hello and goodbye to my precious girl, it feels like no time at all. In some ways my heart will forever be stopped at that same moment I had to say goodbye. But yet as my love grows stronger, I realize what a gift she has been. I thank God for giving me the chance to love her. I thank God for giving me the chance to hold her in my arms, and to whisper in her ear. I thank God for the sleepless nights, and the tear filled mornings. I thank God for the sadness and the pain. Because it all means that I have loved. He placed that love in my heart, and for that I am beyond grateful. For I would rather have loved and lost, than to never have loved in the first place.