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Thursday, August 28, 2014

My Birthday Without You

Dear Caroline,

     Today was so hard. One of the hardest days of my life. It was a day I wanted to forget. A day where I wanted to stay in bed, and not feel anything. I wanted to lay in the darkness, and just feel sad. But I couldn't do it. I knew that it was just another day, another day of pretending. A day where I smiled, and I laughed. But deep inside, all I felt was sadness. All I felt was pain. All I felt was empty arms. Today was my birthday, but I had no reason to celebrate.
     How could I celebrate my birthday, when we would never celebrate yours? How could I celebrate my 27 years, when you didn't even get one? How could I celebrate all that I have accomplished, when all I really want is to be your mom?
     This afternoon, the clouds were dark and heavy. The skies were grey, and the wind blew strong. As I walked through the wet grass, I saw your special place. That small rectangle of dug up grass, where your body now lays. Today I brought you the only thing I can truly give. A silver and pink pinwheel, and some bright pink roses. I wanted to share this day with you sweet girl. I wanted to celebrate my birthday with you. So I sang, as the wet ground soaked through my pants. I sang through my tears. I sang our songs, as I pictured your beautiful face. I sang happy birthday, but not for me. It was for you my Caroline. It was for all the birthdays we will never celebrate together.
     The wind blew strong as the storms blew closer overhead. It just seemed so very fitting. Sitting there in the cemetery I felt like a storm was raging inside. I never felt a pain so great. I never felt tears so deep. But Caroline, in that moment, as I watched your pinwheel spin endlessly, I thought about you. I pictured those beautiful blue eyes watching me from above. Then I made a decision. A hard and difficult decision. I decided that since you were watching me from heaven, I wanted, no I needed to make you proud. I needed you to see how much your mommy loves you. So I smiled. I smiled through the tears. I smiled through the pain. I smiled through the storm that continued to rage inside. I smiled a real, true smile for the first time that day. My smile came from you sweet baby. It came from all those beautiful memories I have with you. It came from the joy that your short life brought to mine. But most of all, it came from the love that I hold so deeply within my heart.
     My birthday never really got much better. The storm still raged deep inside. The pain still clung to my very soul. The tears continued to fall. But in that moment, I knew that I had to celebrate for you. I had to make you proud. I had be happy, because I know that is what you would have wanted.
     Caroline, my life is never going to be the same. Each special occasion is so hard, because you are suppose to be here to celebrate with us. In this moment, I don't know how I will make it through. I don't how I am ever going to survive the holidays that are looming ahead. But I do know one thing my precious girl,  I know that the God who is now holding you in His mighty hands, will also hold your mommy in His hands. He had been so faithful to me throughout my whole life. I do not doubt that He will be faithful to me now, and in the days to come. All I can do for now is cling to His promises, and know that He is not going to let me walk into these moments alone.
     Caroline I missed you so much today. Words cannot even begin to say how much I wanted to have you here with me on my birthday. I wanted to rip up the dirt, if only to hold you in my arms once more. But through the pain,  I know you were there. Your sweet smile was there beside me. Thank you for being my greatest present. The present I can hold in my heart forever. I love you my princess. My heart beats with love for you each moment of the day.

     Till we meet again,

You are loved forever my angel.

     Your mommy

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