Saturday, January 17, 2015
Happy seven months in Heaven sweet girl.
Where has the time gone? Can it really be seven months ago that we were holding you in our arms? Can it really be seven months ago that you were so very real? It has been seven months since my heart felt complete. Seven months since I felt, truly felt, like I was a mom. Seven months since I have felt needed, as though I had a real purpose.
This morning as I sit watching the flicker of your candle in the darkness, I am surrounded by memories. It scares me when I think about how those memories seem so far away. Almost like that day was only a dream. The best dream ever! Yet we know that all dreams must come to an end. Dreams do not last forever, and so that dream ended so suddenly, that moment when your daddy and I knew for sure, that we were alone. That moment sweet girl was the hardest moment of our lives. As we looked at each other, and at the empty crib sitting beside my hospital bed, we both had tears streaming down our faces. It was not suppose to be this way. We were suppose to be changing you, feeding you, getting you all ready for the big and exciting trip home. You were suppose to be ours, to take home, to love, to teach, to cherish, to enjoy. But as we sat together on that bed, we did not know what to say. We both felt so broken. We both felt so lost. We both felt the reality that you were really gone.
This morning I realize how far we have come since that painful day at the hospital. We did manage to make that trip back home, alone. We did manage to walk back into our house for the first time, just the two of us. We did manage to sleep that night back in our own bed, in silence. We did manage to wake up the next morning, and the next, and the next. We did manage to wade through the deepest moments of grief as the summer sun rose and set each day. We did manage to walk closer in our relationship together, relying on each other for strength and support. We did manage to find moments where genuine smiles touched our faces. We did manage to cry more tears than we ever thought possible, and then we cried some more. We did manage to find small glimmers of hope, even though the sadness seems to last forever. We did all of these things only by the grace of God. He has carried us, in His tender loving arms, through the valley of the shadow of death. He has walked beside us in moments of joy, in moments of hopelessness, in moments of complete and utter despair. He has carried us in moments of pain and sadness. He has never let us go, even though there were, and are, moments when I wondered.
Caroline, I wish that I could tell you that your mommy is strong. But that is not always true. Last night, as my heart was completely shattered by yet another disappointment, I wondered if life is ever going to be okay again. I want to hope that God has great plans for us, that He truly wants us to be happy. But somewhere deep inside is that voice telling me that it hurts too much to let yourself hope. It hurts too much to allow yourself to want something so badly, when you know it just may be beyond your reach. Oh how I wish that today my eyes were filled with happy tears, as I watched you take your first shaky step, or saw you smile at me. But the reality is that my eyes are filled with tears of sadness today, as I realize all that I have missed. My eyes are filled with tears of sadness, as I realize that once again my hopes have been crushed. My heart wonders sometimes if the weight is ever going to be lifted. I wonder if those moments of freedom will ever become more frequent than the moments of pain. I wish that I was stronger Caroline, that I could just put my trust completely in the One who will never ever let me go. But somehow I find that it is a daily struggle. It is not easy to trust, when you have lost so much. When you know that trusting does not always bring happiness. Sometimes when you trust, it leads you to more heartbreak and pain. But what your life has taught me is that trust, real trust, comes from a surrendered heart. A heart that realizes that we are simply human, and that we do fail. A heart that realizes that life is not always going to be a walk in the sunny park. There are days where it rains, and days when it snows, and days when the clouds are so thick we wonder if we will ever see the sun shine through. There are days when we lay on the floor in hopeless tears, wondering why. But when we cling to God and His promises on those dark days, we will be even more equipped and ready to cling to Him on the bright and sunny days. Trust is putting everything in God's hands, even when it could lead to sorrow and pain. Trust is putting everything in God's hands, even when it could lead to joy and happiness.
My sweet girl, I pray that today you know just how much your mommy loves you. I wish so badly that I could just scoop you up in my arms right now, and hold you close, and breathe in your perfect baby scent, and whisper in your ear how much I love you. I wish that I could kiss your precious cheek, and watch your tiny fingers curl around my hand. I wish that I could stroke your soft dark hair, and gaze into those beautiful little eyes. I wish that I could hear you making noises, and see your chest rise and fall as you laugh. I wish that I could see your daddy holding you in his arms, and watch him fall more in love with you each day. I wish that I could dress you up in the most adorable little dresses, and buy you tiny shoes. I wish that my life revolved around your unpredictable schedule. Oh Caroline, if you only knew how much I would give for even just one more moment with you. One more moment to simply show you the depth of my love. But today and everyday, I pray that God would show you my love. I pray that He holds you tight, and that you get an extra special hug. I know that in Heaven you are able to experience love, true love, firsthand. You are able to know exactly what it feels like to be loved unconditionally, and without abandon. You feel that perfect love each and every moment!
My beautiful girl, I do not know what the future holds. I find myself so often trying to figure out the future. I want to plan what is to come, and how everything is going to unfold. Yet I am reminded over and over, that the future, that tomorrow, is beyond my control. I do not need to worry about the grief, the pain, the joy, the happiness, or the sadness that will come with tomorrow. Instead I need to focus on today. I need to remember that God gave me today. He gave me today to remember you! He gave me today to thank Him for the good, and to trust Him with the bad. He gave me the blessing of His Presence, and that is enough. So today sweet girl, I am going to spend the day thanking God for the beauty of your life. I am going to thank Him for the miracle that you are to us. I am going to thank Him for the time we were given to enjoy you. I am going to thank Him for holding me close when I miss you so much. I am going to thank Him for your daddy, and for the amazing man that he is. I am going to thank Him for all of the beautiful people that he has placed in my life. I am going to thank Him for His Presence at every moment of my life.
Caroline, I love to write your name. It always brings a smile to my face. I hope you know how much I love you. You are so loved my precious girl. You are loved! Never forget that. We will love you all of our days on earth, and we look forward to the moment when we can once again be together in Heaven. I rejoice in the thought of our family once again being made whole, and the joy that I will feel in being able to show you how much I love you for eternity!
Until we meet again,
This morning I read from Jesus Calling, and it truly touched my heart. I wanted to share it with you today.
Come to me with a thankful heart so that you can enjoy My Presence. This is the day that I have made. I want you to rejoice today, refusing to worry about tomorrow. Search for all that I have prepared for you, anticipating abundant blessing and accepting difficulties as they come. I can weave miracles into the most mundane day if you keep your focus on Me.
Come to Me with all your needs, knowing that My glorious riches are a more-than-adequate supply. Stay in continual communication with Me so that you can live above your circumstances even while you are in the midst of them. Present you requests to Me with thanksgiving, and My Peace, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and mind.