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Sunday, May 17, 2015

Dear Caroline...today is 11months

    Dear Caroline,

  Happy 11 months in Heaven my sweet girl. I miss you so much today, and every day in between.  My heart has been heavy, and my arms desperately ache for you. There is an emptiness that just never goes away.  I cannot believe you have been gone for 11 months. 

     This whole week I have truthfully been dreading this day. I have been an emotional mess leading up to today. It scares me so deeply to realize you have been gone for 11 months, and that we are nearing what should have been your much celebrated first birthday. 
     Yet tonight as I took a walk down the dimly lit street, I thought about you. I realized that this weekend has been filled with joy, despite the heartbreaking pain. One year ago today, I had no idea of what was to come in the future. There was so much uncertainty regarding your birth, and what was going to happen afterward. We were so out of control. I remember how afraid I was for the future ahead, and how I hated being out of control.  Yet it also challenged me as well. I learned that since I had no control,  I could only focus on the moment. I had no way of knowing that exactly one month later, you would be born. I had no way of knowing what was even going to happen at your birth, and even though it was incredibly difficult not knowing, I am so thankful. I now know that on this day one year ago, we only had four more precious weeks with you. Before we had to say goodbye. 
     But there will never be any regrets in my heart for the precious time we had together. I remember sitting in the sand one year ago, with the cool breeze on my face, telling you all about the beauty surrounding us. I remember singing to you, as we heard the waves crash onto the beach. I remember smiling at the birds flying above us, and enjoying the peaceful moment together with you. There was such beauty in that moment, cherishing the joy of having you inside of me. Knowing that even though I could not guarantee what was to come in the future, I could be thankful for that moment. 
     God gave us so many special moments. They were not always filled with such joy and peace and happiness, but they were always special, because they were with you. There is something about being completely out of control that allows you to stop, and to refocus. Because of you my precious girl, you mommy has learned the importance of slowing down. I have learned that I need to be thankful for each moment, and take the time to cherish all of the blessings that God has placed in my life. Before I was always rushing, keeping myself busy, busy, busy. Now that I have learned about the joy and the peace that comes from a quiet heart, I know that I will always be thankful. I will always be thankful for what you have taught me Caroline, and for all of the precious moments we shared. I will always hold them deep in my heart, and I know they will bring a smile to my face, even in the dark moments. 
     Now as we await the arrival of your little brother, your mommy once again has so many fears. Each day brings new anxiety and worry. It is a constant reminder that I am once again completely out of control. But because of you my sweet girl, I choose to embrace every moment. I choose to look for the little blessings, and to focus my eyes on the beauty of the world surrounding us. I choose to thank God for the joy that comes from a quiet heart. Even though it is so scary to once again be entrusting everything into God's hands, I know He is faithful.  He will never leave us alone. 
     Today I sat with my feet in the same sand that I did last year. My memory of the time I spent with you was so vivid in my mind.  In so many ways, I wished that I could have been back to that moment once again. Feeling your tiny body moving inside. But today I told your brother Noah all about you as we sat on that beach. It was so beautiful, just as it was a year ago! It made me miss you deeply, but it made me feel closer to you at the same time. 
     So today as I think about you, remember you, miss you, and love you, I am also so thankful for you. I am so proud to be your mommy,and know that I always will be. You will forever be my heart sweet girl. Thank you for teaching me about embracing each moment, and finding joy in the little blessings. I will always be grateful. 
     It is with tears that I sweetly whisper "I love you" tonight,  as I wish I was holding you in my arms. But know that your mommy will always love you, more deeply with each passing day.  I miss you precious Caroline, more than words will ever say.
            Until we meet again.... 

          Holding you close in my heart forever. 
                                Mommy

  

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