Happy 3rd Birthday!!! What a very special day that we can celebrate a very special little girl! Your mommy cannot believe that we are celebrating your third birthday today. Oh my sweet girl, it feels like just yesterday that I was holding you in my arms. Whispering my love into your tiny ears, and feeling your silky hair on my fingers. It feels like just yesterday, when we said hello and good bye in one eternal breath. Now here we are, three years later, celebrating your life, and the love that we have for you, always.
Last night was full of tears, as I thought back to that night before your birth. I relived each and every detail of those moments, when I was still holding you safely inside. I missed you deeply last night, with each and every breath that I took, wishing with all of my heart that you could come back into my arms once again. I would give anything for just one more minute with you. Oh how much I miss you. How much my heart longs to feel whole again. How much my arms ache to feel full, with a weight that only you can fill. How much I want to celebrate this day, and every day, with you here beside us. How much I wish for the silence to be filled with your little voice, and your squeals of laughter. How much I want to discover who you are, what you would look like, and who your friends would be. How much I wish to see you love on your little brother, and be there as you grow up together. How much I wish I could see the special bond that you would share with your daddy. How much my mommy heart hurts for all of those things, and so much more.
But. Joy comes in the morning! As I awoke at 5am this morning, I watched the clock move slowly to the time of your birth. Those precious minutes when your daddy and I met you for the first time. And as I watched those minutes tick by, I smiled. I actually smiled. Your life, your gentle entrance into this world, and the peace filled moment when you slipped away, and went straight into the arms of our Heavenly Father, were so beautiful. It leaves me filled with pride, that I get to be your mom. This year, the hurt is a little less, and the joy is a little more. This morning, as I rejoiced in that moment when I first became a mom, it felt so good. I felt light, and happy, really truly happy. It does not mean that I miss you any less, or that the hole I have in my heart has gotten any smaller. It never will. Yet today I felt thankful, and joyful, and hopeful. God is so good! He has blessed me, over and over and over again. He is good to me. He is good to our family. He is good to you. Three years ago was the best and the worst day of my life. And I am forever changed because of that day. Because of you.
I think of you, each moment of each day. Wishing that I could just look down at my belly once again, and feel you growing inside of me. This week, I am so thankful for the warm summer sunshine, when Noah and I could go and visit your special place. We picked out a pink pinwheel, just for you. As we watched it spin in the gentle breeze, I told your little brother all about you. We talked about what you looked like, how much we miss you, and all of the things we dream you might be doing in Heaven. What a joy to watch your little brother's eyes light up when he hears your name. What a joy that each night, as we sing Jesus Loves Me, Noah cuddles up in my arms, and I have a moment to picture both of my babies, who are so loved by Jesus. What a joy to know that I am a mommy to two beautiful babies, that I love with all of my heart.
My sweet girl, as much as I wish with all of my heart that you were here on your birthday, and that we could celebrate with you here in our arms. I rejoice in knowing that you are safe, loved, and held in Heaven. Your mommy looks so forward to that day, when we will be reunited forever in Heaven. The day when there will be no more tears, and when every knee will bow in worship. The day when I will meet our Savior, face to face. The day when our family will once again be whole, and my heart will no longer feel the missing piece that only you can fill. The day when we will be together forever. The day when there will be no more death, no more sorrow, no more pain, and no more fear. Oh I look forward to that day with all of my heart! I rejoice in the promise that this life is just a short amount of time, compared to the eternity we will spend together in Heaven. What a glorious day that will be! Your mommy looks forward to that day with all of her heart!
So today, we will celebrate your life with joy, and remember you with tears and smiles. We will miss you beyond what words can express. We will praise God for your life, and that we were given such precious time with you. We will cling to the promise of that glorious day, which is yet to come.
Happy 3rd Birthday my Caroline Joy! Your mommy will celebrate today with tears, and love, and joy in my heart. Your mommy will miss you, and long for you with each breath that I take. Your mommy promises to continue to speak your name, share your story, and continue to live a life that would make you proud.
Today I pray that you would know just how much that I love you, and that you would know how much your family wishes that you were here with us, to celebrate your three years of life. We miss you always, and love you deeply. Happy Birthday to you my sweet girl, mommy loves you from the very bottom of my heart.
Until we meet again,
with all of my love, tears, and heart,