If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.
One of my greatest struggles each day is the complete and utter feeling of helplessness. I try and go about my day, to make it as normal as I possibly can. But no matter how hard I try, there is always something missing.
Yesterday I came home from church to a very quiet house. Josh was contentedly playing a video game, in the darkness. He was not hungry, I was not hungry, there was no need to make lunch. I looked around for a moment, completely lost. What was there for me to do?There was nothing, absolutely nothing to give me a purpose. Josh told me that it was okay, to enjoy the peace and quiet that I have right now. But instead I made my way up the stairs, and then I cried, until there were no tears left. Then I just laid there, my body hurt too much to move. As I closed my eyes and tried to shut out the pain, I realized exactly why I was so very upset.
I did not get to come home to my baby. Instead of feeling wanted or needed, I just felt alone. Part of being a mom is having that sense of purpose for your life. A newborn baby relies on you, it's mom, to care for its every need. A baby cannot get up and walk to the fridge to find a snack. A baby cannot sit on the toilet to go to the bathroom. A baby cannot take a bath alone or even move alone. Being a mom requires you to give of yourself completely, to care for all the needs of your helpless infant. That is what I miss. That is what I so desperately want. That is all I have dreamed of having in my life. In the quiet and silent moments, I find myself wandering. I do not know what to do with myself. Well that is not true, I do know what to do with myself, it just is not possible.
Grief is a strange thing. On a normal day, when I have so much time off from work, I would have kept myself so busy. As I look around my house, I find a million and one things that can and should be done. I have junk drawers to clean, windows to wash, closets to organize, projects to complete, and letters to write. But somehow, when I wake up in the morning, my heart pounds at the thought. I just cannot motivate myself to do any of those things. Instead I find myself wandering around, staring at old memories, and feeling nothing. The grief, the pain, and the hurt have zapped away my energy and my motivation. I know I will look back months from now and regret all the time I have wasted. I mean, what person would not like 8 weeks off from work, with very little interruption? But for now, my body cannot handle it. I can't seem to accomplish anything of value, when all I want is to be caring for her.
I want to hear her cry, because she needs me. I want to hear her laugh, because she loves me. I want to give her a bath, and smell her clean sweet hair. I want to feed her, burp her, and watch her sleep. I want to just hold her, for hours at a time, for no other reason than because she is mine. I just want to feel needed, in a way that only a mother can.
It hurts to just be alone. It is hard to sit here, and look around for something I want so badly, but I know is just not here. It is hard to tune out the cries that I think I hear. It is hard to wander around aimlessly, knowing I have plenty to do, but not what I truly want to be doing. It is hard to feel alone. It is hard to be a mom, but not really a mom.
The truth is that God does have a purpose for me. He does have a purpose for my life. God did not give me this path to walk alone, even though right now it seems so dark and so overwhelming. I feel completely lost, out of sorts, and not wanted. But those feelings will pass, and one day I will find my purpose again. One day I will stop wandering. One day I may find myself being wanted and needed. But for now I can only do one thing, get on my knees and cry out to the God who hears me. I know He understands my pain, I know he sees my sad and hopeless wandering. I believe God knows that I feel so helpless, waking around with no apparent purpose in my step. He sees me wander through the dark house at night, wondering how I am going to make it through another empty day. And even though I cannot see it now, He knows exactly what my purpose is. And for the time being, I will rest in that promise.
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. John 15:16