Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Today was suppose to be a happy day. The moment the doctor gave us the official due date, I could not wait to write it on my calendar. We immediately made the phone calls to tell everyone when you would make your big arrival into the world. It was such a happy moment for me. A moment I will never forget. I could not wait for July 22 to finally arrive!
But that was before. Before we got the news. Before we knew that you would not be ours to keep on this earth. You see dear Caroline, when we first looked at you on that black and white ultrasound screen, your mommy was oblivious to the cruel reality of infant death. It never once crossed my mind. I was so focused on the hopes, dreams, and eager anticipation of what the future held. I never dreamed we would be facing such heartbreak in the months to come.
My sweet little girl, I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread. I knew that instead of celebrating your birth, I would go to visit your grave. Instead of caring for all your needs, I could only bring you pink flowers. It was so very hard for your mommy to get out of bed this morning, because it was just another day without you. On a day that should have been a joyful celebration, I walked with empty arms to sit on the grass where your body is now laid.
As I was driving early this morning, I saw a mom bringing her two young children to the park. The same park I often pictured as the place where I would bring you to play. It was a painful reminder of how much I truly miss you. How much I wish I could bring you to swing at the park. How much I wish I could watch your little face light up, as you go down the slide. How much I wish you were still here with me.
This morning it was so beautiful outside, as I waked over the wet grass to sit beside your grave. The pinwheel I left for you was spinning endlessly, as the wind blew gently through the warm air. It made me feel close to you Caroline. I felt like you were right there beside me, smiling as we watched your pinwheel spin together. It is hard to explain, but I feel so close to you when I am there.
My sweet girl, I miss you so much. It has been one month and seven days since you left this earth. One month and five days that your mommy's arms have been empty. I wish I could say that it has gotten easier, but the truth is that it hurts your mommy more each day that goes by. It is so hard to move forward without you. I miss everything about you, and most of all, I miss carrying you inside. I miss talking to you, singing to you, and feeling you move. It is so hard being alone, because you meant the world to me.
As difficult as it has been to move forward each day, your mommy feels beyond blessed. I am so honored to be your mom. Even during the short 35 weeks that you were here, you were able to touch many lives. I pray that your story will be able to continue touching others for many years to come.
You were the most beautiful little angel. I will never forget the peace on your face, as you laid in my arms. It gives me so much comfort to know that you are now laying safely in the arms of Jesus.
Caroline you have taught your mommy a very important lesson. You taught me how to slow down. How to stop and to listen. I used to always be in a hurry, going from one activity to the next. But now I have learned to stop, and to just look around. Today while I was sitting beside your grave, I was able to see so many tiny miracles, that at one time would have gone unnoticed. Your mommy saw a little white butterfly, fluttering on the grass nearby. Your mommy felt the wind rustle through my hair, and it calmed my rapidly beating heart. Your mommy saw the growing bud of a small flower, staring to grow on the grass beside your grave. Your mommy saw the clear blue sky above, and I could picture you smiling down on me. All of these things are small miracles from our Father in Heaven. I am so glad that you taught me how to slow down, and to savor the beauty of the world around me. They are small reminders of you.
As this day comes to an end, the feeling of dread once again consumes my body. I realize that another day has gone by. July 22, the day that should have been filled with such joy, celebration, and hope, is now just another day without you. But it will always be a beautiful day in my memory. I will always remember the butterflies, the wind, the pink flowers, and our talk. No matter how awful the day began, I will forever remember all of those tiny miracles I saw this morning, that helped me to so clearly remember you. They brought a smile to my face, and joy into my heart. Even though you are no longer here with me on earth, I know that you will continue to bring joy to my life forever.
Caroline, your mommy will always hold you in my heart. You will forever be loved so deeply that it hurts. My life will never be the same without having you here with us. But I will keep moving forward. I will keep moving forward because of you. I love you with all of my heart, and I am so thankful for the beautiful joy that you continue to bring to my life.