Happy 10 months in Heaven to my sweet little girl. As I think about the beauty and the joy that you must be experiencing in Heaven today, I just smile. I am sure you now know exactly how much we are missing here on this earth. I wish that I could picture your perfect little face, and your completely whole body, but I do not know what you look like in heaven. So I just imagine you running and playing with all of your little friends up there, singing praises and dancing in the sunlight. I just picture that day, when I will one day join you in that most beautiful place. Where there will be no more tears, and there will be no more pain or sadness or fear. I can not wait until I can scoop you up into my arms, and hold you so close. My sweet girl, there is no guarantee that your mommy will ever put you down again! But oh how my arms ache for that wonderful day, and just know that I will join you one day, when God decides it is my turn to enter into that glorious place, where we can be together forever.
This morning I awoke at 5:15, and as I slowly watched that clock move toward the next minute, I pictured that day. The day that you were born. Your mommy and daddy knew that once it was happening, it was the right time. We could not wait to see you, to hold you, and to love on you. Even though the night was very long, and we never got a wink of sleep, it seemed like only a moment. It seemed like time stood still. Everything just felt so right when they placed your tiny, warm body into my arms. Suddenly everything around me faded, and the only thing I could see was you. I knew in that moment Caroline, that we had made the right choice, that we had given you everything that we had, and that you were the most loved little girl ever. I felt my heart grow a million sizes bigger in that moment, even though I never thought I could love you more. You were my heart, and now you were laying so peacefully in my arms. The day of your birth was absolutely beautiful, it was filled with joy, happiness, peace, and above all love. I just could not believe that you were mine, that each of those perfect little features belonged to my daughter. I never wanted to let you go. Your mommy feels so blessed Caroline, to know that you are mine. I am so proud to be your mom, and to know that I was given the gift of carrying such a special little girl.
Those moments on the day of your birth will forever be etched into my mind, they will forever live in my heart. There is never a day that goes by when I do not wish that I could go back to that day, on June 17, and hold your 3 pound, 5 ounce body once again. I ache to feel your tiny little body in my arms, and to comb out your dark silky hair once again. I wish I could wrap my finger in yours, and kiss your soft little cheek. In so many ways, the time we had will never ever be enough. I only ever wish we had just one minute more. But I am so grateful for the time that we did have. It was such a gift. Your life was such a beautiful gift to your mommy and your daddy. Your life helped us to remember the ultimate truth, that we belong, body and soul, in life and in death, to our faithful Savior Jesus Christ. Caroline, from the moment you were first conceived, you belonged to Jesus. He knew about you, he loved you, and he created you, long before we even knew that you existed. He had a perfect plan for your life, and He knew just how many breaths you would take. As much as I know that you were ours, I was also reminded daily that you belonged to God. He loves you so much more than your mommy and daddy ever could. As much as I wish that God had plans for you here on this earth, and that I would have been given the opportunity to watch you grow up, I know that you belong to Him. I know that God had big plans for your life, and that it took you only 35 weeks to accomplish those plans, and to make your impact on the world. My prayer sweet girl, is that your story, the love that we hold for you, and the truth of God's faithfulness will be evident in my life forever. That your life will continue to impact the lives of others, even though you are no longer here with us.
Today is hard in so many ways. I feel like ten months without you is a very long time. It scares me to think that it is nearing one whole year already. I am so afraid for that day, which is looming closer and closer. A day that should be filled with joy and celebration. A day that should be a reminder of all the amazing milestones you have accomplished, and how much you have grown. A day that should be a celebration of your life. Yet I am scared to think of the pain and the hurt that will fill my heart that day, when I realize there is no celebration. When I wake up to find that you Caroline, my little girl, who should be a bright eyed and bouncy one year old, is not here with us. It scares me completely. I question even now, how will I ever make it through that day. As I think about ten months, and what it should mean for us, my heart just aches. It is so hard to see past all that we have missed. It is so hard to not wish that I could go back to that Tuesday, the day of your birth, so that my memories of you could be refreshed. But as I face the reality today, just like I do each day, I know that it is not possible. I know that I must continue to put on a brave face, and pray that God provides me with a strong heart to keep moving forward. I know that today is just a day, a special day that reminds me even more of you my little princess. A day to remember your beauty, to thank God for your life, and to cherish your memory deep inside my heart. You will always be my heart little girl, and I will forever be thankful for all of the many ways that you have changed my life completely. I will never be the same because of you. It never ceases to amaze me at how such a tiny baby could make such an impact on my life. But you did Caroline Joy! You brought me closer to our Savior, and you helped me to realize the importance of never taking a moment for granted. Because of you, I celebrate each tiny blessing, and I find joy in even the smallest moments. I found the importance of taking time out each day to spend with the Lord, so much so that it has now become my highest priority. I have also learned the value in friendships, and I thank God for all of the beautiful people that He has placed in my life to encourage me, love me, and support me, even when I am really struggling. But most of all Caroline, you have taught me about the value of life, your life, and the life your little bother or sister. You have taught me that we must cherish each moment, and never take for granted that we have the ability and the choice to touch other peoples lives through our words and our actions. As I reflect today on all of the many things I have learned over the past ten months, I can not help but stand in awe at how far we have come. Caroline it has never been easy, and it probably never will, but I am thankful for the person that I have become, because of your life.
Today I cry tears of a broken heart once again, and I miss you more and more with each passing day. How I wish that I was holding you in my arms this morning, playing and snuggling with you. Celebrating the ten months we have shared together. Yet today through the tears, your mommy is going to celebrate you. Through the pain of my broken heart, I am going to celebrate the love that I have for you. I am going to honor all of our special memories, and take time to embrace all the joys of the day. I am going to tell your little brother or sister all about you, and make sure that both of you know just how much you are loved. I love you my precious Caroline, with all of my heart.
Until we meet again....