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Saturday, April 25, 2015

Even If The Healing Doesn't Come

      I wanted to share a song that has been close to my heart the past four months. I first heard this song on our way to our first doctor appointment and ultrasound. There was nothing that I could do to stop the tears from falling down my face as I listened to the lyrics. This song hit me in such a powerful way. Going into the office that day, there was absolutely no guarantee. I had no way of knowing what the doctor was going to tell us. There was no for sure that we would even hear a heartbeat. I was so scared. As my hands shook, my heart raced, and the tears fell, I was reminded once again of how I do not control my life.
 
I really wanted to put the actual music video to this song here on my blog for you to watch. But of course I am awful with technology, and after multiple frustrating attempts, I figured it was safer for me to just give up. I do have a very technologically awesome husband who is currently painting and can't really stop to help me right now. So if you have a moment please stop and listen to this song by clicking on this link: https://youtu.be/HqOkZiOb9u0. I pray that it touches your heart today in a special way.
 
 

Even If (The Healing Doesn't Come)
by Kutless
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
 
 
     In that moment, the only thing that I could hold onto is what I know is true of my God. What He has proven to me faithfully over and over again. There are never any guarantees. We could be walking out of that doctor's office with tears streaming down our faces, and with broken hearts once again. We could be walking out in silence, with the shock of another scary diagnosis. It was so out of my control. I could not predict what was going to happen in that next hour. I could not tell anyone what I was going to see on that black and white ultrasound screen that morning. There was no guarantee.
     Yet through His love, as I wiped those tears from my face, I felt God draw near. There will never be words that can adequately describe the feeling of how His love surrounded me in that moment. Through that song, I could hear His gentle whisper, that even if the healing doesn't come, and we walk out in sorrow, or if we are blessed to walk out with smiles on our faces, He is going to be standing there beside us. He IS faithful!
     One of the things that I hope has come out so clearly through my writing, and through my life as well, is the resounding promise of His faithful to us. We have walked down a very painful journey, one I never dreamed we would have to face. But no matter how difficult it was, and continues to be, and no matter how out of control I have felt, God has always been there through every moment. He has walked so closely beside me, that I could not even begin to imagine doing any of this alone.
     We can cling to the reminders of God's faithfulness to us in the past, when we are facing struggles today. Sometimes those reminders are all that you have to hold onto in those very scary and uncertain moments. They become a promise for today. That even though what you are going through right now is far from easy, and those painful struggles can become all consuming, we have the hope of His promises. He will bring light to our darkness. He will bring joy back into our sorrow filled heart. He will give us strength for each moment. He will give us hope for a beautiful future. He will never leave us. Life can be so tough, but we have a good God!
     This pregnancy has been filled with fear and uncertainty, the constant worry that never leaves my mind. I want so badly to hope, to be excited, and to dream. But it is a constant battle. I am so scared to hope that we may be able to finally bring a baby home. I am so scared to picture having this little one moving in my arms. I am so scared to plan and prepare, because I have no guarantee. Oh how I want to be that innocent mother once again. I want to be happily searching out baby items online, and buying more baby clothes than I probably should. But something inside of me says NO. It will just hurt too much. There is just so much uncertainty that plagues my mind. I am always thinking the worst, and finding it is so hard to hope. Instead of wandering the baby aisles at Meijer, I still turn my head. Instead of browsing for baby items online, I find myself reading the Bible for that constant reassurance that my heart needs (which is a good thing!). It is just so scary to allow myself to believe that everything is going to work out this time.
     Yet despite the fear, worry, and anxiety that fills my heart and mind, I have found that each day I am allowing myself to love this little one more and more. Each time I feel those little flutters, it brings tears to my eyes, because I just know that he or she is growing bigger and stronger in there. Slowly I am able to learn a little bit more about this baby's personality with each day that goes by. I never thought that I would be able to love any baby as much as I love my Caroline, but I have discovered that my heart has easily grown by a million. I find that as I not only love my Caroline even more with every day that passes, I also love her little brother or sister even more with each day. My heart has just been expanded to love both of them more than I ever dreamed possible. It is the deep love of a mother's heart that allows me to keep moving forward. I am just so beyond blessed!
     But despite the love, it is a constant struggle each day as I face the unknown. Yet God has been faithful! He continues to remind me of His great love for me, and He fills my heart with peace in just the right moments. I know that despite the uncertainty of the days and months to come, He has been faithful, and He will continue to be faithful. I am thankful that He is carrying me through the tough days, where I find it difficult to trust. I am thankful that He continues to walk beside me, on the days when I feel confident in His presence. God is good! In the good and the bad, God is good!
     No matter what lies ahead on this journey of my life, I have placed my trust in God, ALWAYS! I will forever choose to praise Him, and to constantly proclaim "You're still the Great and Mighty One!"
 
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. "   
                                                                                   Hebrews 12:1-3
     

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