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Monday, April 27, 2015

Hope in Front of Me


     On Saturday afternoon I went to visit Caroline's special place. It was a little chilly with the breeze, but otherwise it was a beautiful sunny day. When I got there, I could just feel God's peace washing over me in such an incredible way. I always feel such peace when I am sitting there beside her headstone. It feels as though she is very close to me in those moments. As I started talking to her, and sharing my heart, little baby inside of my stomach started moving around. It was such a monumental moment for me. Through those kicks and wiggles it seemed as if this little one was saying "hello" to his or her big sister. I could not help but feel such joy in that moment, as I realized that I am now a mommy to two very amazing little babies.
     I knew in that moment, as the wind blew all around, and as I felt those very distinct kicks inside, that my two precious babies were right there beside me. I know that this little one knows Caroline, and that she will always be a special part of our life. I also know that Caroline is smiling down on us, watching over us from Heaven. It was a reminder that I truly needed that day, and I am so thankful that God nudged me to stop and visit her special place that afternoon. He knew I needed a little reminder of the hope that we have through Him. The hope that one day, we will all be reunited together as a family.
     I am so thankful that God used those moments, with my precious babies, to remind me that He is in control. I am thankful that He is my hope! It does not mean that everything is always going to be easy, and that all the fears and anxiety are just going to disappear. But rather I know that no matter what happens, I will be alright. Because... "there is hope in front of me, there is a light, I still see it, there's a hand still holding me, even when I don't believe it, I might be down but I'm not dead, there's better days still up ahead, even after all I've seen, there's hope in front of me." I heard the lyrics to this song on my way home that afternoon. It is amazing at how those songs can just truly speak right to your heart. The part of the song that always hits me hard is where it says, "There's a hope still burning, I can feel it rising through the night, And my world's still turning, I can feel your love here by my side." In so many ways, I am still walking down the journey of grief, and loss, and missing my Caroline more with each day. Yet as I feel this little baby move, and as I watch my belly grow, I am reminded of God's goodness. My world is still turning, and it is a crazy mixed up mess most of the time. But through God, I can feel that hope still burning! It is truly still there. I can feel the hope of being with my sweet Caroline once again in Heaven, and I can feel the hope of a happy future with this sweet little baby. But most of all, I can feel God's love. His unconditional love that surrounds me fully and completely! Through every storm in life, and at the end of every rainbow, He is there holding me in His loving arms, and because of that truth, I know that there is hope in front of me.


 
Hope in Front of Me
By Danny Gokey
I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I might be down but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind

You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I might be down but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me

There's a hope still burning
I can feel it rising through the night
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side

You're my hope
You're the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don't believe it
I've got to believe
I still have hope
You are my hope



 

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