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Monday, May 19, 2014

Decisions

   

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”                Joshua 1:9

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."                  Romans 8:38-39


       During our doctor appointment last week with the specialist we were faced with a very big decision. This is one decision I never wanted to make. I am angry that on top of everything else that we must go through, I have to make such a difficult decision. But nevertheless, it is something that I must decide before the baby arrives.
     Throughout the research that I have done it has become very clear that baby's who have a terminal diagnosis are often birthed through a C Section. This gives an increased chance that the baby will be born alive. Often baby's who are terminally diagnosed are unable to survive the long and stressful process of a natural delivery. Therefore, many parents going through our situation choose to go with a C Section in the hopes that they will be given some precious time with their baby alive.  
     Although I knew this to be the case for so many people, I desperately hoped we may be able to have a natural birth. I know that it would be a safer and much easier healing process for me. However, right from the moment I knew our baby was not normal, I knew that I would give anything to give my baby a fighting chance at life. Even if it is only for a minute. 
     The doctor did not give us the news that I had hoped. He told us that baby is in the breach position right now. He said that the baby will likely not move from that position, due to the shorter umbilical cord and lower amniotic fluid. So if I gave birth to baby naturally, it would be bottom first. The doctor did not seem concerned about the position of the baby, nor did he say that it would prevent me from being able to give birth naturally. So basically he told us that either a C Section or naturally would be options for us.  This was not what I wanted to hear. I am a very black and white person, I want a yes or no answer.  But this was not given to me. 
     So now I am faced with the difficult decision of choosing how to bring this baby into the world. I wanted to share this because I am asking for prayers. I need the wisdom that only God can give to make a decision that is right for Josh and I, for our baby, and hopefully for the other children we will have in the future. There are risks that come along with both, but I know that a C Section will ultimately change my body forever. 
     As a mother to this precious baby, I know deep in my heart what I must do. I would give anything to allow my baby a chance to live. I would give anything for my baby to be able to hear my voice, feel my touch, and meet his or her daddy. My baby has fought for his or her tiny little life from the start, and I know that I need to fight for my baby now. 
     I am asking for prayers that God will give me wisdom and clarity to make the right decision.  I have already gotten so much great advice from the people closest to me. I feel so very loved and supported. I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life who are willing to ask the hard questions with me in order to seek out the will of God. It is never an easy task, but to those who have walked alongside me, thank-you from the bottom of my heart.  
     As angry as I am for being put in a position where I must make such a life changing decision, I honestly believe that God will make it clear to me. He has never left me alone. He has always provided me with the strength that I need to make difficult decisions. He has never left me alone. Even in the midst of a very stressful and anxious time, where I over think, over analyze, and quite honestly freak out, God has been there. I feel his peace washing over me in the most beautiful way. He has never left me alone. 

Never Alone   by Barlow Girl

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


     

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