Peacefulness

     These are a few of the pictures we had of baby at our last ultrasound. The picture of baby's head is my favorite. Whenever I need some comfort, I love to look at this picture. For some reason I just see peace on my baby's little face. My baby just looks so content in there. It is just so beautiful to see how God has created such tiny little features. I can clearly see baby's eye, nose, chin, and mouth. Even in this blurry little black and white picture I am able to see the true handiwork of a mighty God. I am so in love with this tiny little baby!
     This past week has been filled with ups and downs for us. On Wednesday I had my doctor appointment. This was the first appointment that I went to alone. I was very anxious, but baby gave me such peace that day! I felt a lot of movement all morning, so by the time I got to the office that afternoon, I knew baby was going to have a good heartbeat!  Sure enough, my doctor heard a strong heartbeat right away. It was beating at about 152, which is right on target for our baby.  I love how she always gives me extra time to listen to the heartbeat. It is such a blessing! My doctor also determined that our little baby had completely changed positions. Just one week before, the specialist had told us that baby would not move out of the breach position (bottom down, head up). He said it is due to the short umbilical cord and low amniotic fluid,  which means baby isn't able to move very well. But within a week our little miracle had moved to the head down position! It is such an amazing miracle! 
     Later that evening we had our visit to the cemetery. This was an appointment I had been putting off for many months. I just could not make that phone call. In some ways I felt like I would be failing my baby by scheduling this visit. How was it fair that I have to choose a gravesite for my baby, when I had just felt baby move? I had just laid in the doctor's office and heard baby's heartbeat. How is it fair that I have to get ready for my baby's death, before it even has a chance to live? Reality hit hard. But I finally got to the place where I was getting stressed with all of the preparations that we had yet to make before baby is born, and I knew it was time. 
     It is so hard to accept that this is going to be the reality for us in the very near future. I get heartbroken when I think about my precious little baby being placed in the ground, rather than being in my arms. My baby is my whole heart, and I just want to be able to show it my love forever. But regardless of what happens, I know that my baby is in the hands of Jesus. That is the greatest reality of all. 
     On Friday, Josh and I made the trip to the DeVos Children's Hospital. There we were able to meet with an absolutely wonderful neonatal doctor. He went through all of our options regarding the birth of our baby. We were able to discuss some of our worries and fears with him, and form a birth plan that we believe will best fit the needs of our little baby and us. We have great comfort in the plan that we have created, and we know that we will be in the very best of hands with the neonatal doctors, if the situation arises. We are so blessed to have such amazing medical care in Grand Rapids. 
     In addition to meeting with the neonatal doctor, we were also able to meet with a social worker. She was so sensitive, helpful, and kind. She immediately told us that she was very impressed with how proactive we are being with the situation. She told us that we seem to be very well prepared. One of the things she asked was how we are able to cope so well with everything. I was able to share with her about our faith in a strong and mighty God. I also shared with her about the amazing support we have received from our family and friends. I think it was a beautiful testimony to be able to share with her. It gave Josh and I confidence to know that she thought we were coping remarkably well. But we were given some great resources to use if we ever feel like we may need them. 
     It was a very busy week, filled with many ups and downs. It was a difficult week, because reality hit me hard. Knowing that we are so close to the birth of our baby has been so hard for me to accept. But at the same time, God blessed me with his amazing peace. I felt so comforted by my moving and growing baby! Each moment I have been given with this little one is such a great blessing to me. Also, I just felt God smiling down on me, despite the difficult conversations and decisions that had to be made.