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Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Peacefulness

























     These are a few of the pictures we had of baby at our last ultrasound. The picture of baby's head is my favorite. Whenever I need some comfort, I love to look at this picture. For some reason I just see peace on my baby's little face. My baby just looks so content in there. It is just so beautiful to see how God has created such tiny little features. I can clearly see baby's eye, nose, chin, and mouth. Even in this blurry little black and white picture I am able to see the true handiwork of a mighty God. I am so in love with this tiny little baby!
     This past week has been filled with ups and downs for us. On Wednesday I had my doctor appointment. This was the first appointment that I went to alone. I was very anxious, but baby gave me such peace that day! I felt a lot of movement all morning, so by the time I got to the office that afternoon, I knew baby was going to have a good heartbeat!  Sure enough, my doctor heard a strong heartbeat right away. It was beating at about 152, which is right on target for our baby.  I love how she always gives me extra time to listen to the heartbeat. It is such a blessing! My doctor also determined that our little baby had completely changed positions. Just one week before, the specialist had told us that baby would not move out of the breach position (bottom down, head up). He said it is due to the short umbilical cord and low amniotic fluid,  which means baby isn't able to move very well. But within a week our little miracle had moved to the head down position! It is such an amazing miracle! 
     Later that evening we had our visit to the cemetery. This was an appointment I had been putting off for many months. I just could not make that phone call. In some ways I felt like I would be failing my baby by scheduling this visit. How was it fair that I have to choose a gravesite for my baby, when I had just felt baby move? I had just laid in the doctor's office and heard baby's heartbeat. How is it fair that I have to get ready for my baby's death, before it even has a chance to live? Reality hit hard. But I finally got to the place where I was getting stressed with all of the preparations that we had yet to make before baby is born, and I knew it was time. 
     It is so hard to accept that this is going to be the reality for us in the very near future. I get heartbroken when I think about my precious little baby being placed in the ground, rather than being in my arms. My baby is my whole heart, and I just want to be able to show it my love forever. But regardless of what happens, I know that my baby is in the hands of Jesus. That is the greatest reality of all. 
     On Friday, Josh and I made the trip to the DeVos Children's Hospital. There we were able to meet with an absolutely wonderful neonatal doctor. He went through all of our options regarding the birth of our baby. We were able to discuss some of our worries and fears with him, and form a birth plan that we believe will best fit the needs of our little baby and us. We have great comfort in the plan that we have created, and we know that we will be in the very best of hands with the neonatal doctors, if the situation arises. We are so blessed to have such amazing medical care in Grand Rapids. 
     In addition to meeting with the neonatal doctor, we were also able to meet with a social worker. She was so sensitive, helpful, and kind. She immediately told us that she was very impressed with how proactive we are being with the situation. She told us that we seem to be very well prepared. One of the things she asked was how we are able to cope so well with everything. I was able to share with her about our faith in a strong and mighty God. I also shared with her about the amazing support we have received from our family and friends. I think it was a beautiful testimony to be able to share with her. It gave Josh and I confidence to know that she thought we were coping remarkably well. But we were given some great resources to use if we ever feel like we may need them. 
     It was a very busy week, filled with many ups and downs. It was a difficult week, because reality hit me hard. Knowing that we are so close to the birth of our baby has been so hard for me to accept. But at the same time, God blessed me with his amazing peace. I felt so comforted by my moving and growing baby! Each moment I have been given with this little one is such a great blessing to me. Also, I just felt God smiling down on me, despite the difficult conversations and decisions that had to be made. 

12 comments:

  1. Your story has blessed me!! I am a nurse in the neonatal ICU at Helen devos children's hospital. I have been praying and will continue to. You are an amazing mom with radical faith. Love it!!!! Enjoy every second with that precious baby girl of yours.

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    1. Dear Joya,

      First of all I would just like to thank you for the work that you do in the neonatal ICU at the hospital. Going through this journey has truly opened my eyes to the amazing blessing that we are given to have such well trained and caring people to care for the tiniest of babies. You make a difference in the lives of so many people and little babies, and so thank you for that!
      Thank you for reading my blog. I am so glad that our story has been able to bless you. Your prayers mean so very much to us! Thank you!

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I have cried reading your posts but love reading about the strength God had given you to get through this.

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    1. Dear Kate,
      Thank you so very much for reading my blog. I am so grateful for this opportunity to share my heart. It truly inspires me to continue writing by all the wonderful people who have been reading. It means so much to me to know that the life of my baby, and the words that I write are touching the lives of others. It has been a very hard and painful journey, but I have been held up each day by the strong hands of God. Thank you again for reading! It truly means so much to me to hear from those who are reading.

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  3. Praying for you today, that God will give you His peace and strengthen your heart as you prepare and plan.

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    1. Thank you for your prayers! We feel them so strongly each and every day.

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  4. Amalia, you remind me of Mary (the mother of Jesus). You are being the humble servant of our mighty God. And being the "safe harbor" for this little miracle; knowing what the outcome might be. Our prayers are with you and Josh each day.

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    1. Dear Dawn,
      Thank you for reading my blog. It means so much to know that the life of my baby, and the words that come from my heart are touching the lives of others. Thank you for your kind words, they mean so very much to me. Your prayers are so appreciated.

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  5. Your story has truly touched me. I had a full term stillborn little girl 26 years ago who is in heaven now watching over me. I have 2 other wonderful kids, 20 and 14. I will be praying for you daily.

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    1. Dear Colleen,

      Thank you so much for reading my blog. I an so humbled each day by the incredible response that I have received regarding my writing. I am so glad that you were able to find my blog. Thank you for sharing about your precious little girl who is now in the arms of Jesus. I am sure it was a difficult journey for you to walk, but what a beautiful blessing to have your other 2 children here with you. Someday you will all be reunited together as a whole family in heaven. What a blessing to have such an great hope to look forward to in the future. Your prayers mean so much to Josh and I. We feel them holding us up each and every day. Thank you!

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  6. Thank you for sharing your story, you have such a beautiful way of expressing your thoughts and emotions. A friend of mine told me about your blog this week, and I have read every post at least 2 times. My favorite is the one on miracles. We just found out last week that our precious baby (22 weeks now) is not expected to make it more than a couple more weeks. I have not had a lot of time to even process this news yet, and reading your blog has truly opened new thoughts, emotions, and beliefs for me regarding my sweet baby. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I am praying for you and Josh as you continue your journey! I'm so thankful that we have such an amazing God who blesses us with the strength and peace that we need!

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    1. Dear Melissa,

      I am so glad that you were able to find my blog. It has been such an incredible way for me to share my thoughts, emotions, heartbreak, love, and faith with others. My heart breaks with you at the news you have received regarding your precious little baby. It is truly a sad, painful, and heartbreaking journey. But we do have a great and mighty God who is always holding us close. He loves our babies so deeply that we cannot even begin to imagine. I love to think about how he had a purpose for my little baby, even if it is only for a brief moment here on earth.
      I would love to pass along my email address to you if you would ever like to talk or ask any questions. I know that it can be a dark, and scary road ahead. But I have found so many amazing resources that help with the planning and grief process that comes along with infant loss. I would be so willing to pass those resources on to you, as well as some great books that I have found. My email is amaliamulder@yahoo.com. please do not hesitate to get in touch with me, it always helps to have others around you to support you through this journey. I have been blessed beyond measure to have some amazing people who have come alongside me. Thank you for your love and prayers. Please know that I will be keeping you and your sweet baby in my prayers as well.

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