Monday, May 19, 2014
Sometimes I catch myself asking the question, where would we be right now, if everything was different? Would we have a baby room ready? Would I have spent many happy hours shopping for the perfect tiny baby clothes? Would we have had a baby shower to celebrate the coming bundle of joy? Would we have stroller in our garage, a high chair in our dining room, and a car seat in our car? Would I have a counter full of baby bottles?
But as soon as I begin to ask those questions reality hits. There is no car seat in the back seat of my car. There are no bottles on the counter. We don't have a special room filled with the baby essentials. Our dining room does not have a high chair. There are no trips to the store to buy baby clothes, or diapers, or blankets.
Going into the store is so difficult. There are constant reminder everywhere of what I will not have. I remember when we were about 8 weeks into the pregnancy, I happily grabbed Josh by the arm and led him into the baby section at Target. He was not too thrilled at first, but soon we began to make plans, pick out the things we liked and the things we didn't like. I spent hours online researching cribs, strollers, high chairs, and bottles. I wanted the best for our little one, and I couldn't wait for our house to start looking ready for the arrival of our baby!
It is hard to not think about the "what ifs". I wish so badly that the "what ifs" on my mind were reality, but the truth is that they are not. I do not know if they ever will be. One of the most difficult parts of this journey is accepting the reality of our situation. Especially when I am feeling my baby moving inside. Everything feels normal. Everything seems to be okay. I have not had any problems that would cause me to fear for the life of my baby. So why then must we face such a dreadful future. How can so much be wrong, when everything feels so right?
People have asked me how I have been feeling, and my honest answer is GREAT! I absolutely love being pregnant! It has been the greatest and best experience of my life. Being a mom is something I have been called to be since the day I was born. I have been waiting to be pregnant for what feels like forever. And now that I have gone through it, I know that it has been way better than I could have ever anticipated! Even the little bothers of being pregnant have been a joy to me. I have been blessed beyond all reason by my Heavenly Father to have the opportunity to be pregnant. It's a beautiful gift that I will cherish forever.
Despite the pain of what we are going through. Despite being scared to death of what we will face in the very close future. Despite the "what ifs" that bring tears to my eyes. Despite the loss of so many hopes and dreams. I love the moments I have right now. I would never trade this pregnancy for anything. I feel honored above all else to be the mother of this precious baby. I do not know why God choose me and Josh to go through this heartbreaking path. I do not understand why God would bring such pain to us and our families. I do not know if I ever will. That is the great mystery of a Sovereign God.