And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, for those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)
This morning I woke up and headed downstairs. The dreaded moment that happens each and every morning happened once again as I glanced around at the sunlight filling the room. The looming door. It was right there, it never moves.
Josh and I had begun making plans for our baby's nursery a couple months after we found out that we were pregnant. We had the perfect room just waiting for the arrival of a happy little baby. At the time it was filled with anything and everything we did not have a place for. Everyone needs a spare room filled with junk right! But slowly the room began to take form in our minds as we talked about paint colors, a theme, the color of the wood we would use for the furniture, and flooring options. I couldn't wait to get started on making the most perfect nursery for our baby. It was finally time to get rid of our spare room, and change it into a joyful place filled with smiles, love, and a hopefully a sleeping baby.
I cannot explain exactly why we never started getting the baby nursery ready. At the beginning of my pregnancy I was so sick, there was absolutely no motivation to do any cleaning. But once I started feeling better, we kept putting it off. As I said before, I cannot even explain why. We just never had a free day to get it started I guess. Now that our journey has changed courses, I cannot begin to express how grateful I am that God did not allow us to start the work.
That door now remains closed. I cannot even bring myself to touch the door handle. We no longer refer to it as the "baby room" anymore. But yet I still see it there, each and every day. It does not move. It does not go away. It is there as a constant and forever reminder of lost dreams.
I do not understand why we are not able to complete our baby nursery. I do not understand why that door cannot be opened in happiness rather than looked at fearfully in sorrow. But I do know that it will be there, forever. That room will forever and always hold those hopes and dreams that Josh and I still hold deep in our hearts. That room will forever hold memories of what we will loose.
As I sit here writing this with tears falling down my face, I realize that God is the one who decided to close that door for us. It hurts more than I can ever say in words. But yet I know that His plans are greater than our plans. We do not have the privilege of seeing the bigger plan that God holds in His hands. It is all just a part of having faith. I have always heard the saying that when God closes one door he will open a window, or another door. This has been consistently true in my life. There have been so many doors that have been closed in my life, only to find out later that there was a good reason for it. It is very hard to face a closed door, but when we make it past the pain and disappointment, it leaves everything open for the beauty of God's plan to unfold.
At this moment I do not know what the future holds for us. Right now all I can see is that closed door. The darkness that fills that closed room is a clear reminder to me of where we are at right now in this journey called life. God has chosen to bring us into this place right now. I believe with all of my heart that God has a plan for us. I believe that he will lead us past this closed door. It will not remain closed forever. God never leaves us in the darkness. He is a God of light. He wants us to enjoy the beauty of his light. I trust that one day he will lead us beside an opened window to stop and experience the joy that can once again fill our hearts. I trust that one day He will lead us to an opened door where hopes and dreams can be felt once again.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7
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