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Wednesday, March 5, 2014


     Where do tears come from? We can cry tears of joy, tears of laughter, tears of pain, and tears of sorrow. They are all a part of life. I can honestly say that I have always been one to cry, just ask my mom! But for the first time in my life, I am crying the tears that only a mother can have for her child. Tears that come from somewhere so deep, I cannot even begin to understand where that place is. My heart aches in way that I cannot explain. Even from day one when I realized that there was a tiny human life growing inside, I began to form a most beautiful connection. I felt the deepest need to protect this little baby from anything and everything that would cause it harm. This desire to protect my baby only grew stronger as the weeks progressed. I knew without a doubt in my mind that I would do everything that I could, for the rest of my life, to take care of my baby. When we received the news from the doctor I was completely speechless. How was I going to protect my child? It wasn't fair, I had done everything I could to be sure my baby would be strong, be healthy, be okay. But now what? There was nothing, absolutely nothing I could to do to help my own baby.
     I want to be able to make everything okay. I want to be able to fix my baby. I want to be able to give it life. But I know that it is out of my control. Therefore, I cry tears of sorrow. I do not like feeling helpless and knowing that no matter what I do or say, it is not going to change the path we are walking. It is so difficult as a mother to not be able to do anything to help my baby.
     But when those moments come, and I feel completely out of control, I am overwhelmed by a peace that I absolutely cannot explain. It comes at the moments when I need it the most. As I sat today in my driveway crying in my car and feeling my heart begin to break again, I suddenly felt calm. All my feelings were not gone, and my tears were not dry, but I felt peace. Going through these moments really makes me realize that even in our darkest moments, God is there. He doesn't put us in the midst of pain and then just leave us to fend for ourselves. He is really there, and he cares so deeply. I truly believe that God holds our tears, and that he even cries with us. He feels our pain. I know for sure that he knew exactly what I needed tonight. We honestly have such an amazing God who loves us so much more than we will ever be able to comprehend.
     As difficult as it is to know that this whole situation is completely out of my hands, I know that we serve a God who is in control. As difficult as it is to know that I will only be able to hold my precious baby for a very short time, I know that Jesus will hold my baby forever in his strong and loving arms. As difficult as it is to wonder why and not get any answers, I know that God has a purpose for me, for Josh, and for our baby. As difficult as it is to know that we will never have special milestones here on earth with our baby, we know that we will see our baby again in heaven someday. But still I cry tears.

" I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am, and every tear I've cried, you hold in your hand, You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.                                                        - Casting Crowns

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.                                                          John 16:33

1 comment:

  1. That's my favorite Bible verse.

    I'm sorry it's taken me so long to read this. I hurt for you so much, guess that comes with being so close, I felt like if I lived in denial that maybe things would change, but I know now that me living in denial does nothing. I love you so much, and this blog is wonderful.

    And whoever said they could never have a blog? You're doing fantastic now.

    God loves you and so do I.