Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Today was a very difficult day. Knowing that we had our doctor's appointment this afternoon made me very excited, but also extremely anxious. The last time we had an appointment we were told life changing news. It was news that no parents ever want to hear. Going into our appointment today brought back all of those memories once again. Memories of a day that should have been wonderful and filled with joy. But instead brought us pain and heartbreak.
Today was a very difficult day. There was so much uncertainty in my mind, so many questions, and so many doubts. I was afraid of what the doctor might say, or what we might see on the ultrasound. I have prayed so hard that God's will might be done. I have prayed so hard that if it was in his plan, our baby might be made whole. I did not know what we were going to see or hear in that examination room. It is so easy to trust in God when things are going well. It is so easy to trust in God when we can see a bright future ahead. But how difficult it is to trust in God when everything is totally and completely out of our control.
Today was a very difficult day. Walking into the doctor's office brought out so many of my fears. I knew that before I entered the office this afternoon that everything seemed to be okay. My baby was safe inside of me, and I would not let anything happen to it. But I did not know if we would hear a heartbeat for sure, and I did not know exactly what we would see when we took a look into the baby's world. The only thing I knew was that I wanted my baby to be safe with me forever. Entering into the unknown was terrifying.
Today was an incredible gift. Once the doctor entered our exam room she first sat down and just asked us how we were doing. Her kindness helped me to relax. But honestly it was the moment that we were able to hear that absolutely beautiful heartbeat, which was beating at a strong and normal rate, that I was able to feel a complete and wonderful sense of calm. I immediately felt the peace that I had been praying for all day. All I needed was to know that my baby's heart was still beating strong. It was the most incredible and amazing sound I have ever had the privilege of hearing.
Today was an incredible gift. The ultrasound was not able to detect if our baby was a boy or a girl. When we looked at the lower part of our baby's body it simply looked like a big dark blob. There was no way of discerning any of the lower body parts. Regardless, Josh and I just watched the screen with the biggest smiles on our faces. We were looking at the beautiful and perfect picture of our precious baby. It was such a wonderful gift for both of us.
Today was an incredible gift. The feeling of peace that surrounded us in that ultrasound room could have only come from a God who loves us and is holding us in the palm of his hand. Josh and I watched in wonder as we looked at two tiny feet, two moving arms, and a perfectly formed face. Our baby has eyes, a nose, a chin, ears, and possibly even hair (that we obviously couldn't see on the ultrasound!). That moment we fell completely in love with our little baby all over again.
Today was an incredible gift. Although we did not get the answers that we were hoping for, I realized that this is not about us. This baby has been gifted to us, and he or she ultimately belongs to the Lord. As difficult as it was to see that our baby was not made whole, and that nothing had changed since our last visit, we do know that God is holding our baby in his strong and mighty hands. It is so hard to know that we only have a very short time left with our baby on earth, but we can look forward to an eternity in heaven together. It is through that promise that we can have true peace, despite the pain and sorrow that we are now holding in our hearts.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.